Handhold please dd out and not in touch

[Wherecanshebe]

Please can I have a handhold.

DD is out in London. I last heard from her about two hours ago. She had been to a show with a friend and they went to meet a couple of other friends at a pub.

She's 25. I know it's daft but it's out of character and her phone is off. It's getting late and if she's out of battery she won't be able to get an uber and may be stuck.

She had a bad afternoon and was in tears but we saw each other for an hour and she headed off happily at 6ish.

Some people are offering helpful advice and some aren't. Some are just coming on the thread to do the whole I am so much better than you because my kid travels round darkest Peru alone.
Lets not forget the fact that the OP did not ask for advice or suggestions she asked for a handhold because she was worried. If people can't just do that then they don't need to post.

Unless special needs etc, no 25 year old EVER has to tell their parent where they are. I just find this bizarre, tbh.

I don't blame phones. I blame this ridiculous infantalising of grown adults. I had two children and my own house at 28. I find it really weird that people in their mid to late twenties are still being treated like teens.

Very glad to read this, OP. You could gently ask DD to keep in touch a bit more often when she’s out later than expected!

The CoL is only going to make this worse, especially in London. One of mine likely can't afford to move out. Roll on multi-generational living 🙄

Hope she is OK

I'm just going to provide some clarity and then leave the thread.

I said it was: daft, out of character, that she is neurodiverse, had been upset earlier in the day and I had calmed her down before she went off, (it was disproportionate but that's who she is), it was midnight and actually the overground she needs stops shortly after, she may have been out of battery and unable to get an uber. She was not an easy or well known journey away and got an uber all the way home. For context it was £60.00. She was with a new group of friends and far from her usual stamping ground. It would have been entirely different had she been with her boyfriend or her usual gang and in a part of London she knows well. She doesn't always make the best decisions when she has had a wine or three and then gets distressed.

In her mid/late teens we had a heck of a time in relation to her MH (she also suffers from GAD and depression), she is autistic, has ADHD and dyspraxia. Happily she is very high functioning, had three good years at uni, has a good and responsible job, but lives at home and panics if her plans go awry.

I was worried and asked for a handhold, not to be told I was controlling, disproportionately anxious, destroying our relationship and needed to take stock. From a different sort of home I have no doubt she may not have recovered so well in her teens, may not be as high functioning as she is, may not have taken a first, etc.

It's a shame so many have leapt to conclusions without knowing all the context and have, frankly, been judgemental and unkind.

Nest of vipers indeed. I have been on MNet for decades and this has been an atrocious pile on and in MNet speak I wonder who left the gate to the cunt farm open last night.

My children are in their 30s, settled, married, mortgaged, parents.
Do I worry about their safety? Yes I do sometimes!!
When they come to visit (2 of them live around 200 miles away) I always insist they text when they are home safe.

Ignore the haters OP

Bit of a dripfeed?

OP I'd be exactly the same and have been many times, my DD is now nearly 23. Concern for children over 10 seems to be triggering for many on MN, as in triggers their desperate need to be arseholes. I'd have been unsettled too. Your reaction was entirely normal.

From a different sort of home I have no doubt she may not have recovered so well in her teens, may not be as high functioning as she is, may not have taken a first, etc.

Wow.

@GoingDownLikeBHS You may see this as being an arsehole, but your 23-year-old DD texts you every two hours? Is she ND?

Yes I think if the details about autism, dyspraxia, ADHD etc was in the first post the replies would have been different. The first post just sounded like an over anxious or controlling parent of a 25 year old who was out enjoying herself.

Having said that I've lost sympathy since reading the last paragraph of OPs explanation. No need for that.

I'm sorry, but this is just a complete overreaction.

Most people were trying to help, especially before what is quite the dripfeed.

But if you want to continue being an anxious mess because your adult daughter is out of contact for what, 2 hours? crack on.

Lost me now; where did I say my DD texts me every 2 hours? My DD does keep in touch a lot, that's what we do. I've had this on so many threads; I remember people going apeshit once as I said I always ask her what she had for dinner. (Where does the arsehole come into it?)

As I say, very triggering for some people. OP is entitled to be worried. Even since I posted a few minutes ago people coming on and trying to ramp up the outrage.

I agree with this. I think you need to seek some help for your anxiety.

As a parent of an autistic teen I can see why you felt this way. Your concerns sound valid. For those who have judged you, it’s because they don’t understand. Your daughter is vulnerable. It is likely her age is irrelevant. I’m glad she is ok. I hope you are also.

This op!

I had the same reaction as you to that part of OPs post

If that’s the attitude she has then I think she is part of the “cunt farm” as she calls it, not the posters

Awful thing to say

Edited to add that I am autistic so I understand, in part, where the OP was coming from (albeit the last post was a massive drip feed) but no need to say what she said

Right well as a ND adult with many of those issues I would have been much worse if my DP had insisted on 2 hour phone calls on night out. My anxiety got better as my confidence improved as I learnt to navigate things like travel plan going awry myself without having my parents hanging and criticizing over my shoulder.

I get the concern - DD is ND and at 18 and Uni - I do worry but I don't think your drip feed does actually justify your concern for a 25 year old - your worries I get as you are on max alert waiting for her to fail - I know that what my parents said and it came from a place of love but fuck me it destroys you as it make you start to doubt your own capabilities.

I strongly suspect my own parents anxiety was partly driven by their own undiagnosed ND - though many of their justifications would in a partner raise more red flags than a May day red square parade most people would go along with them validating them and making them worse.

ND does make it so much harder to step back - but at 25 it really does need to be done because at what point are you intending to stop - 30 - 40 - never.

Ok. But the OP said her DD texts every 2 hours, and she worries if she doesn't. So your situation does not seem the same?

Trigger seems a strong word to use in this situation.

From a different sort of home I have no doubt she may not have recovered so well in her teens, may not be as high functioning as she is, may not have taken a first, etc.

Think you’ve lost any lecturing about being judgmental or ‘you’re all mean vipers’ ground with that little insert.

I worry like crazy about my kids at times (one is neuro-diverse) and about DH too - but perspective is needed OP - I think being challenged on your hyper-vigilance is not a bad thing - you can choose to give the advice you have been given some thought or you can choose to ignore it and call everyone cunts. Feedback can be hard - but it's a gift if you choose to listen.

Umm.

OP I do think most people were very measured and supportive in what they posted. You may not agree with them, but calling them cunts is a bit much.