Not wanting my older children to constantly ask to hold the baby

[Hhaaaa]

I am prepared to be told IABU, I just need to know how to gauge the situation.

I had a baby on Friday and my 3 children are constantly asking to hold her, one more than the other two.

I'm breastfeeding her and its a case of feeding and then trying to get her to sleep in repetition. I'm currently very sleep deprived.

I will make an effort for them to hold her at least once a day, but it's like a timer of her being unsettled and wanting to feed again. Then the other child wanting to hold her, then the other child.

They are starting to say things like I've only held her once today, and that line is pissing me off. She is not a doll. I have to tell them to not touch her face and to be gentle.

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable and if I should just force myself to let them hold her more, but my instinct is wanting me to not let them hold her at all.

She is too young and doesn't do anything, she wants to feed and sleep and will have occasion waking periods of quietness but its not when they want to hold her.

Today, one of them got the chance to hold her, they come home from school around 4:30pm. But now after the feeding and crying, I just want her to settle. I cant be bothered to do the pass the parcel until she starts crying again and they look at me for help.

The oldest one, my 14 year old son is almost obsessed with holding her. He was going on about it before she was born and was constantly asking if he would be allowed to hold her. I would say of course but he would still be asking again. Today he didn't get to hold her and now he is sulking. He doesn't care that she is settled and it can take me literally hours to get her in that state again.

I want them to be included and to have a bond but I need to ride out these first few weeks or I'm going to lose my mind. I havent slept more than a few hours in days.

I have spoken to them saying that its not going to last forever, be patient. I've been telling them about how she is going to love them when she's bigger and run to them when they come home from school. But for now, be patient.

Just keep reminding them that baby needs sleep to grow and stroking etc will wake her. Maybe give them another idea such as rock her or sing to her? It's always tempting to tough a sleeping baby same as it is to stroke a sleeping dog even as an adult but we know better

Definitely relevant IMO. As there can be a feeling of disconnect if the baby has a different father. If the 14 Yr old is already feeling left out due to being from another father then it may be fuelling their need to be involved. Also could speak to the relationship with new man in mum's life.

Are people missing the bit about the 14 year old disturbing the baby when they are settled and then op having to work to settle them all over again??

how is that fair?!

YANBU op

What an awful response. Just because OP is finding it tough managing her DCs' requests and baby during a time of sleep deprivation does not mean she 'doesn't like them very much.'

Surely you don't/didn't let your own DC do every single thing they want(ed) to do regardless if it was inconvenient?

I was 9 when my younger brother was born, I remember being the proud big sister showing him off at school at a few days old, I probably prodded and poked him and woke him up just so I could hold him. He was the most loved baby, he had 3 much older siblings who looked after him and took him places. Those bonds in the 1st few days built great sibling relationships.

I'm still the proud big sister but he's now 6ft4 and towers over me.

At 12 and 26 I had a baby brothers who were breast fed and who I learnt to burp and settle - just teach him how to do it and be gentle etc, use the opportunity to educate him on neck posture, on winding and why important and even how to change her all with supervision. Its lovely he wants to to be honest. Its no wonder parents today are inexperienced and lacking with childcare

Can they not do nappy changes, a bath, hold her while you shower? I was doing all these at 10 with a newborn.

I've had a newborn, in fact I've been in both positions. I've been the 10 year old caring for a newborn sibling and then that, then 11 year old, sibling helped care for my newborn.

Most teens and almost teens should be able to figure out how to care for a baby (except for breastfeeding) as well as a first time adult parent. They just need to be given a chance.

YABU let them hold their sister. How would you feel if they lose interest because you’re putting up barriers jt would be such a shame. I get you’re knackered but part of being a mum is putting your kids needs first and prioritising the current children and offering extra attention etc is part of the job when you have a newborn.

This, your older kids can learn to settle the baby and change nappies.

It’s better for you that baby learns to settle with someone who doesn’t smell of milk and have breasts.

Are you still with your baby’s father? Because he / his family needs to be there to support you, you have just given birth and need time to rest. It’s ridiculous that you seem to be doing everything alone, no wonder you are exhausted.

I think it's amazing that you've got a teenager who is so thrilled at becoming a big brother again. Channel their enthusiasm so the siblings learn to soothe and settle baby when she cries. They also need to learn to let sleeping babies sleep. How much are they helping in general to do things like making you a brew / snack, putting a wash on etc. Frame it as helping their new sister :-)
Also, you're just home and trying to get into a routine with your new baby. And sleep deprived. Probably sore and everything too. Give yourself grace to be a bit grumpy and to need time to rest and sleep.

You sound tired and frustrated..which is normal: you have a newborn. But I think you need to change your expectations. You are used to having babies when your other children werep toddlers or very small children, but this time it’s different. This baby is the 4th, born into a family where there are 3 older siblings, all (except maybe the 8yo) capable of caring for her, even if she is BF. I think you should allow the older ones to look after her a bit! Teach them, or let them develop techniques for settling her sometimes. I have the same ages as you but a couple of years down the line and I bf for a v long time. My children were great with their baby, rocking her, playing with her, calming her down.

Well if they aren't able to bond with their new sibling she will be unsettled. . My DS was 6 weeks before his 3rd birthday when DD was born he held her and kissed her (not on the lips might I add) multiple times a day. He also used to sit with me while I breastfeed fed and read him book after book. So he had that bonding time he might not have had if he was older.

actually someone commented on page 4… “you’re a horrible mother” someone else mentioned the same comment I was referring to.

It has since been deleted by mumsnet.

My point is unless you currently have a newborn you are out of the fog and quickly forget how stressful it is. I still think a lot of the comments aren’t constructive advice and are a little bit mum bashing.

”You should be grateful”

”Do you even like your other children”

”The golden child has arrived”

Someone even went as far as to say why I don’t get why you would have a 4 child… like wtf. Should she put her back?

How is this helpful to a new mum? Who is clearly sleep deprived?

I am all for a gentle reminder, but I am totally against keyboard warriors.

Completely agree, many of the responses here are complete rubbish and actually quite nasty. It’s a perfectly normal response to not want everyone to handle your newborn, look at any other mammal and they tend to get very annoyed if you come anywhere near their newborns. I’m also a mum of 5 so have been through introducing siblings enough times. There is no need for older kids to be so involved in caring for the newborn, they will have their own children one day and get to experience that. By all means you appreciate their interest right from the pregnancy, nurture the bond and reassure them of your love for them, of course but it’s not their right to hold baby whenever they like. I personally don’t think it’s healthy to be giving them the impression their wanting to hold the baby is more important than anything else, setting these boundaries (sensitively) has never been an issue for my children. It’s about teaching them the new sibling is an individual and not just there for their fulfilment. I’ve never had them changing nappies etc or talked negatively about baby (e.g. saying babies smelly etc as see in some books to try and make it seem like baby isn’t perfect) Funnily enough they have still developed the most beautiful caring and close relationships with each other. I’ve even heard people who were very involved in their siblings care as a baby say it took some of the wonder from their experience when they became parents as they had already done all that

I agree with this. Let them understand helping, also means the cleaning, tidying, chores. Surely you wash? Have a bath- let them deal with baby. I get why you are nervous, but unless there’s more to this, the other children are too rough/you don’t trust them. I can’t see the harm.

It shouldn’t be whenever it suits the children though, you get to choose.

Why will the baby be scared of being held by a gentle family member? I have 3 children, 5 grandchildren and a great grandchild and I have never heard such a silly comment about a baby!

Why can't they hold her whilst she is asleep and have a cuddle and a chance to bond with their new little sister?

TBH - it does sound to me a bit odd that you dont want your children to hold your 4th child. What happened with the other 3 and holding etc? Are you ok with other people holding her?

Hope you are ok, sending lots of love and strength to you xx

Agree.

I also have five DCs.

There's plenty of time for everyone to get to know and love the baby. And they will - no child needs to "bond" with their newborn sibling at five days or all is lost.

At five days post partum, all the OP needs - and sorry, but her needs are all that matters here - is a chance to let the baby settle and sleep, and not to have to play bloody referee among kids who are too old for the malarkey she is describing.

The older children are seriously stressing the OP here, and she needs to put her foot down.

I am sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. I breastfed and wouldn’t dream of not letting siblings hold the baby. It does however sound to me as though you are finding the transition challenging and I wonder if you might allow your children to help support a little along with your partner if they are there or family or friends. They aren’t trying to be a nuisance, they are trying to engage with their new sibling and, if it were me, I would be keen to support that.

look at any other mammal and they tend to get very annoyed if you come anywhere near their newborns

Any other mammal will also eat their newborns under certain circumstances, so let's not use hold them up as a some sort of comparison.

@GotMooMilk

what about OP’s needs?
do they not count
She sounds exhausted
holding the baby is ok, but the kids are actively disturbing the baby and disrupting baby’s sleep in order to elicit a response, and then op is having to work to settle baby again. How exactly is that ok? Surely a 14 year old is more than capable enough to know that’s not ok

A voice of reason!!

who could argue with this common sense,??

My older children don’t help me care/parent my newborn. My pre-teen has never changed a nappy (I know you didn’t suggest this but other posters have) and unless he actively wanted to then this isn’t something I’d encourage. He is not the parent. My older children may fetch a nappy, play with LO, hold them for a little while (if they want to) etc but all of the caring/parenting is done me and DH. My older children are allowed to be children.

Infact Most people I know who helped basically raise their younger siblings resented it.

Part of being a child is learning how to do grown up things, at their own pace and with support. If the children are wanting to be involved then they should be allowed to help as far as they are able.

I gave my sister her first ever bath. I changed nappies, I made up formula. When she started school I did the home reading with her. I resent or regret none of it, it was my choice. We are very close now as adults.