BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

[Grumpynan]

Little long winded, so sorry.

little back history, daughter 30 on Easter Saturday, lives with us and her younger sister, moved back home about 18 months ago after a really bad couple of years. Slowly recovered, her health improved and she’s getting her life back and got a new BF about 4 months ago.

last year her birthday was not so good, but made the best of things and tried to make it special for her. About 6 months ago DH and I got talking and decided to book something special this birthday, it is Easter after all, and she’s 30 !. So we booked a lovely cottage in Devon, it’s huge, all her brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of her best friend are coming 12 adults and 6 children !.

so far she knows nothing about it, the plan is for everyone to travel down Friday (tomorrow) and be there when we arrive at lunch time. We will tell her when she gets in from work tonight so she can pack. As far as she’s concerned it’s a quiet Easter as everyone has other plans.

discussed all this with BF a few weeks ago when it was obvious they were getting serious and he will need to be included. Plan with him to arrive tonight to have dinner, bringing his bags with him !.

so this morning he messaged, all good, bags packed and he’s coming straight from work. Wanted to know when everyone would be giving gifts ? I replied probably Saturday morning . He then came back with “ brilliant I’ll try and hold back that long , but I’m so excited I might give her mine tonight 😂 “. I replied, “ sounds intriguing, do I get any clues, or is it a secret? ‘

his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “

what the f*&%

I asked him about the holiday we’ve arranged and the table we’ve booked for Saturday to celebrate, he knew all the arrangements, and seemed happy with them, I’m just totally bemused.

hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t told the family yet, DH is out until 3 so will tell him then. I just don’t know where to go from here .

sit in the corner and cry, shout and scream at him, just go with it. Whatever happens now, it’s ruined as far as I’m concerned. I know that sounds selfish, god knows what my DD will say, do I tell her what’s planned for the weekend or go along with his changes ?

His plan is just as much 'booking a surprise weekend away for a grown up' as theirs though and she didn't even have a boyfriend when they planned it so there's no way for that option to have been considered.

I also think that the pressure and expectations on her to leave the family and friends trip and go off on a separate birthday 'weekend within a weekend' would be much harder to handle.

I think you and husband need to speak to BF first and persuade to change the date. If you tell your daughter first it will ruin her birthday because if the dilemma.

It does sound controlling. And if it's not he has not handled it well at all.
You have had this booked 6 months. Her best friends are coming.
But you only told him a few weeks ago....is it possible he already had the show tickets? He should have said when you first told him.

How far are you travelling to Devon? Travelling down Friday, arriving lunch time. 24 hours there....and then he is planning on 48hrs in London? That would be a two night stay? Is he possibly just thinking quick overnight in London?

But you also have to tell her idiot BF that he needs to re-arrange. Give him as much notice as poss, like NOW so that he can re-sell ticket and give notice on the hotel booking, re-arrange and surprise her with the new arrangement.

Important that she doesn’t feel piggy in the middle. No one wants that for their b’day.

Thing is it’s also 2 of her best mates, so a lot of people who know the DD really well. She’s going to have family and mates there who have all planned this around celebrating with her. You’d have to realllllly dislike your family/friends to not love this. And the DD has chosen not to make any plans herself. So sounds like she’s going to love this!

Hmm. Could he have just got over excited and carried away with his plans and booked this with good intentions? Devon to London will take hours so obviously he's not really thought it through logistically, but unless you think he has some nefarious agenda it seems a bit of a leap to think he's intentionally trampling on your plans and trying to take her away from family.

I also think sitting her down after work and telling her what's happened is really unnecessary. Why would you put a dampener on her birthday? I get you're disappointed but it's not really about you. Can't you just go with the flow and let his plan happen? So she'll travel down and see family, have a lovely Friday evening at the cottage, then the BF will bring out his London surprise tomorrow (if it's a show she wants to see, she'll likely be delighted). Can't the rest of the family have a nice weekend away when she's gone to London?

I think you need to take back the control here, as her family. This ‘boyfriend of 4 months’ is nothing and he needs putting back in his place.

‘Im sorry, but you’ll need to rearrange it for another weekend. This has all been booked and rearranged and to split the weekend isn’t possible.’

I’m not sure I’d involve her at this point, it’s putting her in a really awkward position and could prevent her from being able to really relax and enjoy her time. But that depends on what she’s like.

Don’t like him steamroller like this! I’d be livid!!

I think you need to take back the control here, as her family. This ‘boyfriend of 4 months’ is nothing and he needs putting back in his place.

He shouldn’t have booked knowing there were conflicting plans, but the talk of putting him in his place and taking back control… WTF? No one should be being controlling here.

Tell her your plans. His behaviour is a major red flag.

The DD has to know at some point - and sooner is better in any case, because there's no worse feeling than thinking nobody has planned anything for your birthday (or - obviously - mentioned it to you!). The surprise is often spoilt by feeling hard done by in advance!

I'm in team 'tell her now, tell her when it was booked, that newby bf KNEW and has crashed right through it.

I would have messaged him back to say that obviously can't happen. We've booked the holiday for her.

No, he shouldn’t have done. To quote another poster ‘who does he think he is?!’ It’s 4 months- it’s not fair or appropriate that he’s dominating this existing plan with his ott ideas for the weekend! So yes, the family need to take back the reins and assert themselves here! The plans have been made, he will need to rearrange.

What are the friends supposed to do? Only stay one night, stay when their friend has left?

That’s actually infuriating. And as others have said, a giant waving red flag.

Yes agreed. She's a 30 year old woman and he is presumably a 30ish year old man – you sound way overinvolved in her relationship. Yes, he's been disorganised but I really don't get the strength of feeling tbh. Just see it as he's got her an added birthday bonus

Agree with this.
I'd speak to DD before BF whips in, and be prepared to evidence that he knew of your booking in advance.

I'm assuming that they're friends with the wider family if they're involved in the plan, so I don't see why everyone else can't just make the most of a weekend in the cottage.

He thinks he’s her boyfriend! Which he is.

What if the DD doesn’t want to go on the holiday - would you insist the family “take back control” then, and make her?

Uhm... Did you miss the part of the OP which quotes the BF saying that he booked tickets for the show DD wants to see?

And the part where @Grumpynan admits that DD is in for a quiet Easter as far as she knows? She doesn't know about the cottage plans so perhaps going to London for a show is what SHE wants?

I think the issue here is that no matter how good the intentions are, pushing a big birthday bash on an unsuspecting adult is taking a huge risk.

What a knob

What did he say when you said about the table that is booked for the meal Saturday evening ?

This is obviously the type of celebrations your DD will enjoy, you know her best.

4 months in he shouldn't be changing plans you've made. He is either dense or sly

Good grief. If my parents interfered to this level it would a one-way ticket to telling them to fuck off and running off with the boyfriend.

Presumably her family and friends think the world of dd. And dd of them if you planned such a trip believing she will have a great time. A bf of 4 months is nowt but a cf imo. A chancer.. And a moody one I bet.

Obviously not, but it’s all surprises for her, so that’s moot, unless they tell her and she says what she wants to do. But it’s massively unfair on the family.

4 months is hardly any time at all, this is really bizarre of him to plough on right through with this when her family have planned a big event of their own- that he’s known about! Many couples haven’t even told friends and family they’re together yet in that time, presents for birthdays are usually small/modest- not one of the couple ploughing on through and trampling over a pre arranged surprise weekend away.

That's madness!
It's a crazy thing to do given the plans that were in place.
I can't fathom what he was thinking.

@theescapeladder don't you think the family who have been supporting her through tough times are likely to know her better than the new BF?