BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

[Grumpynan]

Little long winded, so sorry.

little back history, daughter 30 on Easter Saturday, lives with us and her younger sister, moved back home about 18 months ago after a really bad couple of years. Slowly recovered, her health improved and she’s getting her life back and got a new BF about 4 months ago.

last year her birthday was not so good, but made the best of things and tried to make it special for her. About 6 months ago DH and I got talking and decided to book something special this birthday, it is Easter after all, and she’s 30 !. So we booked a lovely cottage in Devon, it’s huge, all her brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of her best friend are coming 12 adults and 6 children !.

so far she knows nothing about it, the plan is for everyone to travel down Friday (tomorrow) and be there when we arrive at lunch time. We will tell her when she gets in from work tonight so she can pack. As far as she’s concerned it’s a quiet Easter as everyone has other plans.

discussed all this with BF a few weeks ago when it was obvious they were getting serious and he will need to be included. Plan with him to arrive tonight to have dinner, bringing his bags with him !.

so this morning he messaged, all good, bags packed and he’s coming straight from work. Wanted to know when everyone would be giving gifts ? I replied probably Saturday morning . He then came back with “ brilliant I’ll try and hold back that long , but I’m so excited I might give her mine tonight 😂 “. I replied, “ sounds intriguing, do I get any clues, or is it a secret? ‘

his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “

what the f*&%

I asked him about the holiday we’ve arranged and the table we’ve booked for Saturday to celebrate, he knew all the arrangements, and seemed happy with them, I’m just totally bemused.

hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t told the family yet, DH is out until 3 so will tell him then. I just don’t know where to go from here .

sit in the corner and cry, shout and scream at him, just go with it. Whatever happens now, it’s ruined as far as I’m concerned. I know that sounds selfish, god knows what my DD will say, do I tell her what’s planned for the weekend or go along with his changes ?

They’ve only been together 4 months . I can’t imagine staying a whole weekend with someone else’s immediate family in country cottage at that age. It’s not as if it’s a big friends and family bash is it.
He was going down for the Friday / Sat morning. .Surely it’s just normal that he might want to do something special with just her?

This is a red flag for someone who is controlling and distancing her from family. Be honest with her, show her any evidence and hopefully she breaks up with him.

Really?

A boyfriend of four months knowingly wrecking a planned weekend away with multiple family, is not a red flag?

@Noyesnoyes Really.

Sorry to me its an Easter family weekend away rather than an amazing birthday surprise for a grown woman. She lives at home with half of them. If I was the mum I'd be pleased she was given tickets and a hotel to a London show she wanted to see. Lots of tickets are through 3rd party sellers because who wastes unwanted tickets.

Anyway I agree with @crockofshite it doesn't sound likely actually.

She’s already broken up with him.

Please let us know how the weekend turned out, that lads behaviour is bizarre and VERY worrying unless he's a lot simple maybe.

Second hand tickets! Ones that were bought for someone else, so he just used them because they were there? He didn't put any thought into at all.

If you don't believe it, why bother posting? That's just odd.

@Noyesnoyes

My thoughts were the boyfriend hadn't planned anything big because it's only 4 months in. Then the opportunity came up.
Personally if my boyfriend lived at home and his family were taking him to Devon for his birthday I'd assume they hadn't really put much effort into it. It's a nice thing to do ( for everyone) not a "special" 30th surprise. They were going to do the morning in Devon.

Awaits some massive drip feed anyway.

Oh and I posted because of the scenario. Even hypothetically.

Hes only controlling in my book if he bought the tickets himself and set the brother up to pretend they were his originally ( knowing the Ops plans).

Otherwise it's seems perfectly reasonable to use them. Who else would you take but your girlfriend who has a big birthday on that day.

You're still arguing on something to don't even believe happened?

Again odd!

Need a ladder to help with that reach?

I'm not arguing! I'm debating an alternative veiwpoint. People do it all the time

Why is that odd?

What reach?
He got the tickets off his brother because he thought, not unreasonably, it would be more celebratory than a family weekend walking dogs in Devon.
I agree.

Before anyone says well you've said he was trying to be "more" than the Op....I think a show and posh hotel in London are more one off celebratory events then going away for Easter with the people you live with.
It wasn't planned it was taking the opportunity that arose.

It's odd because you don't even believe it happened?

Seriously? Your over the too "Surprise!" is just as dumb. Noone wants that. Especially someone recovering from mh problems

It sounds like your making your own narrative here!

The Easter weekend included extended family and 2 of her close friends not just her parents and sister in what sounds like a amazing house with a swimming pool.

The bf tried to palm off and get credit for something he didn't plan but bought after his brothers wife said no. He also tried to jump in first knowing full well what was planned and turned spiteful when told no thank you to a reused not thought through present. I'm not sure which bit of this your failing to understand.

and yet when the dd cancelled the london present she didnt know about the surprise until then!

how would you feel as the mother of the birthday dd though?
why would he put the dd into this position where she has to choose one over the other?
that is the issue
no drip feed.

What happened?

@Grumpynan where abouts did you find this fabulous sounding cottage? Trying to book something similar. Have a great time.

Well the dd obviously did!

Because arsehole boyfriend told her when she rejected the gift.

They’ve been together four months. OP was rightly furious that he would undermine the plans he knew they had already made. And DD clearly agreed because it was enough to end the relationship.