To think being 45 mins late takes the piss

[Ivorymoon]

Arranged to meet a friend in the park today to meet my 4 month old baby. Agreed the day in advance and that we would meet in the morning, confirmed the time this morning and I messaged her again as I was leaving. As I got to the park I received a message from her saying she was just leaving. 15 minutes pass and she still wasn’t there, I message again asking her ETA and she says she will be another half hour - and she would still need to find a parking spot and walk to the park. At which point I decided to cancel - I was sick of waiting around, baby would need feeding soon, I also have horrible post partum joint pain which makes standing / walking for long periods very difficult.

So as not to drip feed - friend is lovely, has ADHD and is often late, I thought she might be more mindful as I now have a baby. I don’t mind waiting 10 mins or so but over half an hour is ridiculous without good reason IMO. I’ve been disappointed my friend hasn’t arranged to see me/ meet baby sooner as we both live in the same city, but she’s been very stressed and preoccupied with her PhD write up. Perhaps my disappointment is colouring my view on this.

Friend said she didn’t realise there was a ‘specific time window’ in regards to our meeting after I cancelled and explained why. I’m baffled by this as we did set a time.

AIBU to think being 45 mins late is rude and that it was fair enough of me to cancel?

I wonder if her logic was:
"parents spend time in the park with kids, so Ivorymoon will be happy there having a nice time with her child, and it doesn't matter exactly when I turn up"

Obviously flawed, but i can see how someone might assume that.

I have a friend like this and runs 15 minutes plus late all the time.

Having hung around too long in the past, I now always give her a meet time that is 15 minutes earlier than the actual time I plan to meet her and hey presto we always get there at roughly the same time now! She hasn't cottoned on yet!

She sounds very self absorbed and lacking in empathy. Not sure what the weather is where you are but here is has been cold raining and windy so I would not appreciate being post partum with a little baby out in the cold killing time waiting for someone. x

Please all have a look at how ableist you are being.

If OP had arranged to meet a wheelchair user in a place that was really hard to access, you would tell OP she needed to consider the disability.

So for a friend with ADHD, consider that she may not be on time. Plan things that will help you deal with that. "Hi friend, that's fine, don't stress, little one and I are going to do a lap round the park. Message me when you're here". 😊

I understand that too however it was made clear I was going to the park specifically to meet her. Perhaps I will need to be explicit in future!

Not having kids isn’t a reason / excuse. I don’t have kids & I think it’s just as important to be on time whether the person I’m meeting has them or doesn’t.

So I have this time blindness ADHD thing. 45 minutes is pretty bad, but I will often miss things by 15 minutes or so even when I'm really trying and I care deeply about not being late. What helps me is some close friends will get me to text them when I am ready to leave around the time we were agreeing and then we both leave together so we meet at the same time and they aren't stuck there waiting.

I know it probably feels very rude on your part- and it is but I expect your friend feels terrible as I always do. It shouldn't be hard- and yet time is like this slippery thing I just can't seem to get hold of. It jumps forward in huge chunks and I don't realise how it's gone unless I am staring at a clock (and that makes it hard to do the other things I need to do to get ready).

I am a great friend in many other ways. I'll give up my whole evening to help a friend run interview prep or write a complaint letter or help them clean if they are feeling overwhelmed with clutter or feed plants and pets while people are away. The lateness thing is absolutely not a reflection on how much I love or value my friends.

Time window?! Not even an apology?! She's incredibly rude and self absorbed.

How do people with time blindness manage doctors appointments, job interviews, work etc

What absolute BS and before you start with your ableist nonsense I am personally fully aware of what it’s like to have ADHD

It is no excuse to behave the way the friend did. People with ADHD, who care about their relationships with others, put in strategies to cope rather than expect the world to revolve around them.

Maybe adopt the time window terminology and tell her that yes at the moment you and baby only have about a 45 minute time window due to feeding/ recovery etc.

Thank you for this, I totally get where you’re coming from, you sound like a lovely friend!

My friend is too, I’m more taken aback by her dismissive reply which doesn’t feel very empathetic. I did message her when I was leaving so she knew I wouldn’t be long, in future perhaps I should leave once I know she has!

Lateness pisses me right off and unfortunately as an HCP I have to put up with lateness and manage the effects of someone being late as it has a knock on effect .
(And don't say Oh refuse to see the latecomer , it doesn't work like that . And there are individuals who are always late )

But in a social setting , if I was meeting up with a known tardy type I;d wait 10 minutes then leave . Their loss ,.
What they are saying is "My time is more important than yours" it is not cute or endearing ,

I think the managing successfully thing is a bit much for you to say if you don't have it. My ADHD brain is like trying to corral a naughty toddler. It takes an awful lot of mental energy to have a time restriction and focus on it. The kindest thing you can do for anyone ADHD is to try and recognise this is hard and remove the pressure if you don't need to have it there. Booked tickets for a show- absolutely I need to have that time pressure and I'll except that mental strain. Catching up over a cup of tea at your house? Kindest thing is say is come by anytime after 2pm and don't stress your friend out.

Trying to be somewhere on time for me is like masking autism. It's doable sometimes but it drains me so much and is actively uncomfortable.

I had a friend who did this every time we made arrangements. It was too draining and stressful to get together with her in the end. I didn’t fall out with her, but I stopped making arrangements to meet her. Haven’t seen her in two years. It was worth the sacrifice to be honest. Her time isn’t more valuable than mine.

There's plenty of pp here with adhd, myself included who think she's being a twat. If I took the piss by 45 minutes I'd be mortified and apologise, which is what her friend hasnt done. It's not ableist to say rude behaviour is rude behaviour, she should have let her know how late she was going to be and apologise. Her intent time wise doesn't really matter, the result was the same... The result warranting an apology

If I had a friend in a wheelchair and their wheelchair got stuck or broke and they were just sat there never going to turn up I'd expect a call or a text too. Not just a pass' because they are disabled'

I have ADHD and I have an adult child diagnosed with ADHD for more than 15 years.

We are bloody FANTASTIC at time management because we recognise how important it is.

It is very, very rude to be late without external reasons.

OP, I bet your friend would have been on time to collect a £10,000 prize.

I appreciate what you’re saying, however we’ve all got things that stress us out and there needs to be a level of mutual consideration and kindness. I’ve got health conditions myself, a new baby and a number of other stressors so my focus cannot all be on reducing her stress. We mutually agreed a time and place, as we have done many times before, if this was not doable she was more than capable of telling me so. Her dismissive response was not at all kind.

YANBU

Out of interest though, why didn't she come to your house to meet the baby?

I always think that's a better solution when you're meeting someone who struggles with time management (particularly if you've got a young baby and a condition that means standing/walking is painful).

With friends I always adjust based on the person.

I have a friend who is always early so I always tell him a time half an hour later.

I have a friend who is always late so I always tell him a time an hour earlier.

She probably assumed you already know her as a late person, and even if you don't adjust for it you'll expect her to be late.

In future I'd tell her a time an hour earlier.

Surely by time window she meant she was expecting to spend a longish unspecified amount of time with you rather than being rude.
I have ADHD diagnosed later in life taken me about 30 years to realise that if I need to be somewhere at 1:00 and it takes me 30 minutes to get there then I'm late if I haven't left by 12:30 and ideally I need to leave at 12:25, rather than thinking as long as I leave before 1:00 I wasn't late.
It sounds so simple but it's been unbelievably hard for me and I have really given myself such a hard time mentally about it.
Maybe the park at a specific time wasn't the best idea for either of your situations.

No, YANBU

We have a traditional of meeting in a particular place in a park nearby in the spring time. The weather was forecast to be nice in the morning so we both agreed to do that. I was happy to go out for a short walk, but adding 45 minutes on top is not what I had planned for the morning.

An ex colleague was late for work every day, she now does a wfh job and is still late logging on! 🙄 I'm not sure how she keeps jobs!

People being very late is my pet hate, I find it rude and arrogant. If someone is 10 minutes late I really don't mind, things happen, traffic etc but to be 45 minutes late is really bad.