To think being 45 mins late takes the piss

[Ivorymoon]

Arranged to meet a friend in the park today to meet my 4 month old baby. Agreed the day in advance and that we would meet in the morning, confirmed the time this morning and I messaged her again as I was leaving. As I got to the park I received a message from her saying she was just leaving. 15 minutes pass and she still wasn’t there, I message again asking her ETA and she says she will be another half hour - and she would still need to find a parking spot and walk to the park. At which point I decided to cancel - I was sick of waiting around, baby would need feeding soon, I also have horrible post partum joint pain which makes standing / walking for long periods very difficult.

So as not to drip feed - friend is lovely, has ADHD and is often late, I thought she might be more mindful as I now have a baby. I don’t mind waiting 10 mins or so but over half an hour is ridiculous without good reason IMO. I’ve been disappointed my friend hasn’t arranged to see me/ meet baby sooner as we both live in the same city, but she’s been very stressed and preoccupied with her PhD write up. Perhaps my disappointment is colouring my view on this.

Friend said she didn’t realise there was a ‘specific time window’ in regards to our meeting after I cancelled and explained why. I’m baffled by this as we did set a time.

AIBU to think being 45 mins late is rude and that it was fair enough of me to cancel?

If you didn’t give her a window she’ll presume you’re just in the park all day

The woman is bright enough to be doing a PhD, I think she can work out that her friend with joint pain issues and a small baby isn't going to be hanging around a park all day in the UK in March.

This. ADHD or not, I am unable to wait endlessly for people, I have a life too with commitments and lots of things going on. It causes me anxiety to be waiting for people who dont show up- why is my anxiety less valid than any of my friend's feelings?

It's not my responsibility to manage a friend's time or do research on her behalf. This woman is a grown adult doing a PhD so she must be capable of researching ways to manage her own ADHD whilst having empathy for her friend's joint pain and the fact she has a new baby. There has been no apology from the friend either- she sounds thoroughly self absorbed to me irregardless of any ADHD diagnosis.

I also think it's pretty insulting to people with ADHD to assume they are 1. incapable of putting plans in place to manage their ADHD and 2. That they have no empathy or care for their friends. If the friend actually had a shred of empathy she would have apologised and spoken to her friend about it so they could agree on ways to manage this, but she didnt.

She's an arsehole.

Well said, OP. Ignore the mean girls, not sure what they get out of it.

I have ADHD too so I make adjustments for myself. If I can get to work on time then I can get to a point to see my friend on time.

ADHD and timekeeping they are always going to be 45 mins late.

My son hs adhd and can be running an hour late too , not saying its an excuse but it is adhd.

So it's all on the OP to be more understanding of her friend's problem regardless of her new baby or her own health issues or the cold weather. Seriously give your head a wobble.

I've said similar a couple of times on this thread but why is it that ADHD gets a free pass to behave however they want and everyone else needs to be understanding? I have autism and cannot bear to be late. If I'm late I panic and stress. If others are late I get stressed beyond belief. Someone was late once to a theatre trip we were going to. Maybe they have undiagnosed ADHD as they were always late. But the theatre trip they were so late and I knew we wouldn't be allowed in until a suitable break if we missed the entry time etc. So I was so stressed I ended up having a meltdown and by the time they arrived (25 mins after the show had started) I almost wasn't able to go in anyway as I was too stressed so had to take even more time to calm down. They ended up being angry at me for that. I don't see that friend much anymore as they can't/ won't be on time and I can't cope with it.
I used to have not very great behaviour when younger including towards friends. I'm older now and know my condition and have done research and generally learned what I can and cannot cope with. I explain this to my friends so they know in advance. For example if a group of us are going to a busy place I might not be able to cope with I tell them in advance I may have to leave early. If one friend suggests going with just us two only I will often just decline knowing full well I may not be able to stay long and I don't want to ruin their time. Its called letting people know in advance if you might do something not ideal.
Why can't people with ADHD say "look I struggle with timekeeping so I know we've said to meet at 11 but I can't guarantee I'll be there on time. So let me just text you when I've left and you can leave as well. If this doesn't work for you no problem maybe we can arrange you to come round to my house instead one day."
People no matter what their condition should try and think how their behaviour affects others. No one who has capacity should just be given a free pass to behave however they want without any consideration for others.
I absolutely hate the "because ADHD/autism" excuses. It's not up to everyone else to constantly make allowances for conditions. Those with conditions need to make an effort as well. Even if that's just explaining in advance and apologising and trying to work out ways to minimise disruption.
Whoever said people with conditions shouldn't have to keep apologising for being themselves I don't agree with. Obviously you shouldn't apologise for "being yourself". But if being yourself is upsetting others then yes you should apologise. Not just shrug and say "cos autism/ADHD"
I will also apologise here because I'm not very good at writing coherently sometimes. I struggle to get my thoughts on a good way out sometimes!

@PaperSheet I agree with you. You sound like a really lovely friend btw 😍

@PaperSheet 👏👏👏👏

Your post is coherent and well written. Exactly how I feel. My ADHD is my issue to deal with, not my friends and family

Should never be used as an excuse or reason for being late and messing up someone else’s plans

In your theatre example I would have just went in (if you had the tickets). Tough shit that your friend missed it or had to wait until the interval until you came out and got her

She will undoubtedly be beating herself up about her terrible time keeping, and/or her lack of organisation, and/or inability to start a task till the last moment, and/or a million other things that's she's been fighting with all her life, and will no doubt be totally immersed in guilt and shame as it is

She isnt though- and thats the entire point of the thread lol. If you feel bad that you have treated a friend poorly (even if you couldn't help it) you'd apologise and work out a plan for you both to manage it going forward. She hasn't done that. In fact, she's done the opposite by implying the OP is "high maintenance" despite being in pain and having a small baby, so not only has she not apologised, she's also insulted her "friend" too.

None of us are perfect and we have all let people down at points in life, but a good friend would say sorry and genuinely mean it. Thats what true friendship is about.

She doesnt feel badly about it at all- stop assuming things about this friend that arent actually true.

I have a friend like that so I always arrange to meet her at least an hour before I want to then I turn up at the half hour or the 3 quarters that way it doesn't matter. She hasn't once turned up early and on occasion we both got there around the same time.

Please don’t quote me if you’re not going to add any helpful insight to the discussion. Not quite sure what you’re failing to understand about what I wrote because nothing was ambiguous but if you don’t agree you can just move along without wasting peoples time. Thanks.

I’m glad you’ve been able to take onboard what the majority have said OP and can now let it rest without feeling any misplaced guilt or negative feeling about it. Sadly, rather than admit to their faults some people would rather project them onto other people but that’s not your responsibility to have to deal with. Have a lovely Easter.

Do you know how many appointments I've been late too or missed because I cannot keep track of time because of ADHD? I have to set 100 reminders and even then it's unlikely I'll leave on time because time vanishes!
If I'm not late I'm extremely early then very annoyed that other people aren't very early. Thankfully most of my doctors and friends get it. As for work, well I used to get up at 5:30 for a 9am start otherwise I would be late....

Basically, yes. And no, my head doesn't need a "wobble". Her "health problems" are relatively minor and transient, the weather is everyone's problem. A neurological disorder such as ADHD is life long, chronic and will never go away. You obviously didn't read my post fully though as I said they should work together to find a solution that works for them both, but taking into account the fact that ADHD related problems are there to stay. If your friend was in a wheelchair, you wouldn't arrange to meet her at the top of a flight of steps, would you? You would make reasonable adjustments to your arrangements so you both had a level playing field. So why would you not do the same for someone with an invisible disability? It comes down to how much she values the friendship, basically. If she doesn't care, she can walk away and not put the effort in, as it appears you would do. But if she does care about the friendship she'll do what she reasonably can to ensure it continues.

I have ADHD and I'm always on tome because I do breakdown of how many minutes each part of getting ready and the journey will take. This often results in my being early mind you.

This thread is a perfect example of how many people cant/don't read or don't have much in the way of comprehension skills. It's scary but the world suddenly makes a lot more sense as you see people just cherry pick the bits of info they want to latch onto, not what's actually being said

It's the lack of apology. Jfc. NOT her adhd

Said as a adhder, so it's not ableist etc etc

This is the problem with many neurotypicals. You think, and even expect, everyone to act the way you would, because you cannot envision the way an ADHD brain works. Because you cannot physically SEE a problem, it's obviously not there. And please don't use the "we all have the same problems" phrase. There's nothing more infuriating for a neurodivergent to hear than a neurotypical trying to claim that they have the same problems! You don't! These women are friends, OP knows her friends has ADHD and so the friend would assume, rightly so, that OP has taken the time to learn what this means. To then have that friend berate her for something she can't easily control would obviously bring out her defence mechanism! It's akin to being angry at a blind person because they can't read the menu in a restaurant. It's a ridiculous response.

If you'd read any of the thread properly, it's the LACK OF APOLOGY ffs. It's infuriating to read

Sincerely,

'A Neurodiverse'

I think meeting at the bottom of a flight of stairs or reading a menu for a friend is very different from waiting 45 minutes in a park with a tiny baby. The one requires zero effort, the other quite a lot.

whoah, bit rude to say ''you neurotypicals''. I know how an adhd brain works. I still care about upsetting other people though. I can time myself to have a shower and get dressed, time myself to put on my make up, time myself to walk to the bus stop. So if I have to be somewhere, I add it all up and subract from the time when the next bus is. I obsess a bit over this calculation and often plan to get the bus before the bus that I really need to get (less stressful) but it's not ''akin to being angry with a blind person who can't read the menu in a restaurant). It really isn't.

ps and having ADHD doesn't prevent me from grasping that although it's not cold today, the first 20 minutes of waiting for somebody aren't as cold as the second 20 minutes waiting for them.

😂 Enjoyed that

Congratulations, you're one of the few that manage it, but as you say, you're often very early because if it. I have a friend with ADHD and she always arrives everywhere a good hour and a half early, but that is AFTER sitting at home, doing absolutely nothing but watching the clock. Her anxiety is off the scale and I'm sure she's heading for a breakdown or some health crisis, because no one can live in such a heightened level of stress and anxiety all their life with no bounce back. My partner is rarely early, despite trying her very best. This stresses her out too, and I've lost count of the number of appointments she's missed because of this. No one would choose to always be late and to live in a constant state of high anxiety, but it appears that the majority here think that that is exactly what the friend of doing.

No one is commenting on her adhd though. No one. That's not the f-ing issue or point of this entire thread.