To think being 45 mins late takes the piss

[Ivorymoon]

Arranged to meet a friend in the park today to meet my 4 month old baby. Agreed the day in advance and that we would meet in the morning, confirmed the time this morning and I messaged her again as I was leaving. As I got to the park I received a message from her saying she was just leaving. 15 minutes pass and she still wasn’t there, I message again asking her ETA and she says she will be another half hour - and she would still need to find a parking spot and walk to the park. At which point I decided to cancel - I was sick of waiting around, baby would need feeding soon, I also have horrible post partum joint pain which makes standing / walking for long periods very difficult.

So as not to drip feed - friend is lovely, has ADHD and is often late, I thought she might be more mindful as I now have a baby. I don’t mind waiting 10 mins or so but over half an hour is ridiculous without good reason IMO. I’ve been disappointed my friend hasn’t arranged to see me/ meet baby sooner as we both live in the same city, but she’s been very stressed and preoccupied with her PhD write up. Perhaps my disappointment is colouring my view on this.

Friend said she didn’t realise there was a ‘specific time window’ in regards to our meeting after I cancelled and explained why. I’m baffled by this as we did set a time.

AIBU to think being 45 mins late is rude and that it was fair enough of me to cancel?

The trains are so awful. I get a train that is two trains earlier than the one I need to get. But with train delays , I've still nearly been late to work a couple of times. I've made it once with minutes to go

@ReadingSoManyThreads

I was once shouted at by a man who told me he had Asperger's in my last job, because he wanted scrambled eggs and we didn't sell them after breakfast had finished. Really shook me up, because having a bloke towering over you and shouting is scary for a lot of women and I just froze. I'm also autistic myself, so where do his rights end and mine begin? I ended up hiding in the kitchen crying afterwards.

You're the one who said she is often late, so her timekeeping is clearly something you've noticed... You also said you were aware she has ADHD.

You also said you had only previously agreed to meet on a particular day and only firmed up the time on the day itself.

If someone has form for poor timekeeping, agreeing a time on the day does not give them time to strategise to make that time.

I've based my comments on the information you have provided. I still think you set yourself up for disappointment, and on re-reading your comments, I think you're particularly salty that she isn't as interested in your baby as you think she should be.

Some people aren't that fussed about babies. I'm sure it feels personal, but it really probably isn't. Hopefully when your child is a bit older, your friend will be more interested.

PS I am sorry you had a wasted trip and that you're still in postpartum pain. Best wishes for your continued healing.

I just wanted to say I like your style @Ivorymoon , as usual there are people who are deliberately missing the point, trying very hard to blame you but you are able to respond in such a clear manner and you are confident in your own judgement. I think your initial thought and feeling is correct. I agreed that the 'time window' thing and the way she tried to dismiss it, messaging about other things etc and not to own her mistake is the main problem here, not the lateness. It is not a kind and thoughtful thing to do to a friend.

I had friends like this previously. They had arranged to take me out for a birthday meal and was picking me up. They arrived an hour later than the original pick up time and we missed our table. I never spoke to them again. It is so unbelievablely disrespectful

What does she mean she didn’t realise there was a specific time window? Did she think you’d wait forever until she decided to show up?

Im well aware how ADHD affects people but there are lots of coping mechanisms to help those who have it cope in the real world. A world that has time and other people in it. A little bit late with an apology would be one thing, but 45 and getting offended with you - no way!

Within our group we have a time frame if about 10 mins either way fir casual meet ups but to be bang on time if we are doing some specific, like going to a show or cinema.

Would it not be better if she came to your house? At least then it wouldn't matter so much if she was late?

Honestly with most of my friends that would be forgivable. Not ideal but if it's just meeting at the park then forgivable. Not like she's missed a flight. Like a PP said, if I know that I'm meeting a slightly chaotic friend I just adjust my expectations and bring a book!
I don't know why you thought she'd change, or be able to cope with life better now that you have a baby. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Good for you. I have ADHD and am terrible at time management despite monumental amounts of effort and stress over many years to try to do it better. ADHD affects people differently. There are three types of ADHD and varying severities. Some symptoms are "stronger" in some people than others, and it also presents differently in different individuals. Please don't assume that just because you have been able to utilise strategies as effectively as you have that others are able to do the same, and if not, they just aren't trying hard enough, or they can't be bothered, or are selfish or lazy. That's just incorrect and adding to the negative messaging that people with ADHD are told their whole lives, leading to many of the destructive common comorbitidies of ADHD and some of the very negative health outcomes associated with the condition.

I have zero time for this at all

Especially when you're hanging around with kids

It doesn't sound from your posts like this is something she normally does (ie be as late as she.was with no understanding that you were stood about waiting for her, and then to send the seemingly rude response.

If this is out of character, I do wonder if there has been a misunderstanding? Maybe she didn't think that the time you arranged to meet was an exact time. Maybe she thought it was a rough time hence her reference to a "time window"? Perhaps just call her and ask her to get to the bottom of it if she's not normally rude.

I have ADHD and really really struggle with time keeping however if I was late I would always try to keep the person informed as to where I was and
apologise. I would be pretty mortified to keep someone standing around in a park for 45 mins in the cold. And if I did I wouldn't expect them to wait for me.

Just to add that as PPs have said in the past others have done the "meet at an earlier time" thing with me and it works really well. I actually really appreciate it when people do it!! If it means I end up waiting around for someone I am quite relieved tbh. Quite nice for the shoe to be on the other foot! Makes me weirdly feel quite good about myself to be the first there and waiting around for others, rather than running in late in a panic, all flustered!!!!

@alrightjackie

"You also said you had only previously agreed to meet on a particular day and only firmed up the time on the day itself."

Good spot! I missed this! That would throw me into a complete tailspin. I need to know plans and time with lots of advance notice to have any hope at all of being there on time. I need to think about everything I need to do to get me there. And that is a difficult process for me so it takes a while to work out. A time arranged on the day has a very high chance of me not being able to get there in time. It's like being asked to deliver a project but where no one has told you when the deadline is.

I think the posters saying you should have waited are mental.

the truth of the matter is that your friend views her time as more important than yours. You may wish to consider for the future to allow for her lateness. For instance a meeting arranged for 9.30 would have you turn up at say 10? Or you could message that you’re leaving 15-20 minutes before you actually leave?

Would you likely have been late and missed collecting the £10,000 prize, then? 🙃

I would say upto ten minutes is fine. Twenty deserves a massive apology and after that unacceptable.

I'd message and say

" from your responses I think we were at crossed wires. You seem to be under the impression I was taking baby to the park regardless and at some point you would arrive. That was not the case, I was meeting you at the park, I waited 15 minutes but it was cold, baby was due a feed and I am struggling with my joints so was in pain. So when you said you would be another 30 minutes it wasn't feasible for me to stay.. Hope you understand now, take care and we can catch up soon. "

Just selfish. ADHD is no excuse (tho’ used endlessly now) If people are aware that they are always late they need to find ways to help themselves, not extrovert others to continually enable it. I had an ex like this -utterly unreliable with meeting people but strangely never missed a plane or late for business meetings.

She's rude and self absorbed
YANBU at all

Yeah, it's possible to have ADHD and associated difficulties with time management, but to ALSO be a bit self absorbed and inconsiderate of others' time. To me your friend sounds like she is both. I'd have a little sympathy for her initial difficulty but it would evaporate like the morning dew with that piss-poor apology.

So would you let someone else make plans on that basis and just be late, or would you tell them that this way of making plans doesn't work for you and you need to agree a time before the day itself?

I think you are massively reaching and being facetious. There is a big difference between being 5 minutes late and 45 minutes late. We agreed to meet in the morning 5 days prior, again in line with what we have done previously with no issues. I am not psychic, if my friend needed more time to ‘strategise’ then she is more than capable of telling me so and agreeing a specific time before hand. The onus is surely on her to communicate her needs, not for me to attempt to pre-empt her, considering we’ve meet up in the same way hundreds of times before.

Surely personal responsibility needs to be taken at some point. Perhaps I am also responsible for her deflection and lack of apology too, and her waking up late / not communicating earlier / traffic / the state of the roads etc etc.

Thanks for the well wishes!

People who are always late think it's your problem to accommodate them.

Yes. I have a friend who is always late. She does not have ADHD. She was late to her own wedding! Once, just once, I was late because my train broke down. She has never let me forget it and now begins every sentence with " Well that day when you were late... ..
I now never make time sensitive plans with her. I just meet her at her place.

As evidenced by many of the replies here. I used to accommodate them until I decided my time is worth more then being left to hang around waiting for 'time blind' flaky fuckers. I only meet said people now as part of a group.

I have friends I meet nearly every weekend for a sport and every weekend they are 20m-40m late, they only live about 10 minutes ride from where we meet, I travel for 40+ minutes. Once ever I was late and of course that was the only time they've ever been on time and they went on about it all day