BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

[Grumpynan]

Little long winded, so sorry.

little back history, daughter 30 on Easter Saturday, lives with us and her younger sister, moved back home about 18 months ago after a really bad couple of years. Slowly recovered, her health improved and she’s getting her life back and got a new BF about 4 months ago.

last year her birthday was not so good, but made the best of things and tried to make it special for her. About 6 months ago DH and I got talking and decided to book something special this birthday, it is Easter after all, and she’s 30 !. So we booked a lovely cottage in Devon, it’s huge, all her brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of her best friend are coming 12 adults and 6 children !.

so far she knows nothing about it, the plan is for everyone to travel down Friday (tomorrow) and be there when we arrive at lunch time. We will tell her when she gets in from work tonight so she can pack. As far as she’s concerned it’s a quiet Easter as everyone has other plans.

discussed all this with BF a few weeks ago when it was obvious they were getting serious and he will need to be included. Plan with him to arrive tonight to have dinner, bringing his bags with him !.

so this morning he messaged, all good, bags packed and he’s coming straight from work. Wanted to know when everyone would be giving gifts ? I replied probably Saturday morning . He then came back with “ brilliant I’ll try and hold back that long , but I’m so excited I might give her mine tonight 😂 “. I replied, “ sounds intriguing, do I get any clues, or is it a secret? ‘

his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “

what the f*&%

I asked him about the holiday we’ve arranged and the table we’ve booked for Saturday to celebrate, he knew all the arrangements, and seemed happy with them, I’m just totally bemused.

hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t told the family yet, DH is out until 3 so will tell him then. I just don’t know where to go from here .

sit in the corner and cry, shout and scream at him, just go with it. Whatever happens now, it’s ruined as far as I’m concerned. I know that sounds selfish, god knows what my DD will say, do I tell her what’s planned for the weekend or go along with his changes ?

yep, do this

I am so sorry this has happened. I got a chill reading your post. How controlling of BF to do that. No matter what way this goes this will sour your daughter’s big birthday. I am hoping she picks her family and friends and kicks him to the kerb. Do let us know how you get on.

He is being an arse! I think he must have known and know you will be upset about his plans .I would message him and explain you have family arriving .I would not expect she will be happy about the plans anyway. It sounds like he is trying to take over to me

I'd ring, tell him it has been booked as a weekend to celebrate birthday since before they got together. Ask him if he's considered that he will really upset DD when he gives her the tickets as he'll be asking her to choose between spending the weekend you've had planned for her or his present and strongly suggest he tries to move his booking to another time so DD doesn't get upset.

It’s actually very concerning.

Oh great, so instead of getting to do both, she now only gets to do one…. Because of him

Actually yes, do this. Plead with him to change the dates first, before spoiling your daughter's surprise. This could salvage the whole thing if he's just a complete cretin, rather than malicious.

gosh don't plead. Tell DD what's happened and let her choose.
But you would not be UR to be cross if she picks his tickets.

Whoa, massive red flag alert from the boyfriend! He knew what you had planned but is trying to outdo you with the London trip. Clearly he doesn't give a shit about ingratiating himself to her family. I'm so glad you're going to tell her!

So instead of two lovely weekends away, he’s spoilt everything. She’s going to have FOMO, whichever option she chooses.

As others have said, he's either asserting control over her or he's as thick as mince. Neither is good.

Massive red flags from him!!!! He thinks he is more important than her family and can control what she does. If its not that then hes just a complete idiot who is stupidly unaware of anything around him

He's being a twat, a boundary stomping one at that. If this was my boyfriend and think he was a twat who had deliberately upset my plans.

Has anything else he's done think he may be trying to isolate her from her family because this a move designed to make her choose between you.

I didn't say plead. Giving him benefit of the doubt he's just thick, ask him if he's considered that his plan will actually upset her. Phrase it from her POV rather than instantly calling him a controlling dickhead. He will be asking her to leave everyone if she wants to see them.

100% this

TELL the BF to rebook this now as he’s NOT entitled to trample over plans in the diary for longer than she’s even known his name.

tell him too that for him to have done this without any thought for her, her friends and family is a seriously dick move

Yes your daughter could have been on a wonderful family trip away and still have another fab weekend to look forward too.

He’s being an arse. Why has he chosen to ruin her surprise? If she’s anything like me, she’ll tell him sorry, I’m staying with my family/friends. What an idiot.

That's a lovely trip you've got planned. The Bf is well out of order , I'd see it as a red flag. He's marking his territory and pissing all over yours.

I am confused how it could be left like this. He must be thick as mince or there is some misunderstanding.
OP why do you think this has happened? Does the BF not understand the extent of the plans? Does he think your DD would enjoy his present more? Had he already had it booked and thought they could do both? Has your DD and him made the plans together?
We need an update on how this progresses! I hope it all works out for your DD and she gets the birthday she would enjoy the most.

I don’t understand why he would do that. If it was a power move / marking territory then why would he tell you.. surely he would want to spring it on everyone so you didn’t have a chance to react before DD knew.

Maybe he just is really thick and hasn’t quite grasped the concept that everyone will be there for her birthday.. expect her.

Unless he told her about your surprise and she said ugh, get me out of it!

Or he is just a bit thick.

He is either thick or a total dickhead, neither bodes well for their relationship unfortunately.

Just read your other post about the DD and BF drinking your birthday wine. I remember reading this a few weeks ago. Based on that post I don’t think they are going to care what is planned with family and probably do what they want! 😟

I hope your dd has a lovely birthday weekend...sounds amazing with her extended family and good friends.

Awful.

It's my birthday Saturday too. Although not 30 (I wish!)