Handhold please dd out and not in touch

[Wherecanshebe]

Please can I have a handhold.

DD is out in London. I last heard from her about two hours ago. She had been to a show with a friend and they went to meet a couple of other friends at a pub.

She's 25. I know it's daft but it's out of character and her phone is off. It's getting late and if she's out of battery she won't be able to get an uber and may be stuck.

She had a bad afternoon and was in tears but we saw each other for an hour and she headed off happily at 6ish.

In her opinion, it's significant but that may be directly linked to OP's anxiety - and a means of 'justifying' her level of worry and control.

Same here, with my 28 year old DS who lives at home. He’s very good and keeps in touch, but when you don’t hear from them, it’s worrying. I blame mobile phones, if we didn’t have them, we would just have to let them get on it their lives.

Lol. DH came to me panicking because our ND 20 year old wasn’t home at 2:15 when he’d gone for a couple of drinks. His phone was off too.

Whilst forgetting he had form for not staying in touch, not coming home before 4am, and not charging his phone!

He was fine. And arrived home at 4:15.

But the risk of a woman being attacked is small
compared to the amount of women who go out every night and are completely fine.

The reason why Sarah Everard got so much coverage was because it was so rare and horrific.

Young males are also at risk of physical attack, so it is normal for parents to worry when DC are out, but we need to wean ourselves off being in constant contact with them

OP, I'm glad your daughter is ok but this level of anxiety over being out of contact for a couple of hours is not healthy for either of you.

At 18, I had left home and my parents had basically no way of getting hold of me. I maybe called them once a week to check in. Your daughter is an adult, you shouldn't have tracking apps on her phone and you shouldn't be getting into a panic because she wants to spend an evening out without having to constantly update you on where she is.

This is one of the reasons why it is so sad that our young people do not have the same opportunities (as I did) to move out of home at 18-20.

London is pretty safe. Mine stay out till 2 am

I know the worry only too well, but I have Sons, not Daughters.

One night around 10 years ago I hadn't heard from my oldest Son, aged 22 at the time, overnight but didn't think too much of it. He was, and still is, a party animal.

I was getting ready for work when I received a phone call from eldest Son (it might've been his girlfriend who rang, I can't remember due to the trauma of what followed). My Son had been stabbed in the neck with a broken bottle and was being rushed for surgery.

Thankfully my Son survived to tell the tale. The surgeon that operated on my Son told us that if the wound had been a few millimetres from where it was it would've been a different story.

So although I know shocking stories like mine are rare, it isn't (in my opinion) over reacting to worry like the OP did about our adult children.

Sometimes bad things do happen.

While I appreciate this, you're doing yourself and her no favours by getting this anxious over a night out with her friends. She's with friends. She's only a trainline away from home for a couple of hours.

I strongly agree. My mum was like this, and it led her to get hysterical and controlling over perfectly normal behaviour for a young adult woman. It made our relationship very difficult. Even now I tell her very little about what’s going on in my life because she’ll obsess over any difficulty I’m facing and treat it as her own. She was later diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and is a little better these days, but it’s tough on her and tough on all of us.

We all worry about our offspring. My DM nagged me well into her 90's. We get that gut wrenching anxiety.

It helps to look at the rationale picture too. Very sadly, what happened to Sarah Everard wouldn't have been prevented by her texting her Mum.

Rationally, phone signals are not reliable in central London, especially underground. It's easy to worry, but helpful to let our sensible brains take charge and tell ourselves that no contact is OK.

At 25 I lived in a flat share like most of us did but sometimes stayed with DM for a week or more inbetween (also in London area). Once my landlord had had a disaster with the bathroom flooding from the flat above and ruining the kitchen in our flat below! I had a mobile at 24 and as soon as I got it both DM and DB would ring me every day, so much so I wished I’d never got it!

The strange thing was, when I did stay with her, she was generally really relaxed about where I was, she didn’t need to know where I was or who I was with and even if I went back to a friends house that was fine too. Even when I moved back home briefly for 6 months at 21 after I broke off my engagement she was still fine and was encouraging me to go out to parties and clubs!

What was interesting with me is that my DM on and off during her 20s had also moved back to her DM’s house (they had 2 large houses next to each other) and similar happened there, her DM didn’t worry about her at all, or if she did, didn’t say so.

Good lord a 25! year old out with friends late at night ! why on earth is your 25 year old constantly in touch with you? Jesus wept

This - it completely fucked up DH uncle life stopped him going out at all because of his parents anxiety when he did - well before phones - never moved out or manage much of a social life. DH GM on her death bed was full of regrets couldn't stop apologizing to him.

My own parents could be like this - as an adult they get told very little by any of us. I know personally it is very stressful to be on the end of - it's not just a text message or a phone call - it's constant pressure and when you realise you massive step back for self preservation reasons.

Worrying about kids of any age is normal - this need for constant reassurance is not it's damaging.

OP she is 25. Your problem is not that she was briefly out of touch, it's that you both think this is normal.
She needs to be an adult, and you need to let her go.

My 23 yr old travels in Asia. Sometimes alone. She texts if she can, but quite often not. She had a terrible uni epxerience in the pandemic and got very anxious, so now she is living life as she wants. With certain sensible precautions.

I don't say I don't worry, but I have always believed that women can't cower at home because of men.

I was constantly burdened by my mother’s worrying when I was late teens/early twenties. I was made to feel guilty for having a social life, told ‘but it’s the way I am’. I thank God find my iPhone wasn’t a thing then or she’d have tracked me all night. I moved out quick and told her nothing after that.

Kindly, OP, you need to work on yourself here and not put this high level of anxiety onto your daughter. I know you don't intend to, but it's over the top and will spill over onto her. She's 25. She's allowed to not be in touch for more than two hours and have her phone off whenever she likes. I'm sorry but this level of enmeshment isn't healthy. My parents did this to me and I felt forever guilty that they thought I'd end up dead in the woods whenever I went for a small adventure. They never voiced this, but their behaviour spoke volumes and I felt so responsible for their excessive worrying.

Brilliant post. I really wish the people who just come on to threads to be nasty and put the boot in would piss off elsewhere. Even if it is AIBU there are ways to say that you are without being a total dick to someone who is obviously worried.

'A mother never stops worrying'. This sentence completely denies any accountability. Nobody said she shouldn't worry, but it shouldn't keep her up at night when she's 25 and shouldn't need an alert on Mumsnet or regular checking in by her. She wasn't just worrying. She was painting worst case scenarios and want regular updates in very short intervals. Instead of taking responsibility for her own anxiety she is putting this onto her? Are you worried about the impact on her or just your own discomfort?

If you are on the Tube, there is often poor Wifi. and texts go astray as well.

Brilliant post. I really wish the people who just come on to threads to be nasty and put the boot in would piss off elsewhere. Even if it is AIBU there are ways to say that you are without being a total dick to someone who is obviously worried.

Except that people aren't putting the boot in. They are suggesting that OP could get help to manage her anxiety. In doing so she will help herself in future and is likely to have a better relationship with her daughter.

I am glad she is OK.

You are clearly a loving mother who wants the best for her child.

There is a reason that your post has disturbed and upset so many people, and I really hope you will give that consideration, and consider working with your daughter towards a future in which you both have more healthy, age appropriate boundaries which respect her privacy.

Imagine the scene, OP. Your daughter meets the man/woman of her dreams in the pub, post-show. Wants to rush home with them and make mad, passionate love. "Sorry, I've got to message my mom first, she'll be worrying..." "But you're 25...."

Is this the life you want for your amazing daughter, OP? As the loving mother you undoubtedly are?

Good luck to you both. Xxx

Encouraging excessive anxiety as normal is not helpful - OP was reassured by many posters but also told to seek help for her anxiety before she damages her relationship with her DD.

I personally found more I complied with my parents demands the more they grew and the smaller my world got and more anxious I grew and pushing back was better for all of us.