BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

[Grumpynan]

Little long winded, so sorry.

little back history, daughter 30 on Easter Saturday, lives with us and her younger sister, moved back home about 18 months ago after a really bad couple of years. Slowly recovered, her health improved and she’s getting her life back and got a new BF about 4 months ago.

last year her birthday was not so good, but made the best of things and tried to make it special for her. About 6 months ago DH and I got talking and decided to book something special this birthday, it is Easter after all, and she’s 30 !. So we booked a lovely cottage in Devon, it’s huge, all her brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of her best friend are coming 12 adults and 6 children !.

so far she knows nothing about it, the plan is for everyone to travel down Friday (tomorrow) and be there when we arrive at lunch time. We will tell her when she gets in from work tonight so she can pack. As far as she’s concerned it’s a quiet Easter as everyone has other plans.

discussed all this with BF a few weeks ago when it was obvious they were getting serious and he will need to be included. Plan with him to arrive tonight to have dinner, bringing his bags with him !.

so this morning he messaged, all good, bags packed and he’s coming straight from work. Wanted to know when everyone would be giving gifts ? I replied probably Saturday morning . He then came back with “ brilliant I’ll try and hold back that long , but I’m so excited I might give her mine tonight 😂 “. I replied, “ sounds intriguing, do I get any clues, or is it a secret? ‘

his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “

what the f*&%

I asked him about the holiday we’ve arranged and the table we’ve booked for Saturday to celebrate, he knew all the arrangements, and seemed happy with them, I’m just totally bemused.

hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t told the family yet, DH is out until 3 so will tell him then. I just don’t know where to go from here .

sit in the corner and cry, shout and scream at him, just go with it. Whatever happens now, it’s ruined as far as I’m concerned. I know that sounds selfish, god knows what my DD will say, do I tell her what’s planned for the weekend or go along with his changes ?

[CruellaSeville]

So this is her BF of 4 months? I'd sit her down right now and tell her exactly what has happened. The fact that he has completely trampled over your longstanding plan for her with all her family is a massive red flag. Who does he think he is?

Do not let him pretend his plan was the plan all along, make it clear that you discussed all this with him and have had this booked with everyone who loves her for months. She deserves to know so she can make an informed about what to do next.

[shoofly]

He is an utter arse, and I'm so sorry this has happened. You'll have to tell her. He has put her and you in an awful position. Red flags all over the place

[MyTravelMugIsForVodkaShhh]

He is absolutely outrageous doing that.

I would be saying a very strong “NO”. The plan - that you agreed with him - is happening.

What an absolute dick.

[Pinkdelight3]

hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼‍♀️

And then you said - no, sorry, we've had this booked and planned already as you knew so you can't do that. You'll have to cancel or postpone for another time. You utter fuckwit.

And he said?

[CruellaSeville]

Oh and the reason I would tell your daughter straight away is so that he can't twist things or pretend he didn't know or that he'd booked his surprise first etc. It all sounds very dodgy.

[waterrat]

God just be clear with him - say, actually no that isn't happening. If you need to =- call your daughter immediately and outline the entire plan you have made for her - and tell her that you informed her boyf a while back so you get in ahead of him.

[MyTravelMugIsForVodkaShhh]

Seriously, OP. This was planned before he was even with you DD. He needs to back right off and get a grip.

I would get straight on the phone to the two friends of DD you have coming too.

I am SO angry on your behalf.

[Wayk]

This is a form of control and trying to out do your trip. Talk to your husband and get your husband to call him.

[titchy]

So he's going to make her choose between him and her family, on her birthday. Red flag - tell her asap, about his 'present' as well.

[TidyDancer]

Is there any chance at all that he didn't realise you were all staying the weekend? He's either the biggest red flag I've seen in a while or dumb as a box of rocks. Either way I'd want to be told if I was your DD!

[waterrat]

Seriously creepy behaviour.

Get in there quick OP and have her packing for devon!

[NotbloodyGivingupYet]

Agree with other pp, time to get everyone onside now. I think you need to tell her now, she needs this information about what a manipulative creep he is.
Outrageous behaviour!

[Overthebow]

Awful behaviour from him. You have to tell your dd now.

[Daffodilsarentfluffy]

Tell dd your plans without him there.. Then tell her he has totally disrespected all of you. He sounds quite unhinged... If dd really wanted to see the show surely you would know that anyway? Doesn't bode well imo .

[Whatkatyforgottodo]

Massive red flag. He’s trying to get her to choose him over you. Tell him he needs to change the dates of his plans and get her friends fully aware of what is going on so that you have their support. It’s a horrible situation that he’s put you in.

[Foxblue]

I would ring him and be honest and say 'this is really sweet, but we booked and paid for you both to come with us all weekend - you'll need to change the ticket dates'
Why on earth would you agree to go along with his changes?? You booked first? I'd do the above and see what he says then decide what you should do. If he's booked a non refundable hotel that's on him.

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

When will you see DD? I'd let her know the plans ASAP, it's still a bit of a surprise. Speak to the friends that are coming too.

[determinedtomakethiswork]

It's not really sweet though. He's trying to make her choose between her family and him.

[Rhoticity]

@Whatkatyforgottodo

Massive red flag. He’s trying to get her to choose him over you. Tell him he needs to change the dates of his plans and get her friends fully aware of what is going on so that you have their support. It’s a horrible situation that he’s put you in.

Lets see what happens with DD before we think red flags, if he comes clean and says he got the wrong end of the stick, and tries to move it then no harm

If he sulks like a baby, then theres the red flag and he is a twat

[Springtime79]

Tell him no. I’m gobsmacked he thinks this is ok!

[MaverickBoon]

That's ludicrous! I would be so annoyed, OP, and I agree with those saying to be very matter of fact about it e.g. I don't know how you've got your wires crossed, BF, but obviously the London trip can't happen this weekend due to the plans that 18 people already have in place hmmkay.

[Whatsnormalhere]

Surely not, I would be really concerned at this sort of behaviour.

You need to reply and say as others have suggested ‘no sorry, we have plans all weekend so that just won’t work, please reschedule and do not put daughter in awkward position. This was an expensive trip’

Let us know how it goes! I would be furious

[MoltenLasagne]

You need to tell him to rebook. The purpose of the weekend was so that DD got to spend lots of time with all her family who loved her, not for her to disappear after a couple of hours. What a complete idiot that man is.

[Megifer]

Agree with others just be firm, remind this little prick that friends etc. have planned it all, sorry he misunderstood the very clear arrangements, you hope he can get a refund etc.

[RoseBucket]

I’d be on the phone to him setting out my thoughts ! I’d be very worried about his intentions.