To think being 45 mins late takes the piss

[Ivorymoon]

Arranged to meet a friend in the park today to meet my 4 month old baby. Agreed the day in advance and that we would meet in the morning, confirmed the time this morning and I messaged her again as I was leaving. As I got to the park I received a message from her saying she was just leaving. 15 minutes pass and she still wasn’t there, I message again asking her ETA and she says she will be another half hour - and she would still need to find a parking spot and walk to the park. At which point I decided to cancel - I was sick of waiting around, baby would need feeding soon, I also have horrible post partum joint pain which makes standing / walking for long periods very difficult.

So as not to drip feed - friend is lovely, has ADHD and is often late, I thought she might be more mindful as I now have a baby. I don’t mind waiting 10 mins or so but over half an hour is ridiculous without good reason IMO. I’ve been disappointed my friend hasn’t arranged to see me/ meet baby sooner as we both live in the same city, but she’s been very stressed and preoccupied with her PhD write up. Perhaps my disappointment is colouring my view on this.

Friend said she didn’t realise there was a ‘specific time window’ in regards to our meeting after I cancelled and explained why. I’m baffled by this as we did set a time.

AIBU to think being 45 mins late is rude and that it was fair enough of me to cancel?

Only if you think being late is a problem!

Just to add though, I do somewhat understand the texting at the time needed to leave. I think when I arrange to meet somebody at a specific time that is the time which I hold in my head, if I’m not mindful about it and I’ve agreed to meet somebody at 2pm then my mind just kind of tells me that’s the only time I have to worry about, so it isn’t until it gets to 2pm that it occurs to me I actually should have left way before 2 to get there on time and it isn’t until 2 it occurs to me I need to text the person that I’m running late. I know that doesn’t really make sense, I find it hard to explain but whilst I’m not excusing being so late and not putting strategies in place I do kind of understand how somebody with adhd could fail to inform the person waiting they’ll be late until it reaches the time they were due to arrive, because that’s the time flashing in their brain and they haven’t really considered that obviously they need to leave before that time or that they should have to inform the other person before that time. I doubt that makes sense to a non-ND person, and it’s not an excuse because there are strategies that lots of us with adhd put in place to mitigate being late, but I do think the way time is processed is very different to how non-nd people explain it.

Expecting someone & their baby to wait in a park for 45 minutes for any reason other than an emergency (car broke down, child sick at school and needing picking up etc.) is the definition of entitled. You did nothing wrong @Ivorymoon

I think people being up to half an hour late is OK, as there are always traffic delays or public transport delays.

I was two hours late getting somewhere the other day, and it purely wasnt my fault.

The train wasn't running because a car had crashed on the tracks.

I then walked some distance from the train station to get a bus instead) which would take 40 mins longer anyway as it has to go through traffic lights).

The bus didn't stop at the bus stop despite us waving at it , it drove right by us.

I had to then walk back to the train and wait for the train tracks to be fixed.

I got where I was meant to be two hours later.

We would all be on time if we could teleport

,but public transport / traffic if driving is so bad.

How far does she live from the park?

She knows, objectively at least, that being late inconveniences people and can make things difficult for a multitude of reasons. She is an intelligent person.

She is extremely rude.

You're definitely not being unreasonable, my SIL was 45 mins late a few weeks ago to meet for breakfast, she was that late they'd stop serving breakfast! I was so annoyed as I don't understand how bad your time keeping can be to be that late!

This happened to me last year I live 15 minutes walk from my town center, we were meeting for lunch and a bit of shopping, I text her when I was getting my daughter into the buggy to say leaving now, she said ok see you soon. Arranged to meet at 12pm so I was bang on time. Got there and text her saying I'm here where are you? Nothing.. 12:20 again hiya are here yet. Crickets. I was sitting on a bench outside newlook like a plonker waiting and I saw my sister and her MIL so just wandered about town with them for a further half hour. I was actually concerned for her wellbeing. Finally at 12:50 she texts me, hiya just parking up meet you outside primark in 5?... so I said goodbye to my sister and went to primark and she was like oh sorry, so and so offered to do my nails quickly before I left (she's a lash tech)

🤯 are you kidding? No text? I was pretty mad, I was like a month post c-section at the time too, I didn't wanna be walking about aimlessly all afternoon. I let it go but I was quietly mad

She lives 5 miles away from the park. I totally get what you’re saying, I’ve been late myself due to public transport issues and it’s so stressful! She would have been driving, if there was traffic she could have said but she never explained why she was late. It seems more that she left the house late, as she only left when it was our agreed time to meet. It was the lack of genuine apology that annoyed me more than the lateness.

Very rude. I found friends without children don’t really understand how inconsiderate leaving you waiting is. You were right to cancel.

My friend left me waiting for 30 minutes last week, I’m approaching my due date. It was a last minute, ok cool I’ll see you there at X time, both nearby, but didn’t bother to say she wasn’t going to be on time, no excuse.

It's not about the ADHD. She's just rude. I have ADHD myself.

It is very rude. I can understand 5 to 15min butv45 min with a baby? No way.
YANBU

We have a friend with undiagnosed adhd (his mum has it and it's clear that he does too)

One day,we'd agreed to have his dog for a week while they went on holiday (this was the day before)

He knew I'd be at work for 8am (which means getting up at 6:30),working until 4pm,getting home by about 4:15 and agreed for him to bring the dog round for about 4:30/5pm

12:20 am,he finally rocked up with the dog

He'd meant to set off at about 4,but got distracted,bumped into every single person he knew (knowing him,he was rabbiting on about his hobby),went to the shops and claimed to have got lost (even though he used to live round the corner)

I was fuming-he knew I'd been at work early-never again

I arrange for him to come round with his partner (who's always 5 minutes early) as she blasts his arse out of the door and won't put up with being late

So it seems she values managing her time differently for situations/things/people that she cares enough about.

I also think that people with anxiety/ adhd/ autism/ any mental condition find it hard to be on time. As our brains don't work very well.

My father was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. He found it difficult to even do the smallest tasks.

I've never been officially diagnosed as I haven't gone to the doctor, but I feel like my brain is similiar to my dad. I'm not good at remembering details/ planning things.

I actually fell out with my cousin over me being late once. But she never seemed to realise that it was a struggle for me to get to her on time.

I was flying from ireland to England to see my cousin. There are about 6 different transports I need to take to get there. I missed one and I subsequentlyy missed my flight. I booked on the next flight.

I told her and got to her house in England about six hours later than planned.

She was extremely angry. And unforgiving. I remember standing in her house being shouted at, that I had inconvenienced her.

I had travelled a long way and I cried.

We had such a big argument, that we never spoke again.

People sometimes need to be a little more understanding I think

The lack of acknowledgement/ apology is possibly ruder than being late. That behaviour infuriates me.

My sister never ever apologies for inconveniencing people in this manner. Many friendships have ended as they finally have enough. They often calmly explain it to her. She always sneers at it or claims they have a controlling partner or are really uptight themselves. I myself won't make any arrangements with her, ever.

I would have to say something as it would irritate me so much.

"Its not the end of the world but think it's only fair to tell you I was very upset the other day. You could have given me notice when you didn't leave on time. Then you seemed to be implying I was the problem which I really disagree with."

As I got to the park I received a message from her saying she was just leaving.

So she was lying. That's not ADHD, that's being rude. How long did she expect you to wait for her to bother turning up?

And as you mentioned she wasn't there 15 minutes after her message, I assume she doesn't live far away.

@Sashamalia yes sure, that was a disastrous journey and we've all had those, but that's got nothing to do with the OPs situation which was just poor planning and then gaslighting from her friend. No-one is suggesting that one off disasters can be avoided but equally, if you know a particular journey is often disrupted or delayed, you plan and get the earlier train or bus.
The 16 y/o I teach really struggle with this. They are late nearly every day because the public transport is unreliable but they refuse to get up and leave in time to catch the earlier bus as it would get them to school about 25 mins early (gates are open and there's warm places to go). I keep trying to tell them a future employer will not put up with it but they only thing they're interested in is their own convenience.

I have 2 friends like this , the only thing that worked was started doing the same so they tell me 2 mp and I showed up an hour after, they soon got the gist of things and tried to get on time

Yes absolutely, it’s the lack of acknowledgement and apology which has really annoyed me. She’s just brushed over it now, messaging about other things. I think I will have to say something, I just want to the tone/wording right.

She lives 5 miles away. If I had not messaged her, I have no idea when she would have told me how late she was going to be / how long I was expected to wait.

I have a friend like this. When we were 14 I'd be standing at our meeting place, and she'd rock up 20 minutes late because she'd decide that if she was meeting me at 6 and got in from whatever she had overcommitted to at 5.57 then she had time to have a shower, dry her hair and pop to the shop first. Absolutely baffling even with ADHD. She is at least apologetic, and still the same 25 years later!

Yeah I suppose the difference is there is no real incentive for them to get to school 30 mins early.

However there is more motivation to get to work on time when they are working, as they would be sacked for being constantly late

I think the people who are the late ones sometimes don't realise the inconvenience that they are causing the other people.

However when you are the person that is being left to wait, it is always very annoying

Thank you, you’ve nailed it here. It is the lack of care / empathy / apology in the follow up that is hurtful. I was already a bit upset that it had taken her 4 months to see me and my new baby, and that is only because I kept asking her about meeting up. So now the fact she was so late and gave a rubbish response trying to deflect makes me feel worse!

God how patronising. ADHD is hardly rare or unknown - it's bloody everywhere on SM. AND the OP has already said she HAS supported her friend for many years already.

I think enough is known about ADHD by now to know that those with it who make an effort to not let it impact on others, do ok and keep their friends, and those who use it as an excuse for poor behaviour don't. As said, people with ADHD learn to manage their time blindness with strategies if they want to function in this world. Theres plenty of resources to help this too.