BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

[Grumpynan]

Little long winded, so sorry.

little back history, daughter 30 on Easter Saturday, lives with us and her younger sister, moved back home about 18 months ago after a really bad couple of years. Slowly recovered, her health improved and she’s getting her life back and got a new BF about 4 months ago.

last year her birthday was not so good, but made the best of things and tried to make it special for her. About 6 months ago DH and I got talking and decided to book something special this birthday, it is Easter after all, and she’s 30 !. So we booked a lovely cottage in Devon, it’s huge, all her brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of her best friend are coming 12 adults and 6 children !.

so far she knows nothing about it, the plan is for everyone to travel down Friday (tomorrow) and be there when we arrive at lunch time. We will tell her when she gets in from work tonight so she can pack. As far as she’s concerned it’s a quiet Easter as everyone has other plans.

discussed all this with BF a few weeks ago when it was obvious they were getting serious and he will need to be included. Plan with him to arrive tonight to have dinner, bringing his bags with him !.

so this morning he messaged, all good, bags packed and he’s coming straight from work. Wanted to know when everyone would be giving gifts ? I replied probably Saturday morning . He then came back with “ brilliant I’ll try and hold back that long , but I’m so excited I might give her mine tonight 😂 “. I replied, “ sounds intriguing, do I get any clues, or is it a secret? ‘

his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “

what the f*&%

I asked him about the holiday we’ve arranged and the table we’ve booked for Saturday to celebrate, he knew all the arrangements, and seemed happy with them, I’m just totally bemused.

hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t told the family yet, DH is out until 3 so will tell him then. I just don’t know where to go from here .

sit in the corner and cry, shout and scream at him, just go with it. Whatever happens now, it’s ruined as far as I’m concerned. I know that sounds selfish, god knows what my DD will say, do I tell her what’s planned for the weekend or go along with his changes ?

The bf is giving me big red flags. Why would anyone do what he has done? Multiple other people have set aside time and money for this weekend. I actually think your DD should know, because it's really odd and rude behaviour on his part.

JFC I got the rage just reading that. Either he is really really stupid or a manipulative arsehole.

Totally agree, also splashing so much cash 4 months in is a red flag.

I think the OP knows her own daughter.

Loving parents concerned about their adult child's welfare!!!

Did you miss the bit about her having a shit couple of years??

What is actually wrong with some of you people!??

Didn't mean it to come across as aggressive, just non-negotiable and assertive @Okokokokokplease. He has already been reminded of the plans for Saturday night and has ignored @Grumpynan 's polite reminder of those plans, so he is clearly a wrong 'un. He needs telling, straight or he will continue to trample all over this lovely family.

This is incredibly strange. I don't even think it's possible to misunderstand that this is a surprise present of a holiday, which requires the recipient to actually go on the holiday for more than 12 hours.

I'd have ended up replying that I didn't understand how his plans fit in, to make him explain his logic.

OP, you probably won't see this but be careful. Part of the manipulation may well be to cause a row and to portray you as the big bad family who are controlling HER.

Really weird as to what this guy's up to. Sadly think he needs to be uninvited from the time away and told in no uncertain terms that he is not upsetting everyone else's prearranged plans.
As your daughter has had a tough few years and is recovering to some extent she could be 'vulnerable' and maybe not made the best choice of boyfriend.
Really hope you get this sorted - sounds like your daughter really needs this special time with you all.

I really really hope your daughter and the rest of the family are still able to enjoy your weekend. It sounds like she deserves it!

What an idiot. maybe because he wants some time alone with your daughter over her birthday he thinks you should ‘share’ the weekend with her. And that a 1 day appearance in Devon is reasonable. But a boyfriend of 4 months is not equal to 18 of her closest friends and family members! AND your plans had already been arranged. Completely selfish.

I don’t know if it’s better or worse that he happened to tell you in advance rather than after she knew about your trip or Saturday morning when she was already in Devon!

I'm also SO angry for you!!

It's absolutely outrageous and at just four months too!

It's as if he's really enjoying completely ruining a lovely and very expensive weekend for the whole of his GF's family.

It's bordering on psychotic behaviour IMO and is a massive red flag - he's trying to assert his dominance and create a big wedge between your DD and her family right at the start of the relationship.

Your DD needs to run for the hills...

Agree with this.

I hope the conversation went calmly and smoothly and she can actually see what he's done here: undermined her family and friends who were planning to celebrate her in a way they knew she'd love, in spite of being included despite being new to the scene here.

I think your plan sounds lovely but I do think it’s a bit odd to invite a bf of only 4 months, especially when the rest of the people are family and long term friends.

What he’s done is a very shitty thing to do but I wonder if it’s his way of getting out of it because most people would feel uncomfortable about spending the weekend with a partners family who they’ve only been with for 4 months.

I would speak to him and ask him to arrange his plans for the following weekend as there’s no way your DD would be happy leaving her family and friends when they’ve made so much effort to go there for her bday.

I wonder if this ^ might be the case too.

I'd have to say my idea of hell would be to discover that I had to spend a surprise weekend on my birthday away from home and with all my "... brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of [my] best friend ... 12 adults and 6 children !" I really couldn't imagine anything worse...

Of course the DD might like nothing more than that - or perhaps she'd rather see the show she's been dying to see in London...

Yes the BF seems to have been a complete dickhead but perhaps the DD's already in on it. Who knows.

This is the problem with planning big surprises for adults. You don't know how they'll react to it unless you tell them beforehand...

I’m seriously questioning his motives. Is he trying to swoop in claim he organised the whole thing or trying to outdo you or cut her off from her family? Either way it’s a dick move and if my dh had done something like this when my dm had organised a lovely surprise I’d have been furious with him.

What a cock

If he hasn’t misunderstood the plans this is a huge red flag for control OP. Tell him he’ll have to change his plans because he was clearly told you had this planned. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

I can't really get past him brushing off the celebration meal on Saturday by saying "It's ok, I have it all planned, she won't be there." Like, what?

So basically he didn’t want to go on the surprise trip with all of her family and friends, so he has thrown a spanner in the works to get out of it early.

I would love your plan OP, and would have at 30 too. Family time is precious. If my DH tried to upset a plan my DM had made, let alone a BF of only a few months, I'd be furious. I hope you're able to find a solution and have a lovely weekend still.

So everyone who has planned and paid for this wonderful surprise for your dd - he expects to sit there for half the weekend without her?!

He's either completely clueless or has a superiority complex
What an idiot to even put her in this position - it's horrible
Great idea with the show and hotel but completely wrong dates - why would he want her to miss out on such a lovely weekend - do his plan another time so she has 2 special weekends, not 1 stressed out one

He needs to change it

You know her best - see how she takes the news of the family plan. If she loves it all, you need to tell him to change it

I agree with the pp who suggested he has informed you of his plans very recently to make you panic (and rightly so, you've planned such a lovely weekend for your daughter) and cause a row/rift between you and dd. My ex was always spoiling birthdays, when I look back he was doing it right from the start and gradually tried to pull me away from all my (very close) family ad friends. He's borderline psychopath in my opinion, incredibly controlling and even now, 5 yes after I fled DV with our children, continues to drag me through court simply to exert control over our lives.
Going back, I wish my family/friends had helped me see without doubt that he was unhinged. Would have saved so much heartache. Hold firm with your plans and tell him sorry but no.

I also can't tell if he is stupid or evil. What did you say to him?!

Well I think its a lovely thing that you are doing OP, you know your daughter better than anyone else and you know that she will love this surprise. I'm unsure why others are protecting their opinions about how they wouldn't like this, you don't need the explain and justify it!

As for the boyfriend, if he had booked something unknowingly before you mentioned the trip, if he was a decent person he would have changed the dates at that point. The fact he thinks it's perfectly fine to whisk her away from a trip you have had planned for months is completely disrespectful, or he's as thick as 2 short planks.

He's put your daughter in a horrible situation , and at 4 months they can't really be that serious either

This is the epitome of why surprise parties for adults are not a good idea.

But that aside, the boyfriend's behaviour is terrible.

Being generous, he was just childish and inconsiderate and doesn't have sufficient foresight to understand that he has spoiled a surprise; put his girlfriend in an awkward situation; and potentially ruined the plans of 18 people! He thinks this grand gesture is a welcome way to show that he cares about your daughter just as much as her family, and that it has to be near/on her birthday because he's childish.

At worst, he's forcing your daughters hand and being territorial over her.

Now you'll have to tell your daughter and he's already destroyed the whole surprise element.

But just be warned, if she perceives he's well-meaning and you're being mean to him, she could take his side and go off with him.