BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

[Grumpynan]

Little long winded, so sorry.

little back history, daughter 30 on Easter Saturday, lives with us and her younger sister, moved back home about 18 months ago after a really bad couple of years. Slowly recovered, her health improved and she’s getting her life back and got a new BF about 4 months ago.

last year her birthday was not so good, but made the best of things and tried to make it special for her. About 6 months ago DH and I got talking and decided to book something special this birthday, it is Easter after all, and she’s 30 !. So we booked a lovely cottage in Devon, it’s huge, all her brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of her best friend are coming 12 adults and 6 children !.

so far she knows nothing about it, the plan is for everyone to travel down Friday (tomorrow) and be there when we arrive at lunch time. We will tell her when she gets in from work tonight so she can pack. As far as she’s concerned it’s a quiet Easter as everyone has other plans.

discussed all this with BF a few weeks ago when it was obvious they were getting serious and he will need to be included. Plan with him to arrive tonight to have dinner, bringing his bags with him !.

so this morning he messaged, all good, bags packed and he’s coming straight from work. Wanted to know when everyone would be giving gifts ? I replied probably Saturday morning . He then came back with “ brilliant I’ll try and hold back that long , but I’m so excited I might give her mine tonight 😂 “. I replied, “ sounds intriguing, do I get any clues, or is it a secret? ‘

his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “

what the f*&%

I asked him about the holiday we’ve arranged and the table we’ve booked for Saturday to celebrate, he knew all the arrangements, and seemed happy with them, I’m just totally bemused.

hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t told the family yet, DH is out until 3 so will tell him then. I just don’t know where to go from here .

sit in the corner and cry, shout and scream at him, just go with it. Whatever happens now, it’s ruined as far as I’m concerned. I know that sounds selfish, god knows what my DD will say, do I tell her what’s planned for the weekend or go along with his changes ?

Seriously? Your over the too "Surprise!" is just as dumb. Noone wants that. Especially someone recovering from mh problems

What! Nobody wants to go away to a cottage in Devon over the long weekend with their family?

That makes no sense at all. Of course people want that. The OP's daughter definitely does.

The cottage is for 30 people.....including 2 of her close friends. In a house with a swimming pool, a meal already booked etc. Are you reading a different thread or just selectively ignoring this information and think the poor OP has been dragged to Devon to walk some dogs on her birthday?!

I'd be delighted actually. It was a show she wanted to see with her boyfriend who'd listened to what she had said.
She was still doing presents with the family. Invited family were all close. The only invited friends were two presumably close enough to spend a weekend with the family. I mean it's nice but essentially it's a family holiday not a present as such.

He did not listen! He got it off his brother who's own wife didnt want it, so it was repurposed and framed as a "thoughtful" gift from the BF who then threw a tantrum and ruined the OP's surprise when the DD said no thank you!

When she said no, she didnt know about the weekend away, she didnt want to go away with him!

I know! 'Listened to what she said' my arse.

Imagine your girlfriend's parents arranging a weekend away with your family and your friends and then you saying
'actually I'm taking her to a show my sister in Law refused to go to' being described as thoughtful. It's crazy!

Surprise parties are awful. I think your daughter has dodged a bullet if she goes to London. I can’t imagine being an adult and having no autonomy over what I do with my time. You need to grow up. She’s 30 not 13.

I'd be delighted actually.

Would you?

Perhaps you a bit of a rubbish parent then because most people who have a daughter who is recovering from a MH problem and who have arranged a long weekend in a cottage in Devon for twelve adults and six children, including her boyfriend and her two best friends as a surprise for that daughter and who then had a boyfriend of four months arrange something else for that very weekend therefore putting her in a predicament where she had to choose between a weekend with eighteen people she cares about and him - would be concerned.

And yet when actually presented with the decision she chose the weekend away with her friends and her family and ended the relationship with the boyfriend.

It's almost as if her own mother knows her better than you do.

Try reading the OPs posts, only five of them.

You may then be able to offer a worthwhile opinion!

Tosh

I'd have organised a family getaway because it's her 30th knowing no one else will have done anything and she doesn't have enough friends to do anything herself.
Then she gets a boyfriend who wants to take her for a show she wants to see and a couple of nights in London. Something she doesn't get to do a lot of
That would be 100% fine by me.

( also Op gets a nice weekend away with family so it's not as if DD gas to feel bad she spoilt anything).

I would be more concerned my DD isn't ready to do something fun with the boyfriend actually.

I'd have organised a family getaway because it's her 30th knowing no one else will have done anything and she doesn't have enough friends to do anything herself.

But her friends were going on the weekend away too.

And yet when actually presented with the decision she chose the weekend away with her friends and her family and ended the relationship with the boyfriend.

It's almost as if her own mother knows her better than you do.

The PP point was about being an adult and having autonomy though. DD has got herself a job and a boyfriend. She's 30. Lovely that mummy has organised a family trip but why would the boyfriend NOT think that he should do something too? It sounds more like a family weekend away that coincides with her birthday.

Two of them. So not enough for a party. I wonder if the two friends would have rather have organised their own thing for her if mum hadn't got in first.

The PP point was about being an adult and having autonomy though. DD has got herself a job and a boyfriend. She's 30. Lovely that mummy has organised a family trip but why would the boyfriend NOT think that he should do something too?

Yet the daughter chose the family and friends weekend.

It sounds more like a family weekend away that coincides with her birthday

Whereas his thing coincided with a trip his brother's wife did not want to go on.

You seem to have an odd idea that no one who is related to her could be part of a party for her.

The ageism that you not so subtly telegraph by the insistence that a friends and family weekend away must be less appealing to her is really narrow minded.

I know there are a few people on MN who are utterly floored by the idea of actually enjoying anything with anyone outside of a narrow age band, that some people have awful families and some people find it really difficult to accommodate anyone who isn’t almost exactly like they are. Nevertheless, many people have a much broader mindset and ability to have fun and enjoy the diversity and continuity that having people around of differing generations brings.

Why is the DD choosing the weekend away evidence of he boyfriend getting it wrong? The DD has had mental health issues so has probably made lots of decisions that someone with good mental health wouldn't.

The tickets being "regifted" is neither here or there is it? They came up, he saw an opportunity. If they hadn't he might not of suggested anything else. Who knows.

Oh stop.

It's nothing to do with multi generational holidays and more to do with half the people there are family members she lives with and sees every sodding day.

In fact most if my friends of all ages still do holidays with their parents. They don't live at home with them and their siblings though.

What a thoroughly patronising post!

Shameful!

Two of them. So not enough for a party. I wonder if the two friends would have rather have organised their own thing for her if mum hadn't got in first.

So just because you 'only' have two friends who, when you are thirty, your mother knows well enough to invite for a long weekend that means that you don't have enough mates for a party.

What thirty year old introduces all their friends to their mammy? And what friends pass on their contact details to their friends parents?

@QuillBill well exactly.

Maybe if the Op hadn't organised the holiday the friends and boyfriend might have been able to do something.
But hey, mummy knows best.

You are talking absolute bollocks.

But hey mummy booked this before the ex BF was in the scene!

You keep missing out the ex bit for some odd reason!

Wow. I’ll mention to my DH that anything he or the kids are at can’t be a party

Also, maths (and maybe reasoning in general?) doesn’t appear to be your strong suit. 3 out of 17 is not “half”.

@RawBloomers I was being hyperbolic. It's basically immediate family - parents and sister ( who DD lives with) and the three brothers with their wives.
Yes there's two friends as well but the overall dynamic is family get away weekend. Did you miss the bit where they will babysit so the couples can go out. The DD bit is a meal out. Op says they have all done this holiday together before.

Anyway.

I commented initially because I felt the pile in on the boyfriend was unnecessary. DD would still get all day Friday and Saturday morning with them. A show she wanted and hotel stay is not a terrible gift. He wasn't trying to sabotage anything as he didn't set out to buy it.

I still think that.

It's an ex boyfriend! Keep up!

Someone she's dated for 4 months, then finished with! He's insignificant other than he tried to ruin the original plans.