BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

[Grumpynan]

Little long winded, so sorry.

little back history, daughter 30 on Easter Saturday, lives with us and her younger sister, moved back home about 18 months ago after a really bad couple of years. Slowly recovered, her health improved and she’s getting her life back and got a new BF about 4 months ago.

last year her birthday was not so good, but made the best of things and tried to make it special for her. About 6 months ago DH and I got talking and decided to book something special this birthday, it is Easter after all, and she’s 30 !. So we booked a lovely cottage in Devon, it’s huge, all her brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of her best friend are coming 12 adults and 6 children !.

so far she knows nothing about it, the plan is for everyone to travel down Friday (tomorrow) and be there when we arrive at lunch time. We will tell her when she gets in from work tonight so she can pack. As far as she’s concerned it’s a quiet Easter as everyone has other plans.

discussed all this with BF a few weeks ago when it was obvious they were getting serious and he will need to be included. Plan with him to arrive tonight to have dinner, bringing his bags with him !.

so this morning he messaged, all good, bags packed and he’s coming straight from work. Wanted to know when everyone would be giving gifts ? I replied probably Saturday morning . He then came back with “ brilliant I’ll try and hold back that long , but I’m so excited I might give her mine tonight 😂 “. I replied, “ sounds intriguing, do I get any clues, or is it a secret? ‘

his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “

what the f*&%

I asked him about the holiday we’ve arranged and the table we’ve booked for Saturday to celebrate, he knew all the arrangements, and seemed happy with them, I’m just totally bemused.

hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t told the family yet, DH is out until 3 so will tell him then. I just don’t know where to go from here .

sit in the corner and cry, shout and scream at him, just go with it. Whatever happens now, it’s ruined as far as I’m concerned. I know that sounds selfish, god knows what my DD will say, do I tell her what’s planned for the weekend or go along with his changes ?

I'm glad this has worked out well for you all OP! Well except for DH maybe 😂

That's great. He can go with his brother now.

Wow he sounds like a manipulative controlling bully. I wouldn’t be polite about this at all. I’d say look as you are well aware DD’s birthday celebration is a Friday-Sunday Devon trip with the whole family travelling to spend time with DD, you knew that, I don’t understand why you would book a different event at the same time when you know about the Devon trip, but you will need to change the dates of your London trip.

Tell DD asap about the Devon trip because he’s going to slide in and make it sound like he wasn’t aware of it / was an innocent mistake and will say you guys are don’t like him and are trying to exclude him, but that isn’t what’s happening here.

My worry for you all is he’s the type of man who’s deliberately trying to cause tension between DD and her family. What he has done is very very provocative and he must have known it would cause an argument.

Just to say I applaud your DD for recognising her now ex bf showing his true colours and dumping him! Yes he ruined your surprise but actually long run is a good thing as he really did show his true colours and spiteful nature which your DD is not going to forget so no chance of weaseling back!

I hope you all have a amazing weekend and your DD has a awesome birthday!

Wow what a bellend!

Happy Birthday to your DD!

Have a lovely weekend

He's either very controlling or not very bright. It's a great shame as it will spoil her weekend and cause friction whether she goes with him or not. I think you need to tell him there's been a misunderstanding and he needs to rearrange his dates.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend. Happy Birthday to the lucky daughter of wonderful parents. Can you send me a link to the house in Devon, it sounds amazing ....

If I had a single 30 year old son I'd been sending him down to Devon this weekend. Put up the name of the pub and some mumsnetters with single sons might be down your way.

So glad it’s sorted. Your family sound epic - have a great weekend

Presumably she knows her own daughter likes surprises and her friends and family. I'd have loved someone to throw a surprise trip for me for my 30th!

Woohoo great result!

Please tell your DH that the problems are the men being bellends not his daughters.

What an update! OP, you must be so proud of your daughters (I'm assuming they are both this smart)
Knew he was a wrong'un. Well rid.

Well done to your DD! He sounded like a knob. Hope you have a great weekend celebrating.

I came back today to see had you updated. Oh I am so delighted she kicked him to the kerb. You have raised a sensible daughter. Hope you all have a great weekend.

He sounds like a self-centred, muddling kind of person. Tried to help his brother I guess, at the expense of your family. Glad it's all worked out okay.

Tell your daughter the plan and what her boyfriend has done. Absolutely insane that he ruined your plans after agreeing to them.

Thos is his power move and what your daughter does next will set the tone for their relationship and how he treats her and her family.

It's a shame the surprise was spoiled but so pleased it all worked out

He was a huffy, childish twat.

I hope you all have a fab weekend

What a ridiculous thing to say. You’d hate it?! And would be delighted that your BF had upset your entire family like this? Well maybe OP’s DD actually loves spending time with her family. Surely OP would know this better than you?!

@Grumpynan Hope you all have a wonderful time, and you daughter has a brilliant birthday 🎂 x

Yep he’s a control freak - look out for your DD.

Has he showed any controlling behaviours before..as taking away from family planned event sounds controlling. Said from experience.

Hi if he’s booked with an online platform like booking.com or hotels.com the booking should be possible to amend and he could sell show tickets etc on fb. Lots or room options have free cancellation up to date dependant on choice of room. Then again he could be a total asshole and not done that! He will have to sweet talk hotel direct and change date. They may charge amendment charge but should be possible. What an idiot! What a lovely surprise. I’m sure she knows where her loyalties lie xxx

Exactly this. As sad as it is to spoil the surprise, it saves him pitting you against him and putting your daughter in a very hard position.
Sounds like your daughter needs to be cautious. If he's doing this after four months, how long until he isolates her from you? Will be interesting to see how he reacts and what he says to your daughter when confronted with it all. That is of course, not necessarily what is happening, but worth keeping an eye on.
Or if he is really is just that thick and senseless, is he someone your daughter wants to waste time with, when she can do better? It's sweet, yes, but there were plans in place. He needed to plan around those.

Total gaslighting. If DD allows this, she is setting herself up for coercive control. Help her get free of him now.

Just read the thread properly. Glad it worked out! Hugs to your daughters though. Have a fantastic weekend!!

I would wake up everybody early and leave without the BF. Really I would. Leave him behind.