To think being 45 mins late takes the piss

[Ivorymoon]

Arranged to meet a friend in the park today to meet my 4 month old baby. Agreed the day in advance and that we would meet in the morning, confirmed the time this morning and I messaged her again as I was leaving. As I got to the park I received a message from her saying she was just leaving. 15 minutes pass and she still wasn’t there, I message again asking her ETA and she says she will be another half hour - and she would still need to find a parking spot and walk to the park. At which point I decided to cancel - I was sick of waiting around, baby would need feeding soon, I also have horrible post partum joint pain which makes standing / walking for long periods very difficult.

So as not to drip feed - friend is lovely, has ADHD and is often late, I thought she might be more mindful as I now have a baby. I don’t mind waiting 10 mins or so but over half an hour is ridiculous without good reason IMO. I’ve been disappointed my friend hasn’t arranged to see me/ meet baby sooner as we both live in the same city, but she’s been very stressed and preoccupied with her PhD write up. Perhaps my disappointment is colouring my view on this.

Friend said she didn’t realise there was a ‘specific time window’ in regards to our meeting after I cancelled and explained why. I’m baffled by this as we did set a time.

AIBU to think being 45 mins late is rude and that it was fair enough of me to cancel?

Sorry but adhd suffers struggle very badly with time management and will be late!

I don't know if I am one of the few> Until I was about 32 I'd say I wondered why everybody was always shushing me, picking up the things I'd dropped, saying 'oh you've not lost your wallet again fgs' but I hadn't heard the label adhd then. I thought 'what's wrong with me, why am i such a hopeless loser'' i was a bit of a square peg in a round hole. Now that I KNOW what the issue is, I find it much much easier to make a few accommodations for myself. Not to overwhelm myself. Not to plan something important for the day after something I have to prepare for. I have spare keys cut. I save money in case I over spend. I wake up early. I keep life simple. Life is do-able when You know who you are and you get being yourself. I was offered a medicaation , valence perhaps, not sure, but it raises your bp so i just want to manage on my own, knowing that it's ok to be a bit different, i am a bit different, I'm a chatterbox, i am working on talking less and listening more, but by the same rationale, other people get to be themselves too???

And you're very lucky then! Good for you. There are many reasons you may be able to manage this, but not everyone with ADHD is as lucky.

Oh, and it really is akin. I've had it myself. People being angry at me for something literally cannot control, which includes also being late often, despite trying absolutely everything (I usually have at least 15 alarms set to try and keep me on track....it rarely helps). So, just because you are one of the few who can manage, don't assume everyone else can. It doesn't work like that and you should know it!

There are a lot of those around, it seems, especially on MN....

This!

Is one of the things people get angry with you for completely missing the point? Latching onto seeing the word adhd and going full steam defence instead of reading the million posts stating its her friends lack of apology and nothing to do with her disability?

ha ha, actually I have to laugh at your description of your friend sitting at home staring at the clock before it's time to get ready. I can relate.

ADHD is not an excuse for being really stupid. Did she not think that a young baby can't be out that long in the cold, that she may need changing or feeding. That you might not be feeling 100% yourself. I dont wait for anyone now. If they are more than 5 minutes late I'm off.

Ok well I will not argue because I am aware I'm sort of borderline. But the alarms never fail to help me. One tip is to not set it for the morning, like if I set my alarm for 0630 and call it 'take pilates gear to work today'' then I will leave the house and forget, but if I set the alarm for 4 minutes before I leave the house, then it's pretty fool proof for me

@PaperSheet your post was very well written and thank you for your perspective. You sound like a very responsible and caring friend.

@HiEarthlings you seem to be ignoring the fact OP has stated more than once that she has supported this friend for years. And also that friend has been late before but never this late and it's the one time with her new baby.

But yeah let's make OP do the work and compromising and let friend off scot free. Who hasn't even apologised and is trying to blame OP.

@BusyMummy001 my son is autistic and I never really thought about myself until I read how adhd and asd is linked. I'm always late, plan to be early but start doing something faff around basically lose all time awareness. Then I will forget something and get stressed and my ocd is triggered. Thank goodness for smart phones and timers telling me what to do. I don't understand how I spent all my life thinking my behaviour was typical.

To then have that friend berate her for something she can't easily control would obviously bring out her defence mechanism! It's akin to being angry at a blind person because they can't read the menu in a restaurant. It's a ridiculous response

Nowhere did OP say she "berated her" you are literally making stuff up now.

Projection much?- you are insistent that you know exactly what the OP said and her tone and what her friend is thinking when you know jack shit about it. What an absolute load of old rubbish you are spouting. Its laughable

This is the problem with many neurotypicals. You think, and even expect, everyone to act the way you would, because you cannot envision the way an ADHD brain works

Massive assumption you have made here assuming I am NT. This assumption is exactly why you keep getting it wrong.

So do you think pregnant women shouldn't get offered seats on the bus because their condition is transient and not lifelong?
I would happily decide on a mutually convenient place for a friend in a wheelchair. Just like I would happily agree on a type of meeting that would benefit someone with ADHD. BUT, I can only do that if the person with ADHD tells me what would work for them and I tell them what would work for me. Someone with ADHD agreeing to meet at 11am then just shrugging when they're an hour late isn't mutually convenient is it? My time has been wasted and I've had a meltdown.
If my wheelchair friend wanted to take me to a busy place I know I wouldn't enjoy I would explain my condition and either agree on a different thing or I'd decline going. I'm sure if I really wanted to climb a mountain a friend who uses a wheelchair wouldn't insist they come along then shrug and say well now we need to go somewhere else instead because they can't do it. I wouldn't invite a wheelchair friend to climb a mountain with me as obviously they can't do it. I wouldn't invite someone with ADHD to a time sensitive event if they cannot guarantee they will be there on time. I would not expect to be invited to a rave with 100s of people because most of my friends know I couldn't cope. (And if they did I'd explain why I would not be going and say I'd catch up with them another time at a mutually convenient place).
You're right that everyone needs to agree on what works for them. But it seems in this thread people say the main thing people need to do is just WAIT for the person with ADHD as it's not their fault and that's that.
In the OP they agreed to meet at 11am. The person was late with no warning, no apology, no alternative given if she thought 11am or just being on time would be hard. So in that situation the only person making any adjustments is the non ADHD person. If when the OP asked to meet the friend had said "yes great I'd love to meet but getting there for 11am might be hard so rather than keep you waiting I'll text you when I leave/ you come to mine instead" then that would be BOTH of them working together to make it work.

When I was a teen I had a friend like this, she’d be 2 hours late every week, she’d be faffing around at home and there was never an apology and like a mug I used to hang around at the bus terminal waiting for her thinking this time she won’t be late, until one week I didn’t, I just went home and she kicked off, ‘how could I possibly leave her alone at the bus terminal??? She didn’t like waiting on her own!’

There are just some totally self centred people around who don’t consider they should have to apologise for doing what they want, we’re just bit players in the story of their life.

Exactly. I wish more of my family and school parents would take this attitude.

Your children are really fortunate to have you model such consideration for yourselves and others.

In terms of having a plane to catch (or another thing that I absolutely cannot be late for e.g. job interview, important medical appointment), I would plan to be there several hours before I need to be and I would plan so getting somewhere on time would be the only thing I had to do that day. Obviously this approach isn’t sustainable in day to day life.

I am often 5-10 minutes late for regular things, despite my best efforts. I imagine it would be the same if I had to do school runs.

See that's it in a nutshell.
The ops health worries are not minor
It's not top trumps,the friend has a disorder,we can help but only if they want to be helped.
Don't put it on the shoulder of the op,sounds to me like she's helped her loads.
But leaving a four month out in the cold because the friend couldn't be arsed to be truthful about the situation.
Or is that also part of her disability.
Somewhere along the line people have to take responsibility,for their actions.Not a tvthe victim because they are pulled up on it.

I had a late friend who told me the only way she could be on time for things would be to often arrive early. I asked her how she thought other people managed? Yes, punctual people often arrive a bit early. In the days before smartphones we carried books around for this very purpose.

Now, my friend with ADHD can't even get somewhere hours too early and misses flights as well, which is why I do actually make allowances for people with a real disability, as opposed to those who just don't want to risk arriving early.

Was she under the impression that you would ‘be there from that time’ – ie, you were going for a walk round the park with baby from XX pm for an hour or so, she could pop down if she’s not busy?

Btw I voted YANBU! But just wondering if there’s an outside possibility she misinterpreted the arrangement

Although more likely she lets herself off the hook a bit as she knows people expect her to be late

She's taking the piss.
There is no excuse for lateness, its rude and underlines an attitude of mind that says I have more important things to do than meeting you.
The ADHD business is just an excuse and a poor one, she gets away with being late because people make excuses for her. Tell her about your babies needs and that you can't be hanging about.

I don’t know if you’re trying to claim I don’t have a real disability. But it’s just not realistic to plan to be everywhere 7 hours early (literally that is how early I need to plan to be somewhere to guarantee I will make a flight / job interview on time).

I have to plan to leave an hour before my regular train leaves in the morning, when it’s a 5 minute drive. This means I catch it 90% of the time. The other 10% I just have to catch the next one.

In the situation in the OP, I know that it’s important for a small baby not to be waiting around in the cold so would have arranged to meet OP as my first / only task of the day so I could plan to be hours early. But you can’t do that for every time you meet people.

I am always apologetic when I am late. And luckily most people IRL seem to be more understanding than a lot of posters on here.