Handhold please dd out and not in touch

[Wherecanshebe]

Please can I have a handhold.

DD is out in London. I last heard from her about two hours ago. She had been to a show with a friend and they went to meet a couple of other friends at a pub.

She's 25. I know it's daft but it's out of character and her phone is off. It's getting late and if she's out of battery she won't be able to get an uber and may be stuck.

She had a bad afternoon and was in tears but we saw each other for an hour and she headed off happily at 6ish.

I see some posters are determined to have a fight no matter what. I didn't realise that in order for ME to make a supportive post I must have EXACTLY the same experience as the OP, but that anyone else who posts attacking the OP is fine whatever their situation. The way this thread has gone proves my point. And now I see why @MotherofGorgons referred to "being an arsehole".

Op I agree with everything you've said. Sadly I think quite a few people just can't understand the complexities of having a child with Autism and other ND conditions, if they don't have a ND dc or loved one themselves.

You asked for a hand hold and some responses were really supportive, but others have just been unnecessarily critical and judgemental. The replies bragging about dc travelling all over the world are just pointless and in no way helpful.

This is the third thread I've read this morning where there's been some kind of pile on the op, I'm logging off now. I totally get your worries op, my dd is autistic too, and having suffered with anxiety and mental health myself as a teen and young adult really empathise

Ok @GoingDownLikeBHS this discussion is going nowhere really. Text all you want, every two hours or every two years.

Except @Ivyy no one knew OP's DD was autistic because she did not say. I do have a DD diagnosed with anxiety, actually.

I think far from being a nest of vipers, MN is actuallly a nest of very anxious people who want to stay that way.,

She has mentioned that, yes...

It is irrelevant though because the OP asked for a handhold because she was worried. That is all she wanted. Just some chat and a bit of support and acknowledgement of the fact she was worried. I'm sure we have all been there and from an outside perspective or in the cold light of day our worries may have seemed over the top. However in that moment when you are worried sometimes you just need a bit of human comfort to take your mind off it. That was all the OP asked for a little bit of support for herself.
No human being should be made to feel like they can't ask for a little support from time to time. What ever happened to empathy.

OP there’s always posters on various threads whose go-to is to say have you seen a therapist about your anxiety, whenever a parent is worried about their child (no matter what their age). I’m pretty sure a lot of them are being more obnoxious than genuinely concerned. Honestly, if I took the advice of posters whenever I was anxious about my kids I’d never be out the therapist’s office!😁. I don’t let on to my kids just how anxious I get but they do know my rules about getting home late and how they’re getting home etc and they are both adults 😁

What do you mean Wow? OP is acknowleging the fact that her daughter has needed a lot of support to get to where she is. It is a fact that her family circumstances have helped her get there. It is also a fact that not every young person has that support at home so yes she may not have recovered so well if she lived in a different sort of home with a different family dynamic. You just have to read a few threads on here to see that many people don't have that and there is an attitude of 18 adult, no more support of any kinds from a fair few people that post regularly on this type of thread.
Are you really unable to understand that.

Why though? It is a fact that not every young person has that support. You can't deny that a different upbringing and family background may well have had a very different outcome.

I read the OP yesterday evening and thought, like many others, that it was a complete overreaction to a 25 year old not being in contact for 2 hours and it seemed odd to me (in the absence of the later information) that there was a regular expectation that the DD would be regularly messaging her DM when on a night out with friends.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with posters pointing that out. Not entirely sure what “handhold” means in this context but assume it’s not just “poor you how awful”. When I’m catastrophising it helps me far more if someone nicely points out that I’m being daft and a bit irrational than just endorsing it.

Life has changed. When I left home I lived in a house with no landline phone. I used to call my mum once a week on a Sunday evening, reversing the charges from the phone in the launderette. 🙂. Never occurred to me to ask if she wondered what I was up to for the rest of the week.

There's of course no requirement for you to have given that information from the outset, but had you done so, the responses would have been completely different.

The vast majority of 25 year olds are not checking in with their parents every 2 hours and are perfectly capable of finding their way round London, even parts they haven't been in before.

Tell it like it is OP! But she did not go to Afghanistan!

I’m sorry you feel we are all cunts but had you given the information about her in the op then people would have reacted differently.

For most NT 25 year olds being out in the evening is nothing. Many of us on here were living independently and indeed parents by that age.

Yes you don’t need to give all details but a bit more context would be helpful.

Edited to add that I am autistic so I understand, in part, where the OP was coming from (albeit the last post was a massive drip feed) but no need to say what she said

I agree. I can't stand this attitude of 'oh but they're high functioning, not like those other awful people'. It's the most damaging type of ableism of all and can come from ND people. I can totally see why people in the autistic community want to get rid of functioning labels. They don't help anyone.

Op, you asked for a hand hold and I would have given you one had I seen this in time. You weren’t asking people what you should do but to reassure you when you felt worried. You can’t help worrying.
As my dc are getting older I am realising how scary it is when they become more independent. I dread mine going out at night and know I will worry about them getting home safe, however old they are. I won’t tell them what to do when they’re adults, but I know you can’t just switch the worry off. I’m glad your daughter is home safe xxx

I know you’ve disappeared OP. It is more worrying when they’re in regular contact.

If it’s any consolation, I phone my DS every evening at 7pm when he’s at uni and I panic every time because I wonder what I’d do if I couldn’t get hold of him. He’s autistic, very sensible and is mostly in his room. I’ve got the number of the emergency welfare team on my desk but I’d probably have to stop myself from phoning them for a couple of hours!

I’m autistic too and hate that I fly into a panic at the slightest thing but it seems impossible to control however much I rationalise the situation.

I guess that a lot of women on here are in their thirties and so are identifying more with your DD than with you. It doesn’t seem to occur to them that one day (sooner than they think) they’ll be in their fifties and they’ll still feel the same worries for their children.

I'm 64. Admittedly I only have a son but I didn't worry to that level when he was in his teens, far less 25.

@Wherecanshebe obviously you didn't explain her health issues initially. But it's not controlling to worry about your daughter.
I kind of assumed you personally weren't familiar with central London and maybe she wasn't either.
I hope she's alright?

I feel bad now, my 22 yr old son often texts me when he's out to let me know he's ok and I'm fast asleep! I do have early starts though.

errrm I travelled around Australia for a year working to earn money along the way, as l went with very little, in the days before mobiles...l was 19 and my parents thought that was great fun (which it was!)
I have late teenagers and wouldn't be worried if they were in London with friends and unreachable for an evening.........
Loosen the strings op, she will be fine..

Those who judged were mostly doing it on the basis of a dripfeed where the 'neurodiversity' was only mentioned in a very late post, and not really flagged up!!

I'm also the parent of an autistic teenager (he doesn't go out on his own, he's severely autistic and has LDs! The one time he vanished on his own we had to call the police...) and I understand the anxiety. But the OP didn't give anywhere near a full picture. If you want handholds and sympathy rather than brickbats then give all the relevant details! And then swearing at the rest of MN before flouncing was uncalled for.

Nearer 50 than 30 - also have an ND 18 year old.

There was an AIBU post months ago with a poster freaking out about their ND daughter dating an older man turned out DD was 25 older man 27. I found it frightening how many posters when ND was mentioned were happy that 25 woman who got a good degree and held a professional job should be controlled by parents about who she could date. But then I was ND and married at 26 to someone I'd been dating 8 years by then - despite my parents worries - still happily married 20 +years later as well.

Op, you don’t need to justify your reasons to anyone. Every relationship is different and as you said, it was out of character hence your concern.

Your daughter is lucky to have such a loving, caring Mum.