To think being 45 mins late takes the piss

[Ivorymoon]

Arranged to meet a friend in the park today to meet my 4 month old baby. Agreed the day in advance and that we would meet in the morning, confirmed the time this morning and I messaged her again as I was leaving. As I got to the park I received a message from her saying she was just leaving. 15 minutes pass and she still wasn’t there, I message again asking her ETA and she says she will be another half hour - and she would still need to find a parking spot and walk to the park. At which point I decided to cancel - I was sick of waiting around, baby would need feeding soon, I also have horrible post partum joint pain which makes standing / walking for long periods very difficult.

So as not to drip feed - friend is lovely, has ADHD and is often late, I thought she might be more mindful as I now have a baby. I don’t mind waiting 10 mins or so but over half an hour is ridiculous without good reason IMO. I’ve been disappointed my friend hasn’t arranged to see me/ meet baby sooner as we both live in the same city, but she’s been very stressed and preoccupied with her PhD write up. Perhaps my disappointment is colouring my view on this.

Friend said she didn’t realise there was a ‘specific time window’ in regards to our meeting after I cancelled and explained why. I’m baffled by this as we did set a time.

AIBU to think being 45 mins late is rude and that it was fair enough of me to cancel?

So rude and inconsiderate. It's clear she considers her time more important than yours and has not the self awareness to understand how this impacts others. I am a grandparent carer and my gs's mum often would arrange to see him and arrive 1.5 hours late. I saw the impact this had on him and he used to get into bed and try to sleep. So selfish. I now have a thing about punctuality.

People have got to stop using adhd as an excuse to be rude.

I have adhd (diagnosed by a psychiatrist not TikTok) + am sufficiently affected by it to have daily meds as well as to have to put real effort in to staying on top of my life / managing time blindness etc.

ADHD makes me forgetful, scatty + concentrated on all the wrong things. It doesn’t make me rude. It is more than possible to forget + be scatty - and then to make a heartfelt apology for letting someone down / acknowledge they might feel unimportant to you.

your friend sounds like she’s not really prioritising you. I’d focus your social effort on people who are meeting you halfway.

ADHD is not an excuse to be so rude and thoughtless. There is time blindness which can lead to genuinely not realising how much time has passed when focused on something, and a painful self of paralysis that prevents doing something until adhd brain decides it’s time to move, but your friend should apologise and not deflect

Precisely this

Her ADHD is not an excuse. She has disrespected you and expects the world to revolve around her. No doubt trots out the ND card and expects everyone to put up with her rudeness. Let her contact you in future.

Lots of people habitually behave like this with respect to time keeping. If it bothers you (it does me!) you can either take account of this poor time keeping when arranging future get togethers or stop arranging to meet her at all.

For me I don't maintain friendships with anyone who is habitually late but I think my stance is quite extreme.

Pre kids this kind of lateness wouldn’t be unheard of in my friendship group. You need to spell it out to her and say if she’s meeting people with kids or a baby, being late creates stress. Spell it out. If she’s rude in response to that then she’s just a rude person generally.

YANBU - 45 minutes is a long time to wait around in the park with a baby.

She thinks her time is more valuable than yours. She isn't a friend but she is discourteous. I'd leave her behind.

Ya a 4 month old baby can't be expected to wait. Who does she think she is?

Yanbu- I have adhd and manage time keeping by being early- overly early as I struggle to estimate how long things take

If it mattered she would be there on time- it's not that hard. Late people just see their time as more important and yours as disposable imho

I don’t think your stance is extreme at all. I think it’s very sane. If we all stopped excusing sloppy / lazy / late behaviour from each other and started holding our communities to higher standards then I think the world would be a better place.

I treat my friends time (+ expertise + resources + energy) with respect - and expect that they do the same.

I have an ADHD and can tell you for a fact that your friends is plain rude. The ADHD is not to blame for anything in this case. I’m really sorry OP, making you and the baby wait for 45 min is ridiculous.

The vast majority of her friends have babies/toddlers so you’d think she’d know this by now! But yes I will need to spell it out it seems

This⬆️

I'd give her one more chance and if it happens again I'd drop her as a friend. You don't matter to her enough for her to make an effort to be on time.

Ditto.

Shes always 30m late to anything we arrange

But managed to get to work on time so .......

Now I tell her 1030 and I get there for 11

She's never got there before me but if maybe one day she did ever manage it

Well she would have to wait for me 😂😂

I do this as well, I’m always the first one to arrive. Always have my book/ headphones with me because I know I’ll be by myself for a while.

Her lack of apology can’t be down to ADHD. If she’s bad at time management she should at least hone her manners and apologise for it.

Your friend has ADHD.
One of the most common symptoms is around time management.
You are being unreasonable because your friend has a disability but you expect her to live her life as if she doesn't.

I would recommend learning about ADHD and how it affects people, and then supporting your friend to live her life with her disability. 😊

Exactly.

So disabled people are sinful?

You know her mind and thought process then? You are attributing thoughts to a disabled person. Awful.

This topic comes up frequently on here. The habitually late think punctual people are uptight and should show more consideration with 'time blind' folk as they just can't help it. You waiting in a cafe or bar on your own like a prize lemon for ages because the person you are meeting only left their front door at the actual time of the arranged meeting is of no concern as they 'just can't help it'. Strangely these same people can arrive at airports, dental appointments and their place of work on time as there are actual real, financial or otherwise, consequences. You, on the other hand need to just show flexibility to their epically crap time keeping.

Are you discounting experiences from the posters in this thread who describe how they put strategies in place in order to avoid situations like the one I experienced this morning?

I would recommend you learn about the many ways in which ADHD can be managed successfully 😊