Birthday meal, DH and kids...

[Mealtime19283]

It was a big birthday of mine last week. My parents have kindly said they want to take me, DH and our children out for a meal (and pay for it).

There is quite a fancy restaurant that has recently opened up and they have suggested this (I do want to try it as well so very grateful). It's expensive so not somewhere we'd go ourselves usually.

They have suggested next weekend, my mum was unwell on the week of my actual birthday so we have been waiting for her to feel better.

DH wants his older children to come too, my DSC. The weekend suggested is not the weekend they are with us. Admittedly, although I haven't said this to DH, I suspect it was one of the reasons this specific weekend was chosen as I know my parents are looking forward to spending the evening with GC as they have said they don't get to treat them as much as they'd like.

Aibu to say we should just go without DSC who aren't due to be there anyway? I don't feel right asking my parents to pay for them and its not something we can afford this month ourselves for a couple of reasons. Mt parents could afford it, they are comfortable financially and like to treat me/ DC but if they'd have wanted to I feel they'd have offered. They aren't close to DSC and anyway, it's supposed to be for my birthday and I'd quite like just an evening to ourselves with my parents.

If DSC were due to be here that would be different.

Yes equal to HIM, which makes sense as he's their father. Not equal to OP's parents though, nor should they be.

do you mean plague?

Why would the kids even know there was a dinner? They must be aware that life goes on without them.

Exactly this! They won't even know as they'll be with their mum so what on earth does it matter. 🤦🏼‍♀️

He wants his children to be equal within his immediate family unit. That means that when that family unit goes out for a family celebration, he wants all his children included. He does not like that OP and her parents are excluding his children.

In his mind, it’s not including every family member, it’s including all his children.

the problem is that the OP’s family unit is different to her DH’s family unit.

They’ll know they weren’t invited to an important family celebration.

Because they're due to be with their other parent that weekend and because OP's parents aren't their grandparents, so why should they pay for them?

Oh please. It's a birthday meal not a wedding!

Then he should have stayed with their mother then, or not started a family with OP 🤷🏻‍♀️

He can want it all he likes, doesn’t mean he’s entitled to get it.

@StormingNorman
No, they'll know they were at their other parents home as per their usual routine when OP had a family meal for her birthday paid for by her parents. Because, you know, life goes on when they are with their other parent.

That’s not a problem, that’s their life. Step child not due to be around next weekend. There is no question of if he should come.

I haven’t got the kids next weekend and I’m planning big shop and family lunch with my mum. Shall I message the kids mum and ask them to come because I’m having a lunch and they’re not there? And shall they come to the big shop so they’re included in the meal plans? Just fucking ridiculous! they don’t have to be included in things happening when they are not planned to be around. Should they be included when they’re around mostly yes but some events will not be suitable for them to be included.

if you include your step kids (presuming you have them as many comment not having step kids) that’s brilliant for you and if that’s right for you so be it. It isn’t right for everyone. You don’t have to justify why you include them in everything and OP doesn’t have to justify why she doesn’t want to include them on kid free time.

can we just accept what works for you doesn’t work for others?

I quite agree with you. If someone had invited me out to a meal and offered to pay, I wouldn't dream of asking if I could bring someone else. It would feel incredibly cheeky.

I’m sad for the ‘D’SC.

Tough. They're not equal. And he doesn't get to dictate how other people feel.

I’m sad for the ‘D’SC.

Why? By the sound of it they barely know the OP’s parents. Presumably they have kind, involved grandparents of their own. And why would the DSC have a close relationship with them? They come to spend time with their dad, not the parents of his new wife. I’m sure the OP’s parents are pleasant and kind to the DSC when they do see them.

I really hope he does

Why not?

Not about the money. Not about the timing. Everything about being excluded.

Because they’re not OP’s parents’ grandchildren.

They won’t be excluded, they’ll be with their mum (and maybe even their own grandparents).

Justify exclusion however you want. It’s a ‘big birthday’ and going to a restaurant they wouldn’t normal go to.

Who are you even talking to? I don’t know if you think you sound kind but kind people don’t insult people by calling them ‘vile’ for reasonable views.

Why not?

Because on a very basic level, if OP and her DH get divorced, they will never see the SC again. They aren't related to them.

The DH could have facilitated a close relationship if he had wanted. But it seems that he only wants a close relationship when someone is buying dinner.

And, as OP said upthread, they hardly know each other. So of course the OP’s parents won’t see kids with whom they have very little contact as equal to their own daughter’s children/their grandchildren. And presumably the reason they hardly know them is because the DH hasn’t sought to build that relationship. (Which is quite reasonable; as I said a couple of posts upthread, his kids come to spend time with him and not with his new wife’s relatives).

Do you have stepchildren?