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Original poster

BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

388 replies

Grumpynan · 28/03/2024 14:15

Little long winded, so sorry.

little back history, daughter 30 on Easter Saturday, lives with us and her younger sister, moved back home about 18 months ago after a really bad couple of years. Slowly recovered, her health improved and she’s getting her life back and got a new BF about 4 months ago.

last year her birthday was not so good, but made the best of things and tried to make it special for her. About 6 months ago DH and I got talking and decided to book something special this birthday, it is Easter after all, and she’s 30 !. So we booked a lovely cottage in Devon, it’s huge, all her brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of her best friend are coming 12 adults and 6 children !.

so far she knows nothing about it, the plan is for everyone to travel down Friday (tomorrow) and be there when we arrive at lunch time. We will tell her when she gets in from work tonight so she can pack. As far as she’s concerned it’s a quiet Easter as everyone has other plans.

discussed all this with BF a few weeks ago when it was obvious they were getting serious and he will need to be included. Plan with him to arrive tonight to have dinner, bringing his bags with him !.

so this morning he messaged, all good, bags packed and he’s coming straight from work. Wanted to know when everyone would be giving gifts ? I replied probably Saturday morning . He then came back with “ brilliant I’ll try and hold back that long , but I’m so excited I might give her mine tonight 😂 “. I replied, “ sounds intriguing, do I get any clues, or is it a secret? ‘

his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “

what the f*&%

I asked him about the holiday we’ve arranged and the table we’ve booked for Saturday to celebrate, he knew all the arrangements, and seemed happy with them, I’m just totally bemused.

hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t told the family yet, DH is out until 3 so will tell him then. I just don’t know where to go from here .

sit in the corner and cry, shout and scream at him, just go with it. Whatever happens now, it’s ruined as far as I’m concerned. I know that sounds selfish, god knows what my DD will say, do I tell her what’s planned for the weekend or go along with his changes ?

OP posts:
Causewerethespecialtwo · 28/03/2024 14:38

Did you tell her boyfriend that his plans were unacceptable and that he needed to change them to another weekend? If not then you need to call him back and make this clear.

Foxblue · 28/03/2024 14:38

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/03/2024 14:32

It's not really sweet though. He's trying to make her choose between her family and him.

I should have clarified, I only suggested that wording so as to smooth over - I think he's an arsehole whose done it deliberately, but the long term goal is that OP is the reasonable one and the boyfriend shows he's a dick, and sometimes that means playing nice when you don't want to. I personally would stick up for my mum in this situation, but many years of observation has shown me that people are capable of twisting themselves in knots to defend a new squeeze, and if OP's DD is someone likely to do that, then blowing up will just serve to drive a wedge.

Londonrach1 · 28/03/2024 14:39

Huge red flag here. Bf wants dd to choose him or her family. I'm sorry but I think you might have to tell dd. What a nasty person her bf is.

Fulshaw · 28/03/2024 14:40

He’s either very controlling or thick as mince.

ScarlettSunset · 28/03/2024 14:42

You're not unreasonable for being upset he has done this.
You are unreasonable though to have booked a big birthday bash for your daughter without telling her. Could it be possible that he told her and she freaked out as she doesn't want that? And asked him to help her get out of it?
Not everyone likes surprise birthday parties.

ChateauMargaux · 28/03/2024 14:42

Dear DD's boyfriend... why do you think DD would want to drive to Devon tomorrow, see her friends and family and then miss out on her birthday meal to spend 5 hours drving to London to see a show, leaving everyone who has gathered to celebrate with her, in Devon. You need to reconsider this illadvised plan of yours and find a different present. Do not ask her to choose between you and her family. It is completely inappropriate.

theescapeladder · 28/03/2024 14:43

I'm going to go against the grain here, but my first thought was that booking a surprise weekend away for a grown up adult is a big no no in my book. There's just too much pressure and expectations. What if your DD doesn't really enjoy big family celebrations?

At her age I would much rather do something spontaneous and cool like going away with my new exciting BF. In fact being stuck in a cottage (did you check the weather forecast?) with family including 6 kids sounds like my idea of hell.

At least at 30 I would like to celebrate in my own way, not according to my parents' plans and ideas.

toomanyy · 28/03/2024 14:44

It’s not ruined yet, don’t throw in the towel and let this twerp have his way.

Get in there first with dd and explain what’s happened.

Pallisers · 28/03/2024 14:45

Tell him sorry but that won't be happening - we have arranged a weekend away with dd, her family and friends and we told you about it. Cancel the tickets or reschedule.

Then tell your daughter the plan.

4 months in - red flags waving waving waving.

Alwaysalwayscold · 28/03/2024 14:45

You need to tell her.

TokyoSushi · 28/03/2024 14:46

Oh my, what a nightmare OP, hope you get it straightened out!

Nousernamesleftatall · 28/03/2024 14:46

Sorry but I would go ape at him. I wouldn’t let him into my home again. Massive, massive red flag.

PBandJ111 · 28/03/2024 14:47

Tell your dd. He’s a twat.

CruellaSeville · 28/03/2024 14:48

theescapeladder · 28/03/2024 14:43

I'm going to go against the grain here, but my first thought was that booking a surprise weekend away for a grown up adult is a big no no in my book. There's just too much pressure and expectations. What if your DD doesn't really enjoy big family celebrations?

At her age I would much rather do something spontaneous and cool like going away with my new exciting BF. In fact being stuck in a cottage (did you check the weather forecast?) with family including 6 kids sounds like my idea of hell.

At least at 30 I would like to celebrate in my own way, not according to my parents' plans and ideas.

The point is not about what the activity is at all. It's about the fact that the OP's daughter's brand new BF thinks it appropriate to ruin 15 people's plans for the weekend and put his GF in the very difficult position on her birthday of basically having to choose between him and her friends and family. A caring, loving person wouldn't do that.

KarateSchnitzel · 28/03/2024 14:49

He's also planning to give her present early so he can get his surprise in before you do.

Original poster
Grumpynan · 28/03/2024 14:50

Thank you for all your replies, I’ve calmed down now.

DH is home, and has suggested we go and pick her up from work at 4.30 when she finishes and take her out for a coffee/drink or something and tell her about the weekend then. BF not due to our until 6.30 won’t see her until then. I don’t believe he will contact her before then, she’s not allowed phones in work and we will be at the door as she comes out.

I’ve decided I don’t like him, which is a shame he seemed ok, but I don’t want her hurt

OP posts:
HummingbirdChandelier · 28/03/2024 14:51

As he knew about the family party and had accepted the invitation, surely he could have organised the exciting weekend away for another date?

this is very awkward for you, @Grumpynan

Pipsquiggle · 28/03/2024 14:51

You or your DH needs to speak to him now. Put him straight. Particularly as businesses will close for the long weekend in a couple of hours.

He needs to rearrange his plans. What a complete, thoughtless dickhead.

At best he's being really thick; at worst, manipulative & controlling.

It will be an awkward conversation but you need to have it. What a twat.

moreoutsidespace · 28/03/2024 14:51

I’d not be happy with this at all OP. I think you need to tell your DD but also tell the b/f he will need to change his plans. He cannot take over like that.

Cbljgdpk · 28/03/2024 14:51

Massive red flag; either he’s a manipulative arsehole or incredibly stupid. Tell your DD but be careful; if he tries to make her choose this may be a way of trying to damage the relationship between you all and isolate her. Don’t put her in a position of choosing; try to take charge and ask him directly to rebook his plans. If he does say it’s up to her say to him that no one is making her choose.

ToxicChristmas · 28/03/2024 14:52

Fulshaw · 28/03/2024 14:40

He’s either very controlling or thick as mince.

This.
I think you've got to ruin the surprise sadly and tell DD. That's the boyfriends fault, not yours.
I feel for her because either way she has to disappoint someone. It's her birthday and she's definitely going to piss someone off and that's really unfair.

Pinkdelight3 · 28/03/2024 14:53

Grumpynan · 28/03/2024 14:50

Thank you for all your replies, I’ve calmed down now.

DH is home, and has suggested we go and pick her up from work at 4.30 when she finishes and take her out for a coffee/drink or something and tell her about the weekend then. BF not due to our until 6.30 won’t see her until then. I don’t believe he will contact her before then, she’s not allowed phones in work and we will be at the door as she comes out.

I’ve decided I don’t like him, which is a shame he seemed ok, but I don’t want her hurt

Do you mean you'll tell her that he's double-booked as well? Because even if he backs down, he's still fucking up your nice surprise by creating a problem where you now have to explain that you've done this lovely thing but her (moronic) BF has done this stupid thing, and that gives her a problem rather than a gift. You can't not tell her about his side of things either because you know about it and it's going to be an issue.

Original poster
Grumpynan · 28/03/2024 14:58

theescapeladder · 28/03/2024 14:43

I'm going to go against the grain here, but my first thought was that booking a surprise weekend away for a grown up adult is a big no no in my book. There's just too much pressure and expectations. What if your DD doesn't really enjoy big family celebrations?

At her age I would much rather do something spontaneous and cool like going away with my new exciting BF. In fact being stuck in a cottage (did you check the weather forecast?) with family including 6 kids sounds like my idea of hell.

At least at 30 I would like to celebrate in my own way, not according to my parents' plans and ideas.

When this was booked they was no thought she would get a partner, and we didn’t want a rerun of the last couple of birthdays.

i know she will love this, she has her own room with bathroom, there’s a swimming pool / huge tv / log fires with her family and friends. There’s a lovely pub down the road so the younger ones can go out and we babysit. Lovely walks for the dogs, it’s right up her street. She couldn’t have coped with it last year, but this year it’s different. We all go away together, but go do our own things as we want, we have gone away together like this before just never at Easter.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 28/03/2024 14:58

Your poor daughter.

One way or another, she's going to feel the centre of a row on her birthday.

I'm so sorry your lovely plans have been spoiled by this idiot.

summersundays · 28/03/2024 14:58

theescapeladder · 28/03/2024 14:43

I'm going to go against the grain here, but my first thought was that booking a surprise weekend away for a grown up adult is a big no no in my book. There's just too much pressure and expectations. What if your DD doesn't really enjoy big family celebrations?

At her age I would much rather do something spontaneous and cool like going away with my new exciting BF. In fact being stuck in a cottage (did you check the weather forecast?) with family including 6 kids sounds like my idea of hell.

At least at 30 I would like to celebrate in my own way, not according to my parents' plans and ideas.

I feel exactly the same, I wouldn't have wanted to go away with my family for my 30th birthday, especially as a surprise, that could be so overwhelming and she could have had something fun and exciting to do with her friends or boyfriend. I think he's got the wrong end of the stick and booked her an exciting weekend away, I'd be sad to have missed out on that chance at 30.

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