To doubt he's actually 'sick' again in time for our Easter plans?

[Celia24]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months but meetings haven't been as frequent as I'd like because he was finishing a PhD. Sometimes we'd skip a weekend because he'd need to keep his head down.

Another weekend he was sick so we rescheduled. We've seen each other more lately although last weekend the night before we were due to meet he said he had a migraine. He didn't cancel although I half expected him to.

We then planned to meet at Easter because neither of us could meet last weekend (both on trips with friends/family).

When I broached the subject of our plans this weekend, he said he was ill and didn't want to pass it to me but would see how he feels and let me know. Yet before I mentioned our plans he was sending daily photos of nights out and walks he was on every day, with no mention of illness. I feel paranoid which isn't me at all!

I have the whole weekend off and feel sad that I'll 1) I might not see him and 2) be alone the whole time because I turned down other plans.

Are you very young? Because quite honestly, this sounds like the relationship most women have when they're young. The man who genuinely enjoys their company, finds them attractive, wants to spend time with them etc... but is never ever going to actually commit to a relationship for some completely spurious reason that he most likely will never admit to (you're not "cool" enough, you're not popular enough, you're not rich enough, you're not smart enough, your accent is weird ... it could be anything and of course, it's always nothing).

You are, at best, a big ego boost for them.

You should have some self respect. If someone told me we'd plan Easter together I'd be angry if they just said, "oh, Im' not sure, let's see" at this point and would probably dump them from my life.

I’m not sure the bit about understanding the requirements of a thesis so he must be able to fathom his feelings is necessarily a useful way of approaching an individual with autism. I know a couple of high functioning autistic adults ( very high functioning) who are extremely good at understanding such requirements or, indeed, absorbing any complex material. They also understand social interactions but just find them tiring- even though they do enjoy them. It’s as if they operate naturally in their conceptual gear as comfort zone and have to make an effort to operate in the social zone. It just isn’t their cruising altitude. My cleaning lady is at cruising altitude in her social gear: she chatters on and on ( and on) constantly. “What did you think about this? I’ll tell you, did I mention …” I guarantee she doesn’t have such stamina reading her insurance policy etc. We all just have different comfort zones of cruising altitude and whichever isn’t your natural one requires effort. But while that doesn’t necessarily mean he “ isn’t that into you” OP, it does impact on what the relationship may look like if he isn’t being put under constant discomfort to operate out of comfort zone, which you need to think about. But I’m not sure it’s fair to tie it to his level of interest or affection.

Sex and the city series, ages ago

Fuck sake. Join Bumble, you’ll find another date for the weekend. You’re flogging a very dead horse here.

Four months in, should be the loved up honeymoon period, but it isn’t is it?You’ve given it a go, but I think you know deep down it isn’t going anywhere.

time to cut your losses and call it a day, you are the girlfriend he keeps next to his umbrella for when he thinks it might rain.

I guarantee this 'relationship' is a complete waste of time, and he doesn't feel how you do, OP.

Henry VIII changed the faith of an entire country for the woman he wanted. Paris brought about the destruction of Troy for the same reason.

This what men do when they want a woman. When they want you, you never doubt their intentions (because they are obvious), and they don't throw sickies.

And of course he's nice when he's with you. You wouldn't tolerate his flakiness otherwise, would you?

Maybe he is worn out from socialising and you don't quite get that? Ease off a bit, you don't have to see each other every weekend! Let him come to you

Agree with this

Tbf changing the nation’s religion is easier when you are a Tudor king; and the destruction of Troy is quite an ask for an exhausted PhD student who potentially does have a cold/flu.

I think one of the great things about autistic individuals is they tend NOT to play manipulative games. And that sounds more like the issue to me: far from game-playing, he’s not trying to butter you up by seeing you even when he can’t be bothered.

If he’s ill, then there is nothing to stop you making other plans. You can then tell him not to worry and take the time to recover as you have now made plans. If he’s genuinely ill, he will be relieved and if he isn’t, it might make him think about his priorities.

Regardless of the explanation for this weekend imagine a life with this man. You have a screaming toddler and a new baby and are exhausted from lack of sleep. He decides he needs quiet time and checks out for the weekend for his mental health. Is this really a man who you can rely on to share the ups and downs of family life? It is all going to be about his needs, not yours.

Exactly. It’s the kindest plan to you both OP. For whatever reason - because he’s genuinely in bed ill, or because he gets social fatigue and doesn’t want to be disappointing company and knows how to protect his mental health, or because he’s a manipulative tosser who is stringing you along- he doesn’t want to see you and the best response in any of those scenarios is to make your own fun this time.

But I’d hold off making execution orders on the relationship until you discover what makes him tick a bit more.

This reminds me of a documentary about Chris Packham.

iic it was about his ASD. It was really interesting.

There was one scene where he was with his long term partner and he’d dismissed something or decided to just cancel their plans for some minor reason.

she just looked so worn out by it all. She loved him, he loved her. But the relationship was clearly hard work for her. It was the weary disappointment on her face I remember - not what was actually said.

I remember watching it and thinking that it reminded me of my relationship with my ExH.
in hindsight, he was ND and it was a massive factor in our break up. Obviously that doesn’t mean an ND person can’t have a successful relationship, but I think it makes navigating problems More difficult.

I'm ND and I very much need time on my own after socialising and to decompress etc etc. My DH is an extrovert and more needy than me which can cause clashes. Currently our babysitter has fallen through and we are arguing over who is still going to go out (we had two tickets for something) he says I should go because I had a hard week, I say he should go because I had a hard week 😂 just shows our different perspectives, I am not particularly keen to go out because I need to decompress.

Anyway, at 4 months into our relationship we only spend weekends together and I wouldn't have missed one for being ill/tired. I would have wanted to decompress and watch a movie/chill with him. The fact you didn't see him last weekend and won't for ages if you don't this weekend suggests his need for space is extreme and won't work. People are usually more tolerant and want to spend more time in a new relationship even if they are introvert and ND so this will only get worse. Only reason I can think is under the weather is code for violent diarrhoea 😂.

Calliopespa, I was quite clear but if you want to bolster the OP then, on you go. Read the title of her thread again and see if that ultra long paragraph you typed is in any way relevant to her hypothesis.

Personally I'm tired of reading posters banging on about neuro-diversity and autism, interchanging them as they like, when they know nothing about it having merely diagnosed themselves to 'win' an argument. Really, just stop it. It's hugely insulting to people who do suffer from these conditions and have been diagnosed accordingly.

Hey all - he's come back saying let's meet Monday at the latest, if not Sunday. So he's clearly thought about it now.

I think I'm realizing that these are the kinds of challenges he was thinking about when he sat me down and told me about his ASD. We haven't talked about it.

I need to take some time and reflect anyway on how I feel and what I want going forward. Thanks for all the replies.

You can say it isn't working for you and wish him a happy life.

He's talking about meeting his parents to keep you strung along while he doesn't give you what you need in the relationship.

Four months in - it shouldn't be such hard work.

My first impression, I must admit

I'm on the fence now.

On the one hand, out of all my big relationships, it was bang on with the ones that were properly into me. Fun, addictive, saw each other loads. The hard work one was hard work the whole way through and I should have paid attention and jumped.

However. I have an autistic son who is utterly shit at maintaining friendships, so I can see how this could well be him one day. He wouldn't see why it was important to meet up, when he's happy doing his own thing. He wouldn't make up a story though. He'd just ignore you until he had no choice. I am trying to teach him though.

Excellent advice.

oooh, aren't you lucky. He will make time for you on Monday. Maybe Sunday.

I hope you're keeping your WHOLE weekend free in case he is suddenly available?

Seriously OP, are you really this desperate? When will this decision be taken? Are you just to sit around in limbo before then? What if a friend calls you tonight to suggest doing something on easter sunday? Do you say no in CASE he's available? What about Monday? Obviously you can't plan anything because he's vague. what if on Monday he just wants to meet for a quick drink? And you've been sitting around all weekend.

When I see those SM posts saying, "what do you wish you could convince your younger self of" I almost always think, "Believe that if a man isn't willing to actually be with you, he's not worth any of your time at all. Take it all, or nothing."

He’ not that into you, he’s flaky, make plans with your friends for Easter.

@Triffid1 no, I'm going to say let's make it Monday and make other plans otherwise. I won't sit in limbo.

Honestly these posts saying are you desperate are pretty nasty - the answer is no.