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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Handhold please dd out and not in touch

197 replies

Wherecanshebe · 28/03/2024 23:36

Please can I have a handhold.

DD is out in London. I last heard from her about two hours ago. She had been to a show with a friend and they went to meet a couple of other friends at a pub.

She's 25. I know it's daft but it's out of character and her phone is off. It's getting late and if she's out of battery she won't be able to get an uber and may be stuck.

She had a bad afternoon and was in tears but we saw each other for an hour and she headed off happily at 6ish.

OP posts:
Tattletwat · 29/03/2024 14:09

MothersofGorgons · 29/03/2024 12:13

Except @Ivyy no one knew OP's DD was autistic because she did not say. I do have a DD diagnosed with anxiety, actually.

I think far from being a nest of vipers, MN is actuallly a nest of very anxious people who want to stay that way.,

Absolutely and she did post in AIBU so yep people thought she was.

FunnysInLaJardin · 29/03/2024 14:10

Wherecanshebe · 29/03/2024 11:30

I'm just going to provide some clarity and then leave the thread.

I said it was: daft, out of character, that she is neurodiverse, had been upset earlier in the day and I had calmed her down before she went off, (it was disproportionate but that's who she is), it was midnight and actually the overground she needs stops shortly after, she may have been out of battery and unable to get an uber. She was not an easy or well known journey away and got an uber all the way home. For context it was £60.00. She was with a new group of friends and far from her usual stamping ground. It would have been entirely different had she been with her boyfriend or her usual gang and in a part of London she knows well. She doesn't always make the best decisions when she has had a wine or three and then gets distressed.

In her mid/late teens we had a heck of a time in relation to her MH (she also suffers from GAD and depression), she is autistic, has ADHD and dyspraxia. Happily she is very high functioning, had three good years at uni, has a good and responsible job, but lives at home and panics if her plans go awry.

I was worried and asked for a handhold, not to be told I was controlling, disproportionately anxious, destroying our relationship and needed to take stock. From a different sort of home I have no doubt she may not have recovered so well in her teens, may not be as high functioning as she is, may not have taken a first, etc.

It's a shame so many have leapt to conclusions without knowing all the context and have, frankly, been judgemental and unkind.

Nest of vipers indeed. I have been on MNet for decades and this has been an atrocious pile on and in MNet speak I wonder who left the gate to the cunt farm open last night.

am loving cunt farm 😂

You are right OP, there are some nasty bastards around.

It beggars belief that just because your DC is an adult you are suddenly not supposed to care. If someone lives with you of course you worry about them!

RawBloomers · 29/03/2024 14:23

nadine90 · 29/03/2024 13:11

Op, you asked for a hand hold and I would have given you one had I seen this in time. You weren’t asking people what you should do but to reassure you when you felt worried. You can’t help worrying.
As my dc are getting older I am realising how scary it is when they become more independent. I dread mine going out at night and know I will worry about them getting home safe, however old they are. I won’t tell them what to do when they’re adults, but I know you can’t just switch the worry off. I’m glad your daughter is home safe xxx

You can switch the worry off. It takes time and will, though. Which is unlikely if you don’t recognise how corrosive it is.

Rocknrollstar · 29/03/2024 14:34

DD, DH and I use Life 360 so we can see each other’s location. It can be turned off for privacy. DD is older than 25 but I have explained that if she goes missing at least I’ll know where to tell the police to start looking! And she likes that security.

willWillSmithsmith · 29/03/2024 15:14

viques · 29/03/2024 12:45

Life has changed. When I left home I lived in a house with no landline phone. I used to call my mum once a week on a Sunday evening, reversing the charges from the phone in the launderette. 🙂. Never occurred to me to ask if she wondered what I was up to for the rest of the week.

It’s expectations though isn’t it, they’ve changed since mobile phones.

SquirrelSoShiny · 29/03/2024 15:31

I've seen it all now.

AutumnCrow · 29/03/2024 15:39

MothersofGorgons · 29/03/2024 11:36

Bit of a dripfeed?

In the OP's first post: I know it's daft but it's out of character and her phone is off. It's getting late and if she's out of battery she won't be able to get an uber and may be stuck. She had a bad afternoon and was in tears

In her next couple of posts from last night she elaborates on this and her daughter's additional needs.

So 'drip feed'? No, not really.

OutOfTheHouse · 29/03/2024 15:42

AutumnCrow · 29/03/2024 15:39

In the OP's first post: I know it's daft but it's out of character and her phone is off. It's getting late and if she's out of battery she won't be able to get an uber and may be stuck. She had a bad afternoon and was in tears

In her next couple of posts from last night she elaborates on this and her daughter's additional needs.

So 'drip feed'? No, not really.

Show quote history

Yes it is. There is a massive difference between a NT mother and daughter who are close and message frequently and a ND daughter who is in an unfamiliar part of London with new friends.

AutumnCrow · 29/03/2024 15:42

Also from OP last night:

Yes she does live at home.

I appreciate that some people travel the world at 25. When she was at uni I didn't worry but she's a quiet soul, gets anxious and whilst high functioning is neuro diverse.

VPay · 29/03/2024 15:44

Wherecanshebe · 29/03/2024 11:30

I'm just going to provide some clarity and then leave the thread.

I said it was: daft, out of character, that she is neurodiverse, had been upset earlier in the day and I had calmed her down before she went off, (it was disproportionate but that's who she is), it was midnight and actually the overground she needs stops shortly after, she may have been out of battery and unable to get an uber. She was not an easy or well known journey away and got an uber all the way home. For context it was £60.00. She was with a new group of friends and far from her usual stamping ground. It would have been entirely different had she been with her boyfriend or her usual gang and in a part of London she knows well. She doesn't always make the best decisions when she has had a wine or three and then gets distressed.

In her mid/late teens we had a heck of a time in relation to her MH (she also suffers from GAD and depression), she is autistic, has ADHD and dyspraxia. Happily she is very high functioning, had three good years at uni, has a good and responsible job, but lives at home and panics if her plans go awry.

I was worried and asked for a handhold, not to be told I was controlling, disproportionately anxious, destroying our relationship and needed to take stock. From a different sort of home I have no doubt she may not have recovered so well in her teens, may not be as high functioning as she is, may not have taken a first, etc.

It's a shame so many have leapt to conclusions without knowing all the context and have, frankly, been judgemental and unkind.

Nest of vipers indeed. I have been on MNet for decades and this has been an atrocious pile on and in MNet speak I wonder who left the gate to the cunt farm open last night.

💐and as we know unmumsnetty hugs.

Ignore the internet trolls.

SocksShmocks · 29/03/2024 15:55

Dollenganger333 · 29/03/2024 12:55

Edited to add that I am autistic so I understand, in part, where the OP was coming from (albeit the last post was a massive drip feed) but no need to say what she said

I agree. I can't stand this attitude of 'oh but they're high functioning, not like those other awful people'. It's the most damaging type of ableism of all and can come from ND people. I can totally see why people in the autistic community want to get rid of functioning labels. They don't help anyone.

Agree. And a dig at other parents who apperently haven’t done such an amazing job as the OP in steering their children through tricky times resulting in a first class degree 🙄

Deftandglory · 29/03/2024 16:11

I’m not sure why being ND and out with your friends means you need to check in. She’s been to Uni and holds down a job. Becoming overwhelmed and anxious is fine but the idea that mum or other family members are there to support you the whole time gets to the point where it doesn’t help.

Learning to cope with anxiety and being overwhelmed is no different to coping with busy roads or strangers or anything else. I mean mum says she’s was great at Uni. Would that have been an option at 13. No because she was much younger and not able to.
Being ND does not necessarily mean you stay a child your entire life, dependent on your parents.

Deftandglory · 29/03/2024 16:12

And the DD was fine. Mum was the one with the issue.

mrsdineen2 · 29/03/2024 16:14

I hope you don't use the same deeply misogynistic slurs around your daughter OP.

Stickysusan · 29/03/2024 16:14

OP, massive drip feed and pretty abusive last post. You are totally unreasonable.

ExpressCheckout · 29/03/2024 16:28

@Wherecanshebe I wonder who left the gate to the cunt farm open last night

^ I love this line and will try my very hardest not to use it at work
Glad she's OK OP

Magnastorm · 29/03/2024 16:39

Deftandglory · 29/03/2024 16:12

And the DD was fine. Mum was the one with the issue.

This is the thing.

People who expressed concern were not "Trolling". It's an entirely valid point to make that being so anxious about an adult being out of contact for such a short time is not healthy.

ThreeLocusts · 29/03/2024 17:25

OP just to say I can easily imagine myself fretting about my eldest just as you did when she's 25. She's just not quite of this world; expectations differ with the individual. Ignore the finger wagging.

Livelovebehappy · 29/03/2024 17:35

Depends on your child. OPs anxiety might well have been valid in her world. My ds is a very sensitive soul. He’s 23 and lives at home and just thinks the best of everyone. He finishes work at 10.30 every night, and I pick him up. There are often attacks in our city by feral teens. I might be deemed as over protective, but I honestly don’t care. Would rather make sure he gets home safe than leave him to navigate our un-policed, unsafe streets. It’s like bloody Mad Max out there sometimes.

Comedycook · 29/03/2024 17:43

Livelovebehappy · 29/03/2024 17:35

Depends on your child. OPs anxiety might well have been valid in her world. My ds is a very sensitive soul. He’s 23 and lives at home and just thinks the best of everyone. He finishes work at 10.30 every night, and I pick him up. There are often attacks in our city by feral teens. I might be deemed as over protective, but I honestly don’t care. Would rather make sure he gets home safe than leave him to navigate our un-policed, unsafe streets. It’s like bloody Mad Max out there sometimes.

Does he have special needs?

Livelovebehappy · 29/03/2024 17:58

Comedycook · 29/03/2024 17:43

Does he have special needs?

Show quote history

Not diagnosed with special needs, no. He is a little different probably to his peers, and always has been. But it doesn’t have to be as black and white as either SEN, or none SEN. Some are in neither group, but their personalities are just a bit different or off the wall.

Bestyearever2024 · 30/03/2024 17:03

Nest of vipers indeed. I have been on MNet for decades and this has been an atrocious pile on and in MNet speak I wonder who left the gate to the cunt farm open last night

Same person who left the gate open to the 'let's drip feed to try to make everyone feel bad' farm.

Sort yourself out, OP.

JMSA · 30/03/2024 17:06

Crikey, I'm really sorry, but this isn't normal. Leave her alone when she's out with her friends!

JustToBeMe · 30/03/2024 17:53

For all those saying "she's 25!!"
"I had left home at 16" blah blah blah

I guess many of you still have young children who don't go out on their own yet!

Op I get it totally, my 25 yr old has gone away for the weekend on his own for the first time, traveling by train with 2 changes.

We live in a village, not a town/city, and yes I'm wondering how he's coping.

I think as parents, we never really stop worrying about our kids no matter how old they are...

I'd think you'd be odd not to, to be honest 🤷‍♀️

crumblingschools · 30/03/2024 18:10

Very people are saying it’s abnormal for the OP to worry, the difference is that most of us don’t expect to be in constant contact with 25yo when they are out with their mates