To think being 45 mins late takes the piss

[Ivorymoon]

Arranged to meet a friend in the park today to meet my 4 month old baby. Agreed the day in advance and that we would meet in the morning, confirmed the time this morning and I messaged her again as I was leaving. As I got to the park I received a message from her saying she was just leaving. 15 minutes pass and she still wasn’t there, I message again asking her ETA and she says she will be another half hour - and she would still need to find a parking spot and walk to the park. At which point I decided to cancel - I was sick of waiting around, baby would need feeding soon, I also have horrible post partum joint pain which makes standing / walking for long periods very difficult.

So as not to drip feed - friend is lovely, has ADHD and is often late, I thought she might be more mindful as I now have a baby. I don’t mind waiting 10 mins or so but over half an hour is ridiculous without good reason IMO. I’ve been disappointed my friend hasn’t arranged to see me/ meet baby sooner as we both live in the same city, but she’s been very stressed and preoccupied with her PhD write up. Perhaps my disappointment is colouring my view on this.

Friend said she didn’t realise there was a ‘specific time window’ in regards to our meeting after I cancelled and explained why. I’m baffled by this as we did set a time.

AIBU to think being 45 mins late is rude and that it was fair enough of me to cancel?

People being late is incredibly rude and selfish. It is basically saying that their time is much more important than yours.

I was an hour late to meet my best friend for lunch shortly after I had my baby. I was just rubbish leaving the house. He waited and I was extremely apologetic and insisted on picking up the bill. I’m glad he was so kind about it, but I felt terrible. Your friend handled it very badly and should have apologised profusely.

45 minutes late is rude and inconsiderate, regardless of the baby. We used to have a friend like this - always late, rushing in at the last second. Was it because she was so busy? No, she just thought the world revolved around her and should accommodate her. Eventually, being friends with her just got too stressful so now we might see her for the occasional drink but never anything time sensitive (like the theatre, which is whole other story and sent my blood pressure through the roof).

It’s rude. You are not being unreasonable. However, doing a PhD is really, really stressful and lonely. There may be a part of her that wishes for a ‘normal’ life and a baby. Agree - talk to her. She took the piss, but may have her reasons.

YANBU to be pissed off that she was 45 mins late, but YABU to let it consume you so much that you create a post about it here. This seems to be more misunderstanding than rudeness.

Yes, it's annoying but you've already suggested reasons why she might not have been on the ball. Am I right in thinking that what's pissing you off really is that she hasn't given your baby the attention you'd like, because naturally to you your baby is the most important thing in the world so why can't she see that too?

YABU to think she can alter her ADHD to be more mindful.

She's writing a PhD thesis but she doesn'know babies álways are on an impredictable time-schedule and álways come first? She must be real stupid.

Like Barleysugar, I have this time blindness thing too. Sometimes I can manage it, other times not. I hate it when I let people down. I did similar recently to a friend of mine, not with a baby but with an autistic child. I was mortified.

Two things in your friend's defence:

• She referred to a time window and not recognising that you'd arranged a specific time. Believe her. It might have been clear to you, but it evidently wasn't to her. Similarly, my friend with the autistic child thought we had a specific time arranged. I didn't even recognise it as a fixed day!

• We ND folk often find ourselves inadvertently behaving in a way which isn't OK to others, and therefore having often to apologise. For you, it was one apology you wanted. For her, it might have been the third time that day she'd have had to apologise for who she is. That alone can be extremely exhausting, and also pretty soul destroying. Imagine having to constantly apologise for the person you are, and what it does to your self-esteem. I've learned to say sorry but not to over-apologise, not because I don't care, but to protect my own sense of self-worth. My apologies are sincere (and sometimes come with an explanation, though I'm trying not to do that as I'm aware it can come across as a glib excuse). Having offered an apology, it's then up to the other person whether or not to accept it. That's out of my hands.

"Specific time window" sounds to me like she has subconsciously set an acceptably late window for herself e.g. i can be up to an hour late, before I'm actually late.

Does that ring true of you think back to other meetings? Is she usually 40-60 minutes late?

Rude, disrespectful, self-important. 😡

Yep, it’s rude! Had a friend (no longer in contact) who was always late to everything, including the job I got her at my families company.
Being constantly late and always having flaky excuses is just entitlement.

You've known your friend is a poor time keeper - and still chose to keep her as a friend.
You know your friend is writing a PhD and has ADHD - and still chose to want to meet her.
You seem to think having a baby gives you a "Superpower" to change other people.
Why didn't you invite her round to yours, where you have all your baby stuff? You could always then go out for a walk.
You can't change other people.
You can only change how you approach things.
If I had a really disorganised friend, I wouldn't put myself in a position where I hang myself out to dry.
And don't forget new parents can be pain and very precious and anxious about their new bundles of joy.
Not everyone is as excited to meet the new one, as mum and dad are.

@Pupinskipops
Am I right in thinking that what's pissing you off really is that she hasn't given your baby the attention you'd like, because naturally to you your baby is the most important thing in the world so why can't she see that too?

Why so snarky? Are you the 'friend'? OP has said she is upset that her friend made out that she was the one with a problem, when her friend was absolutely fine to leave her and her baby sitting around in the cold for 45 minutes. And that was the reason it is 'consuming' her so much she wrote a post - being made to doubt herself by someone she thought was a friend.

So I'd say you are completely wrong in your thinking, and are trying to kick someone who already doubts her own (perfectly reasonable) boundaries.

Thanks for the replies, I had no idea yesterday’s incident would garner so much discussion! Most has been interesting, minus the usual tedious comments from those with poor reading comprehension/ emotional intelligence. This has been very validating and reinforced my feeling that I was correct in having boundaries. ‘Be kind’ extends both ways in friendship!

I will be leaving this thread now. Happy Easter 💐

My DH is ADHD, and I have to say that time is a concept he doesn't quite get. But in the context that he thinks he can do a million things in one day. Constantly booking himself up to do impossible amounts of things in one day. Even when I tell him he can't possibly do all that in one day, he won't listen. Then we have the inevitable "I told you so" later. And he never learns.

But he's never late. If anything, he's always ridiculously early and if we're doing something planned together, that requires a specific arrival time, he's trying to push me out the door way earlier than is needed, because he's so hyper focused on us not being late.

In defence of your friend OP, maybe your friends ADHD suffers in the same way, in that time just doesn't 'compute', so to speak.

Although, as someone who hates unreasonably long lateness I understand your perspective too and sometimes people with ADHD do need telling about manners/etiquette, because unfortunately, those with ADHD can lack the ability to see things from other people's point of view and need reminding.

I have a friend who is always late and keeps everyone waiting around. We have started giving her a meeting time an hour before we actually want to meet and that has helped.

I am done with such lateness. Your time is just as valuable as hers. I had someone late an hour to our brunch date. Turned into a lunch date and I had time. Will I be so accommodating next time? Nope. Late last year had a "friend" late by almost an hour to a two hour high tea session. She brought a friend that was visiting the city who I hadn't seen for over 8 years. She then proceeded to try and go passed our 2 hour high tea session having no regard for the staff that needed to have their meal break before next service. Our friendship is bot recovering from this. Enough is enough. And the circumstances you describe do not warrant her being that late. Ridiculous!

When you arrange to meet a friend it is for a specific time, not a "window". I suffered from depression and my sense of timing completely died-but I was still never more than 20 mins late to meet someone.

I definitely agree that ADHD makes time management so difficult for so many.

But I don't think it's reasonable to respond to your warranted frustration or questioning so nonchalantly. It isn't fair to keep anyone waiting around that long but you may have been more forgiving if there was a sincere apology and acknowledgement of how disrespectful that is to someone's time.

?????

YANBU

45 minutes is a long time to keep someone waiting, especially when you’ve got the baby’s needs to factor in and you’re in pain, it was totally reasonable to leave.

In slight defence of your friend though, whilst she absolutely needs to learn coping mechanisms to manage her time, if her ADHD really impacts her perception of time I don’t think it’s a case of not being ‘mindful’ of you, it’s not down to a lack of caring, it’s just something she is genuinely bad and naturally disadvantaged at, and she needs to find a way to work around it.
Similarly with not having reached out to see you and meet baby sooner, ADHD people are known to have a kind of ‘out of sight out of mind’ thing where they struggle to bring people to mind if they haven’t been in contact for a bit. It’s not that they don’t love you but they do sort of forget you exist every now and then! Especially if she’s overwhelmed with other stuff.
None of that makes you unreasonable, they are her hurdles to overcome and it sounds like you have been really accommodating in the past.
As somebody with a chronic pain disorder my friends give me a lot of grace for not being able to attend things or having to leave early etc, but if something is important to them, it’s my responsibility to manage my health and make adjustments to show up for them.
Sounds like she was feeling quite defensive, hopefully when things settle a little she can offer you a genuine apology!

@ReadingSoManyThreads I just wanted to say that you sound lovely, I think the personal attacks you got on the thread were outrageous!

Coming from someone on the spectrum I can assure you this isn't something she does deliberately or has any control over. The fact you know she has ADHD should make you more aware. Have you tried meeting at hers take away that street etc. But trust me trying to get out of he house on a morning with ADHD is like a battlefield there are things that may just need doing there and then, changes in routine can have a big effect. Maybe try been a bit more understanding.

I think the late person needs to be more understanding of what they have put their friend through in this case.

It seems you know this person has issues with time keeping. If you value her friendship why not just meet at her house or yours or some other more comfortable surroundings like a play gym or somewhere essentially where u could go for a couple of hours and she comes when u can? It depends on how much you like the person and want to stay friends at the end of the day so essentially I have been there. Lost friends and now regret this. If your friend doesn't have kids or kids the same age as yours she might not know or may have forgotten how hard it is. If you value her as a friend and want her in your future I would try to find a solution personally, which might be better than regrets further down the line. I hope it works out for you all.