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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Handhold please dd out and not in touch

197 replies

Wherecanshebe · 28/03/2024 23:36

Please can I have a handhold.

DD is out in London. I last heard from her about two hours ago. She had been to a show with a friend and they went to meet a couple of other friends at a pub.

She's 25. I know it's daft but it's out of character and her phone is off. It's getting late and if she's out of battery she won't be able to get an uber and may be stuck.

She had a bad afternoon and was in tears but we saw each other for an hour and she headed off happily at 6ish.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 29/03/2024 08:11

@Letmehaveabloodyusernameplease you never stop worrying about them but when they are out with their mates having a good time they shouldn’t be in constant contact with their mum

WandaWonder · 29/03/2024 08:13

Letmehaveabloodyusernameplease · 29/03/2024 08:08

I'm so glad to see your update, OP, and I don't care what anyone says, no matter how old your kids are, you never stop worrying about them 💐

Worrying is normal having them glued to you is not whether in person or constant electronic contact

Rosebel · 29/03/2024 08:22

Chattywatty · 29/03/2024 07:48

Honestly OP no 25 year old should need to be in touch with their mum every couple of hours. She’s an adult, she’s with friends. And I genuinely in the nicest possible way think you need to really have a think about why you’ve got yourself into such a panic when you haven’t heard from her for 2 hours that you need a handhold. Having to keep in touch that often isn’t fair on either of you

I agree with this. I'm glad she's safe though.
Recently my 17 year old went to London with her boyfriend from 6am to almost midnight (3 hours of travel). I spent the entire day terrified something would happen to her but I didn't insist on regular messages. The only time I heard from her was when she was on the way home.
I hope next time you can come up with a plan together that doesn't involve messaging so much.
Would you rather not message at all or just ask her to message on the way home or if she needs something? Just thinking it might be less worrying for you.

Zyq · 29/03/2024 08:24

Wherecanshebe · 28/03/2024 23:45

@WhateverMate because we message regularly and she wasn't messaging back. We hadn't spoken, we had messaged.

There aren't many young women who would be messaging their mum whilst out with their friends. You really should cut back on the messaging in those circumstances.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 29/03/2024 08:25

Glad she’s fine: maybe this is a chance to discuss and reevaluate your communication. It sounds wildly unhealthy to me. She’s an adult. I barely called my parents once a month when I went to uni (pre smart phones). You need to let go of your dependency on each other.

Cattyisbatty · 29/03/2024 08:32

Glad she’s back home but I agree with others that you are overly anxious. I am also an anxious mum but I never message my adult children when they’re at home & out (they’re students) as I’d worry more if they didn’t answer.
I used to not sleep, but I do now and just not put phone on silent. I’ll also ask them to call normally, not through WhatsApp as it will buzz on my Fitbit, which I’ll wear in bed.

PuppiesOnTheWay · 29/03/2024 08:32

You can't carry on like this OP.
I was living with my now husband and our 2 year old at your daughters age. I certainly wasn't updating my mother on my whereabouts every couple of hours when I went for a night out!

Cattyisbatty · 29/03/2024 08:33

WandaWonder · 29/03/2024 08:13

Worrying is normal having them glued to you is not whether in person or constant electronic contact

Show quote history

Agree.
I’m happiest when my DCs are out with their friends having a good time.

PeaceandCakes · 29/03/2024 08:33

Your anxiety and control sounds excessive.

You say your DP is neuro-diverse- is she and are you?

Kindly, I think you have to ask if your own anxiety is the issue.

At 25 I was living 350 miles away from my parents. I was reasonably close to my parents, but there was no way they knew much about my social life apart from what I told them in our weekly phone calls. (No mobiles then.) I was travelling into London for my social life.

I think you need to back off a bit.

Phoning/contacting her when she's out with friends is not acceptable.

If you worry about her safety, maybe talking about how she can keep herself safe and have back up plans etc is the way forward.

For example, she could agree to call you when she was at the station on the train home at an agreed time .

She could also share the phone numbers of her friends (if they agree) so you have a contact if she's late etc.

Dollenganger333 · 29/03/2024 08:35

ND adults are much more vulnerable than NT adults, even at 25. I should know. I'm an ND adult with grown up ND children.

PeaceandCakes · 29/03/2024 08:37

On another topic @Wherecanshebe I'd rethink the use of Ubers.

I know young women in London who won't use them. There have been too many cases of dodgy drivers (assaulting women.) Black cabs are safer, or taking the tube with a group of friends, not on her own if it's late in the evening.

Willmafrockfit · 29/03/2024 08:38

it gets easier when they no longer live at home op,
then you will be unaware of what they are up to.

looknicejackie · 29/03/2024 08:38

About 10 years ago one of my friends asked her Daughter who was off to Uni to text her every night so that she knew she was home safe. Her daughter refused. As she rightly explained, any time she forgot to text because she was asleep, or a bit drunk, or having a good time, would drive her mum wild with worry.

Our DC need to know that we will be there for them when they need us, but we have to trust them to build their independence.

PeaceandCakes · 29/03/2024 08:39

Dollenganger333 · 29/03/2024 08:35

ND adults are much more vulnerable than NT adults, even at 25. I should know. I'm an ND adult with grown up ND children.

Neuro Diverse covers so many conditions that you can't generalise.
Someone who is dyslexic or has ADHD can call themselves ND but that's very different from other forms.

Justgorgeous · 29/03/2024 08:42

Bloody hell. My 18 year old is travelling around the world on his own. When he calls, he calls. This is way OTT.

NOTANUM · 29/03/2024 08:43

Glad your DD is okay and the weekend can start now.
It is however time to consider how to increase her independence so she doesn’t need to rely on you so much (frequent messages when she is out with mates is odd) or to manage your own anxieties regarding her going out, or maybe both.
It might seem that it comes from a place of closeness but it’s co-dependence which is unhealthy after early/mid teenage years.

Sofiabella · 29/03/2024 08:45

You can't get yourself into this state every time you don't speak to your adult daughter for two hours. It isn't healthy for either of you.

ParsonsPont · 29/03/2024 08:47

Pleased all is well, but she’s 25. You’ll be suffocating her and if you carry on like this, she will get fed up and push you away.

Dollenganger333 · 29/03/2024 08:50

@PeaceandCakes the OP mentioned it so it must be significant enough to affect her life.

Thomasina79 · 29/03/2024 08:58

I can write this now I know she is safe. For all the people saying she is 25 and grown up, which she is of course, a mother never stops worrying. Also don’t forget all the attacks on women and girls think of Sarah Everard and others. Women are attacked in the street, or generally harassed all the time and to ignore someone’s worry about a girl or woman being late home is naive. It should not be so, we all have to right to be safe

5128gap · 29/03/2024 08:59

OP, for your DDs sake, I'd try to work on this. After a tragic event that happened within our family we got locked into the constantly keeping in touch trap that you're in with her, and honestly, from the perspective of the person out and about, it can be very stressful. All sorts of things can block communication, and when one of our family actually left a venue with no signal and kept walking alone to try and find one, which was risky in the area, because they knew a message would be expected...well enough's enough. Not to mention all the social events marred by the distraction of having to send and reply to messages. If I were you, I'd change the expectations on her when she's out to 'message if you're not OK rather than to let me know you are.' You'll get used to it and it will be better for you both.

maudelovesharold · 29/03/2024 09:01

I think it is different when they’re at home. My 19yr old is at uni in a very large city, no doubt often out till the early hours. I don’t have a clue about movements and when they’re back in their halls, who they’re with or what they’re doing (communication with home not a strong point!) I don’t worry at all. When they’re at home, though, and go out, I can’t quite relax till they’re back, or at least have let me know it’s going to be late, or they’re staying over somewhere. I don’t usually instigate contact or need constant communication, but I would expect to know the plan, and they know that. I don’t think it’s any different from any other adult living in your house. I hope someone would wonder where I was if I was unexpectedly out for hours without being in a normal (for me) pattern of contact.

Seaside3 · 29/03/2024 09:21

@JaffaCake70 because I'd tell the same to a friend irl. It's not healthy or practical to expect your 25 year old to be on touch every 2 hours. As demonstrated, it causes unnecessary anxiety when contact is broken.
So, I'd tell a friend to calm down, stop worrying, and trust that they have brought their child up to have fun and behave accordingly when out.
Sometimes 'hand holding' is just compounding behaviour patterns that aren't actually healthy.

potato57 · 29/03/2024 09:27

Have you looked into getting help for anxiety (or perhaps something related, past trauma?) because this level of response isn't healthy. And if you're not careful it will ruin your relationship with her too.

willWillSmithsmith · 29/03/2024 09:35

PuppiesOnTheWay · 29/03/2024 08:32

You can't carry on like this OP.
I was living with my now husband and our 2 year old at your daughters age. I certainly wasn't updating my mother on my whereabouts every couple of hours when I went for a night out!

Daughter lives with her though doesn’t she? Would your mum even have known you were out for the evening if you live with someone else? I worry about my son when he’s coming back here from a night out but I don’t worry about him when he’s back at Uni.