To think being 45 mins late takes the piss

[Ivorymoon]

Arranged to meet a friend in the park today to meet my 4 month old baby. Agreed the day in advance and that we would meet in the morning, confirmed the time this morning and I messaged her again as I was leaving. As I got to the park I received a message from her saying she was just leaving. 15 minutes pass and she still wasn’t there, I message again asking her ETA and she says she will be another half hour - and she would still need to find a parking spot and walk to the park. At which point I decided to cancel - I was sick of waiting around, baby would need feeding soon, I also have horrible post partum joint pain which makes standing / walking for long periods very difficult.

So as not to drip feed - friend is lovely, has ADHD and is often late, I thought she might be more mindful as I now have a baby. I don’t mind waiting 10 mins or so but over half an hour is ridiculous without good reason IMO. I’ve been disappointed my friend hasn’t arranged to see me/ meet baby sooner as we both live in the same city, but she’s been very stressed and preoccupied with her PhD write up. Perhaps my disappointment is colouring my view on this.

Friend said she didn’t realise there was a ‘specific time window’ in regards to our meeting after I cancelled and explained why. I’m baffled by this as we did set a time.

AIBU to think being 45 mins late is rude and that it was fair enough of me to cancel?

Yet she has managed her ADHD issues to have a successful career and work towards a PHD. Born of which imply a degree of mindfulness. So I guess this is really about a prioritisation system - the things that matter to her she will bother about but setting an alarm to ensure she meets a friend with a new baby at the agreed time isn’t a priority.

She has ADHD, so do I. If you didn’t give her a window she’ll presume you’re just in the park all day

I was ready to say 45 mins not too bad thinking it was maybe a night out, waiting for a friend, could have enjoyed a drink etc But new baby in a park, no, not acceptable. Very shoddy of your friend!

Yet another person using a mental health condition as an excuse for poor behaviour. YANBU.

I have ADHD and severe anxiety and if I’m
visiting friends or family I usually give an hour window. I then message when I’m up if it’s an AM meeting, getting ready and when leaving so A) I’m accountable and B) they’re aware if I’m running late. If it’s an appointment I’ll have someone meet me before and always try to add on half hour for time blindness or traffic but these are skills or accommodations I’ve had to learn and she may welcome these suggestions and support.

OP: YANBU. If you want to continue the friendship I’d be honest and communicate your feelings and boundaries and try and work a way through it. Friendships and relationships are give and take but 45 with a baby at a park is unreasonable. If she can’t take responsibility and see things from your POV then that’s not on you.

People who are late value THEIR time more than yours.

Absolutely this. It’s been shocking to read the comments telling the OP off for not considering the ADHD. Thats not for the OP to take into account when planning a meet up, it’s for the friend to manage

And before the pile on starts I have ADHD. Not all of us are walking around in a daze while time speeds by. Some have spent years working on ways to get us through the day without damaging friendships and relationships

In fact I have dropped at least two friends over the years due to their tardiness - and that was not down to any ND, it was purely down to them thinking that people will wait for them and their time came first.

I would suggest doing some research on ADHD, just so you can support your friend a bit better with it. Those of us with ADHD; have no concept of time. It's unfortunate that the part of our brains which should handle time and routine, just doesn't function that way.

Those of you saying, "Oh wait for the ADHD people to defend her" well, yeah....it's a bit like saying, "Just because her one leg is broke she still could have hopper there on her other leg" - I doubt you will be smart enough to learn.

Also, friends PhD is more important to focus on than your baby - I'm also a PhD student and it takes up a lot of your life which makes life very overwhelming for someone with ADHD and time keeping even worse.

Can I ask what catastrophic effect your friend had on you for being late? Or were you just being impatient and awkward?

As you know she has ADHD, one would hope that you've taken the time to research it? Being late isn't good, and I'm not condoning it, but it's a well known, and extremely distressing symptom of ADHD so you should be, at the very least, a little understanding and not think she's being "rude". I'm autistic (and possibly ADHD) and my partner has ADHD, and both of these share the time keeping problem, though for slightly different reasons. With autistics it's often due to what's known as "autistic inertia". This is basically the inability to swap tasks or, sometimes even just start a task. ADHDers sometimes have the same "inertia" problem, but it can also be down to problems with executive function. Neither of these is due to the person being deliberately rude, deliberately late or not caring about your time. When a person is neurodivergent these traits are out of their control. Do some reading, a little light research and try to understand her. But also understand that ADHD is not an excuse it's a reason (telling someone with a neurodivergence to not act the way their neurodivergence makes them act, is akin to telling someone in a wheelchair to get up and walk! They would love to, if only it were that easy!), and then work with her to figure out a way to accommodate her ADHD traits whilst also respecting your time. For instance, if it's going to take you 15 minutes to reach the rendezvous point, maybe arrange for her to let you know when she's (truthfully) 15 minutes away herself so you can leave home and get there when she arrives. There are many ways to help the ADHDer in your life, but it's imperative that you don't try and guilt trip her. She will undoubtedly be beating herself up about her terrible time keeping, and/or her lack of organisation, and/or inability to start a task till the last moment, and/or a million other things that's she's been fighting with all her life, and will no doubt be totally immersed in guilt and shame as it is (though probably won't let anyone else see it!). I know I feel intense shame that, as a fully grown adult woman I can't seem to do the simple, everyday things that neurotypicals find so easy....like leave the house on time, and my partner feels shame for not being able to make a business phone call, or not being able to complete one task before starting 7 others, which then don't get finished either. We don't need more shame and guilt piled on top. So when I said "truthfully" 15 minutes away, that means you need to reassure her that you're not going to be mad at her, or ridicule her, if she's later leaving, and thus later arriving, than planned, so that she's not trying to placate you by subconsciously shaving time of the ETA.

Yes, it is a priority system, her career and PhD are more important. Probably quite consuming, this is massively overwhelming for someone with ADHD. OP was in a park, i just don't see why this is such a big deal. People who are posting "I have it and I'd never do this" it's a spectrum condition so how it affects one, is not the same as how it affects someone else and to different degrees.

This is so bad. Late people simply don’t value your time. Very entitled. And with a wee baby too. So rude.

My daughter has a couple of friends who are always incredibly late.

I've told her to stop waiting around for them as enabling their lateness just means they will continue.

Just cancel or do your thing without them and then they miss out! They won't learn otherwise.

This

Of course you are not being unreasonable. It's barely out of winter, still cold, a young baby, she should have made the effort to be on time.

Can I ask what catastrophic effect your friend had on you for being late? Or were you just being impatient and awkward?

Did you not read the OP? she said her baby needed a feed and she has awful joint pain. OP's issues are just as important as her friend's issues. Or is pain not a good enough reason? Nothing to do with being awkward.

In my experience, there are two types of people, one who are on time and those who work on time window. If I am meeting the time window friend I tell her time 2 hours before I want to meet. When we meet as a group, she is always late and misses out on half the fun but we don’t care. She is happy as she is and otherwise very good friend. I can’t make her change and it is either I manage it like this or loose an otherwise good friend.

I've noticed that some (not all!) of those posting saying they have ADHD and defending the late friend have this assumption that the OP should put the friend's needs first ("research" etc).
Well no. Friend is am adult and needs to manage her own condition. OP is entirely to prioritise herself, her own health issues and her small baby.

If you can't prioritise a 4 -month- old baby, whom can you prioritise?

Tbh, I don't have time to research my friends' health conditions and I certainly didn't with a 4-month-old. They need to manage their own health and let me know if they can't make a time or place or venue. They are adults.

Exactly. Doesnt the friend also have a responsibility to "research" what young babies are like or what PP joint pain is like too? If she's doing a PhD it's not like she doesnt know what research is. Friendship has to be reciprocal - it's not one person putting themselves out constantly whilst the other makes no effort at all.

OP's friend has every right to be late due to her ADHD
OP equally has every right to leave if she is in pain and her baby needs feeding or to limit the time she spends with her friend

It works both ways here.

I always wonder, re people who are habitually late - especially when they have some ND excuse for it - whether they somehow manage to make it on time when they have a plane to catch.

And, if/when they have kids, are those kids invariably late for school?

@InattentiveADHD and @alrightjackie

Re firming up the time on the day itself.

Well, why didn't the ADHD friend talk about that the day before when the plan to meet was made? Why didn't she say, I need to know the time so I can make my plans? I by didn't she take the responsibility on herself if she knows she needs planning time?

Nope, she just didn't give a shit. Stop trying to make excuses for this shit friend.

Or maybe given her friend is intelligent enough to study for a PhD, she could do that research herself?

Op has already said, many times, that they had a set time to meet.

Enough with the excuses.

Yes.

Sick of the folk saying OP is somehow in the wrong and should let her friend get away with this rude behaviour.

The ADHD friend needs to research and address her own issues. It isn't up to the disabled mother of a 4 month old to "carry" her friend through life.

I notice all the recent "but ADHD" crowd aren't addressing the issue of lack of proper apology either.

People understand if you've ADHD and you're late sometimes.
But us waiters also have so much time to be waiting.
There's only so much we can take.
We also have shit going on in our lives,we can only wait for so long.