To think being 45 mins late takes the piss

[Ivorymoon]

Arranged to meet a friend in the park today to meet my 4 month old baby. Agreed the day in advance and that we would meet in the morning, confirmed the time this morning and I messaged her again as I was leaving. As I got to the park I received a message from her saying she was just leaving. 15 minutes pass and she still wasn’t there, I message again asking her ETA and she says she will be another half hour - and she would still need to find a parking spot and walk to the park. At which point I decided to cancel - I was sick of waiting around, baby would need feeding soon, I also have horrible post partum joint pain which makes standing / walking for long periods very difficult.

So as not to drip feed - friend is lovely, has ADHD and is often late, I thought she might be more mindful as I now have a baby. I don’t mind waiting 10 mins or so but over half an hour is ridiculous without good reason IMO. I’ve been disappointed my friend hasn’t arranged to see me/ meet baby sooner as we both live in the same city, but she’s been very stressed and preoccupied with her PhD write up. Perhaps my disappointment is colouring my view on this.

Friend said she didn’t realise there was a ‘specific time window’ in regards to our meeting after I cancelled and explained why. I’m baffled by this as we did set a time.

AIBU to think being 45 mins late is rude and that it was fair enough of me to cancel?

YANBU - 45 minutes is a long time to wait around in the park with a baby.

So she sees meeting time, as a 'time window'? She's taking the piss

Yes this seemed quite passive aggressive to me and made me feel worse. A genuine apology would have been appreciated.

What is HER time window then? Within an hour, 2hrs, 3 maybe? 😕
Its rude and disorganised.

I know people will come on and say its her ADHD, they can't help it etc etc
You did the right thing OP. I'd be pissed off too.

Yeah that’s rude, she could at least have messaged you first thing to say could you meet later on, she clearly had no intention of being on time if she hadn’t even left by the time you’d arrived.

If you agree to meet at say 11am, then that’s the ‘time window’ you aim to arrive for. Fair enough if you get held up unexpectedly but she wasn’t even aiming for that slot.

How does she live life if only by time windows, work, appointments etc

I have a friend who is late to everything. She was two hours late to her own fucking baby shower. As everyone arrived she said she was at home and has started getting ready. It’s astoundingly disrespectful to everyone else’s time.

With friends like this, we'll agree a time but I ask them to tell me when they're on their way, assuming we live similar distances.

I don't mind waiting but 45mins with a little baby is taking the piss.

I'm very familiar with adhd and that doesn't even make any sense. What is she on about a time window?

You were meeting at x time... You go there... Htf did she expect you to sit around in not warm weather especially with a baby endlessly?

No idea - she’s never mentioned this before! Her response is very much insinuating I am high maintenance/ unreasonable for not waiting 45 minutes

You having a baby hasn't altered her adhd...

This has happened to me a couple of times. Once after arranging to meet someone for a coffee.. He was over half an hour late. I’d had my coffee so left and he couldn’t believe I hadn’t waited. Another time I’d agreed to meet someone on a train platform. As I was standing there at the time we’d arranged, she texted me to stay she was leaving her house in 15 mins. I didn’t wait. It’s so rude.

Tardiness is the 8th deadly sin.

Prior to mobile phones, people made a much greater effort to be on time.

You did the right thing OP .
Your friend will never change if everyone just puts up with it

You are not being high maintenance or unreasonable to decline to wait around in chilly weather with your new baby for the thick end of an hour.

Unless you want to phase out the friendship.you need to speak to her I think.

"Friend, I'm confused by what you mean by time window? Did you think I would be at the park for x amount of time and you could pop by while I was there? I got myself there for x time because that was the specific time we had arranged and I'm struggling to see how that could be interpretated differently"

I have ADHD. I've learnt I need to work much harder than other people not to be late. Tell her up front you find it hard to do and that you find it rude.

I’m also very familiar with ADHD and have never heard of time windows in this context. I think she was being very self-focused and not thinking that I would be waiting in a park with a young baby for almost an hour. I’ve always been accommodating to her lateness in the past which has probably helped, but she’s never been this late (and those times were pre baby).

It really is rude expecting people to wait around for you. How does she manage with Dr's and dental appointments, then? Because mine don't give you longer than 5 minutes grace. If you aren't on time it's your loss.

Thanks. I’m not going to phase her out, I did express my disappointment but didn’t question her use of ‘time window’. I might use your message!

Agree it is rude. I had a friend who was always late so quickly moved to only meeting at one of our houses which worked much better

It is a struggle for her. We both did PhDs and it has taken her over double the time to complete her thesis as she struggles with deadlines so much. I’ve always been understanding and supportive. I think I’m just disappointed by her response now, on top of her lateness!

Not at all unreasonable, just wondering if she thinks that you regularly hang around the park with a 4mnth old, in currently let’s be honest less than reliable weather, for over an hour on the off chance that she might bless you with her company?
I am a bit biased though I hate lateness.

Please do, I'm intrigued as to what age actually thought! I've got myself to places over an hour early to make sure I'm on time for that exact reason, not wanting to take the piss out of people I care about and waste their time

Someone kept me waiting at alton towers once for 3 hours... They hadn't even left home a 3 hour drive away at 12pm. Crazy

That is madness!! I probably haven’t helped myself as I’ve been flexible and accommodating previously, but things are different now with a baby. Although I’d be annoyed to be kept waiting for 45 mins baby or no baby tbh!