BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

[Grumpynan]

Little long winded, so sorry.

little back history, daughter 30 on Easter Saturday, lives with us and her younger sister, moved back home about 18 months ago after a really bad couple of years. Slowly recovered, her health improved and she’s getting her life back and got a new BF about 4 months ago.

last year her birthday was not so good, but made the best of things and tried to make it special for her. About 6 months ago DH and I got talking and decided to book something special this birthday, it is Easter after all, and she’s 30 !. So we booked a lovely cottage in Devon, it’s huge, all her brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of her best friend are coming 12 adults and 6 children !.

so far she knows nothing about it, the plan is for everyone to travel down Friday (tomorrow) and be there when we arrive at lunch time. We will tell her when she gets in from work tonight so she can pack. As far as she’s concerned it’s a quiet Easter as everyone has other plans.

discussed all this with BF a few weeks ago when it was obvious they were getting serious and he will need to be included. Plan with him to arrive tonight to have dinner, bringing his bags with him !.

so this morning he messaged, all good, bags packed and he’s coming straight from work. Wanted to know when everyone would be giving gifts ? I replied probably Saturday morning . He then came back with “ brilliant I’ll try and hold back that long , but I’m so excited I might give her mine tonight 😂 “. I replied, “ sounds intriguing, do I get any clues, or is it a secret? ‘

his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “

what the f*&%

I asked him about the holiday we’ve arranged and the table we’ve booked for Saturday to celebrate, he knew all the arrangements, and seemed happy with them, I’m just totally bemused.

hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t told the family yet, DH is out until 3 so will tell him then. I just don’t know where to go from here .

sit in the corner and cry, shout and scream at him, just go with it. Whatever happens now, it’s ruined as far as I’m concerned. I know that sounds selfish, god knows what my DD will say, do I tell her what’s planned for the weekend or go along with his changes ?

I’m glad everything has worked out.

As an aside, without the issue of double booking, I can’t say I’d be upset that my boyfriend has got us second hand tickets for a show and posh hotel in London personally- I’d have been pleased he got a cheap deal for something nice, but perhaps that’s just me!

A couple of posters thought the tone of my proposed earlier message was a little harsh, so how about "Well...that worked out well for you, didn't it, you little shit." 😂😂😂

Delighted by the update.Was raging on your behalf.What a knob he is.Couldn't have worked out better, with the added bonus he showed his true colours by saying he would take someone else then, and your daughter has dumped him.
What a knob.

Great outcome! He can enjoy the show (that no one else wants to see) with his brother 😀

Oh dear sounds like a right twat

Yup, I was completely wrong

He's a twat

So he’s trying to compete with you
here? He sounds like someone I’d keep at arms length. who does that?

What was the show?

Can I just say you sound like fabulous parents and your kids are lucky to have you. So glad it worked itself out without you having to step in - I think your daughters know what a great relationship looks like as they have you and DH to aspire to. I hope you all have a great weekend - it sounds brilliant and I’m sure all your guests are looking forward to it

Just read your update.
Smart Girl!!
Knows her worth and dumped him.. hope you all have a lovely weekend!

Good luck!

This isn’t why you don’t do surprises. You don’t do surprises because you don’t like them. She seems perfectly happy with the weekend away her parents planned, so she does surprises, just not arsehole ones. Nobody does those.

I’ve been thinking the same. Does seem a little ungrateful to be so up in arms. So what if it was second hand? He’s paid for it. I’m not really sure why everyone is congratulating the OP’s daughter for dumping him over it.

I got halfway through the OP and assumed this was going to be a thread about parents controlling their adult children's lives.

Weird how your daughter didn't get any input into how she spent her own birthday.

There's more than one control freak in this story!

Do you know when he planned / booked his “ surprise” ? It does sound like he’s trying to trump your plans. I’d call him out on it and ask him to rebook.

re. The “second hand” gift - If it was any other weekend perhaps she’d have been happy but not when it’s her 30th. She maybe wanted him to put more thought into it and go choose a present with her in mind as opposed to just giving her whats
happened to fall into his path.

And personally I doubt he paid his brother much, if anything at all for it. Maybe a token amount at most.

If he had to pay the proper value for it I bets he would’ve looked at the date and declined to buy it on the basis that it would clash with her families plans

IMO it Makes more sense if he was given it free - that would explain why he was so determined to crack on with it despite it interfering with pre-existing plans .

I wouldn’t have dumped a guy over that alone and I doubt OP’s daughter did either. It was more likely when she found out her boyfriend of 4 months wanted to take her to said event despite knowing her family had arranged something else that done it for her.

He could potentially have put her in an awkward position having to choose between whose celebration to attend. Extremely thoughtless and inconsiderate of him - definitely overstepped the mark.

My goodness, thank god she figured out it was ex BF regifting his brother’s leftovers. Otherwise she might have thought BF had gone to lots of effort and been really torn over which plan to do - and totally mistaken as to his character. Sorry for your DD but she has absolutely dodged a bullet.

Sorry read the update. Personally I wouldn’t be upset by the second hand gifting but the now ex sounds like a bit of a tw?!

He's a jerk for revealing the surprise, even without anything else. Shows a complete lack of respect for the work the OP put into the celebration. Btw for people saying she's in the wrong, I'm sure she knows her daughter well enough to know what she likes !

Only on MN could parents planning a surprise party for their DD be considered controlling.

He came by the tickets and was so convinced that DD would choose to go with him, he booked a hotel - despite being fully aware of OP’s plans. If l was DD l’d have dumped him too, because of his arrogance in putting her in such an awkward situation. He essentially tried to make her choose between something her family had put a lot of planning and effort into, and at considerable cost, for something that fell into his lap at the last minute, with no effort at all. Not only a turn off, but a big red flag.

Exactly. Good on your dd for ending the relationship with him op.

He is a boyfriend of four months.
Either he has a huge cognitive problem or he is a mean chap.

Contact him and ask him to rebook the tickets for the following week. If he loses money you will reimburse him .
Tell him it was out of line of him to spoil the family gift.
If he will not cancel and rebook, uninvite him from the family weekend.

Tell your daughter of the weekend planned as soon as possible.

The fellow is a simpleton or a control freak!

Have a lovely weekend.

OP updated a while ago that DD dumped the boyfriend, so no issues.

Did they check the weather? What six months ago when they booked it?

Great outcome OP, enjoy your weekend away, whatever the weather.