To doubt he's actually 'sick' again in time for our Easter plans?

[Celia24]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months but meetings haven't been as frequent as I'd like because he was finishing a PhD. Sometimes we'd skip a weekend because he'd need to keep his head down.

Another weekend he was sick so we rescheduled. We've seen each other more lately although last weekend the night before we were due to meet he said he had a migraine. He didn't cancel although I half expected him to.

We then planned to meet at Easter because neither of us could meet last weekend (both on trips with friends/family).

When I broached the subject of our plans this weekend, he said he was ill and didn't want to pass it to me but would see how he feels and let me know. Yet before I mentioned our plans he was sending daily photos of nights out and walks he was on every day, with no mention of illness. I feel paranoid which isn't me at all!

I have the whole weekend off and feel sad that I'll 1) I might not see him and 2) be alone the whole time because I turned down other plans.

Actually what is hugely insulting is dismissing input of people who are describing the experience of people known to them. Both the individuals I referenced are diagnosed ( no self diagnosis involved whatsoever) and have struggled with people misunderstanding their need for withdrawal at times from social situations. The fact they can “ understand the requirements” of a phd thesis - and, in fact, are fully aware of the way they can can come across - does nothing to detract from the fact that they continue to find that downtime from social interaction necessary. Both of them have been wonderful spouses with richly intellectual and interesting personalities and real loyalty. If people had written them off because they sometimes declined an invitation it would have been a great pity; but thankfully they have friends a little more tolerant and interested to learn about and accept the nuances of others. I’m not sure what makes you think you can dismiss other prople’s experience just because you’re “ tired of reading it”

Oh dear. If he was really into you he would be desperate to see you, the first couple of years is supposed to be all about bonding.

@Wagonwheelforme I love Chris Packham - need to look up that doc.

This is it. A lot of people with ASD can be dedicated and kind people but can have traits that are difficult to deal with in a relationship. And they don't ask to be that way. I really rate Chris. He's a good egg, from a member of the public point of view!

Wow thats a hell of a lot for a 4 month relationship

I'm sorry, I don't want to be nasty. But I am frustrated. You are playing the "pick me" dance, and he doesn't even have another woman.

ASD is NOT an excuse. And even if it is a reason, it's up to him to discuss it with you and not have you randomly making allowances that may or may not be necessary.

Great that you're going to ring fence your Sunday. But you certainly didn't say that in your original post so it sounded to me that actually, you would just be available whenever he clicks his fingers.

Hmm sounds like he’s not into you and he’s waiting for you to end it

Please don’t be alone t his Easter if that’s not what you want, just because he’s let you down. Go back to your other plans. And yeah if it feels bad, OP, it’s not good. Sounds a bit like hard work and disappointment, or just mismatched needs/agendas.

Agree he doesn't sound like he is all that interested. I'd try and make alternative plans for the weekend and then, if he does say he can in fact make it, say that you weren't going to risk having nothing to do.

Oh, this is the guy that wanted to cancel the date as it was forecast to rain? From memory he and OP live in Scotland 🤦

I remember that thread. First he wanted to cancel a date due to rain (I mean, come on) and now he is suddenly ill despite sending photos of fun activities he has been doing. Only when you ask him to meet, does he mention that he is actually ill and might not be able to meet. It is all a bit odd to be honest.

Jeez....how very GENEROUS of him..

''Monday. Maybe, if you are very very lucky , I might be feeling well enough -after all, I suffer with ASD which makes me unique!
Because of my delicate and friable nature, my needs need to be met.
^^
I may have a headache on Sunday , or feel tired, so I'm not promising anything.
I'll see how I feel, and if I'm up to it.'' &c

Dump him. Waste of time

And in January after not seeing him for 4 weeks when they were first dating, she declared they were in love (even though he was always banging on about his ex wife, that he didn't want to split with) and were wanting to try for a baby

How many times total have you seen him in person?

Why are you not taking on board any of the advice from women who have been there that it really is as simple as he's just not that in to you?! It's actually uncomfortable to read how in denial you seem to be.

How many times have you actually met up in person? Gone on an actual date? Met his friends/family?

This isn't going to end well for you I'm afraid. Don't let yourself get any more hurt.

Yeah - he’s great. I’m a big fan. Just glad I’m not married to him! 😂

I had a four year relationship and how I felt sounds a lot like your posts OP. Looking back, I now know that he is ND but at the time I had no clue.

He had such an interesting mind and he was so intelligent, I was smitten but my needs were not met even by half. It probably wasn't his fault but he was so self centred, I barely featured.

I spent four years trying to make it work and we split up many times. We should have stayed split up because gradually resentment crept in and the whole relationship was just various resentments. A PP put it perfectly earlier. I wanted more, he felt overwhelmed.

We would separate, he would reset and think he could cope and quickly it became evident he couldn't when we got back together.

I was young and stupid and became obsessed with making a silk purse out of a sows ear and it took my Mum getting ill and dying to make me see him for what he was. He was actually cold hearted and when I stayed home to care for my Mum, he gave me an ultimatum. To go to see him or stay away forever. I chose the latter and he didn't even send me a card when Mum died.

All of this was thirty odd years ago and we are old now. He is still alone.

@DrDavidStarKey thank you for sharing this.

Was it David Starkey?! 😂

I think there is much to think about in this post OP. Fwiw, on balance ( and we can only surmise because we haven’t met him), my instinct would be that it’s just who he is that is driving his behaviour, as opposed to a lack of interest per se.

However, that doesn’t remove the necessity for you to evaluate carefully how that behaviour would ( realistically) affect you. This poster sounds to have had a brush with someone who was fascinating but very cold. I know similar individuals only very loyal and loving, albeit they can withdraw at times. Nonetheless, and notwithstanding the strength of their relationships, their spouses have still needed to find ways to grapple with the quirks and you need to decide if it’s for you. One spouse is a really resourceful and interesting type in her own right and, without being too outing, has pursued a number of projects of her own that she can retreat to when he goes “ down his tunnel.” They are actually a very inspiring couple on many fronts. It isn’t for everyone though.

I think making your own Easter plans is ideal: if he turns out to be a non starter or completely disinterested ( and he may) you haven’t thrown too much at it; but even if there is a relationship to be had, the sooner the better that you start finding the ways that make his quirks work for you. It’s your life too.

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter WHY he’s behaving as he is (ASD might explain the behaviour but doesn’t make it ok). If your needs aren’t being met you need to let go. Do you want children? Can you seriously imagine this man being a great father, considering how overwhelmed he seems to get with normal life that he needs 3 days alone to recover? The first year of a relationship is usually the best it’s going to get…is this honestly the best you think you deserve?

Arf! You are right I think. He was fundamentally cold.

OP you need to put yourself first. I was hanging on in the hope that he would improve but I think he spent so much time trying to mask and appear NT that it exhausted him. He had unpleasant traits too though, some of them borderline psychopathic. He would bail on me all the time but try and stop me seeing my family and friends too. When he gave me the ultimatum but my Mum was dying, there was a switch that flicked inside me and I was finally free. He realised he had overstepped but inside me, it was as if he had never existed.

I hadn't realised how I had downgraded my own needs until I left him.

Yes thanks for sharing your story @DrDavidStarKey - I'm glad you were able to put yourself first in the end. And sorry about your mum.

Although my guy can be very practical and matter of fact, he's also warm and loving. Very affectionate. It's early days.

In any case we're meeting on Sunday now. I said let's meet Monday then and he said 'Or Sunday if you'd prefer it?'. He definitely tests me at times!

@Calliopespa thanks again for your insights. I've had messages from a few posters that have given me food for thought.

Women are already the easy caretakers of the two sexes and will be more willing to sacrifice their own needs. I need to watch that as I'm young and don't want to make it a habit.

I'm going to leave the thread there now. Have a nice Easter everyone, thanks for the replies.

Have a great Easter and enjoy Monday!

He is not into you - move on !

He is not that into you. He is quite effectively building a situation in which you do nothing but make excuses for his poor behaviour and forgive every mistake because “it’s perfect” when you’re together. Nothing is “perfect” especially when this is how you feel on a regular basis when you’re not together, which is actually quite a lot in your brief interaction so far.

This bigger problem is your willingness to prioritise the possibility of seeing him over other plans. After this amount of time you should still really be at the i-can’t-wait-to-see-you phase. If you were both slacking off other plans to be in a romantic bubble that’s one thing - but he is clearly able to have other social engagements in the time you’re apart. So, ND or not, he is still just not that into you and not treating you very well. Being manipulative and a user and being ND are not mutually exclusive but one can be a very handy excuse for the other…

You need to look out for yourself more. If someone invited you out this weekend, the thing to say to him was “are we going to meet on x day? if not let me know as I’ll go and meet my friend”. Then do it. If he says you will meet and then flakes knowing you could have made other plans, it’s an even bigger 🚩 he doesn’t respect you or your time.

FGS don’t start facilitating this obviously crap treatment after a few weeks. He is NOT the one. Probably a lesson you’ll have to learn by yourself, but it would save you time and heartache to take your focus off him and put it on yourself. Raise your expectations. Ensure you have a robust social life and network which he can fit into but which provides you with support and fun whatever your relationship status.

PS If you know someone and you are saying “but” a lot about things they do in the early weeks of a relationship it’s just a huge 🚩 “but he is ill”, “but he is tired”, “but he is working”, “but he is ND”, “but he is so nice when we are together”, “but he messages every day”. Do you see where I’m going with this?!
It’s a totally different relationship from “and he messages every day”, “and it’s amazing when we are together”, “and he makes me feel so safe and loved”, “and he always takes the time to include me”…