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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting my older children to constantly ask to hold the baby

304 replies

Hhaaaa · 27/03/2024 21:08

I am prepared to be told IABU, I just need to know how to gauge the situation.

I had a baby on Friday and my 3 children are constantly asking to hold her, one more than the other two.

I'm breastfeeding her and its a case of feeding and then trying to get her to sleep in repetition. I'm currently very sleep deprived.

I will make an effort for them to hold her at least once a day, but it's like a timer of her being unsettled and wanting to feed again. Then the other child wanting to hold her, then the other child.

They are starting to say things like I've only held her once today, and that line is pissing me off. She is not a doll. I have to tell them to not touch her face and to be gentle.

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable and if I should just force myself to let them hold her more, but my instinct is wanting me to not let them hold her at all.

She is too young and doesn't do anything, she wants to feed and sleep and will have occasion waking periods of quietness but its not when they want to hold her.

Today, one of them got the chance to hold her, they come home from school around 4:30pm. But now after the feeding and crying, I just want her to settle. I cant be bothered to do the pass the parcel until she starts crying again and they look at me for help.

The oldest one, my 14 year old son is almost obsessed with holding her. He was going on about it before she was born and was constantly asking if he would be allowed to hold her. I would say of course but he would still be asking again. Today he didn't get to hold her and now he is sulking. He doesn't care that she is settled and it can take me literally hours to get her in that state again.

I want them to be included and to have a bond but I need to ride out these first few weeks or I'm going to lose my mind. I havent slept more than a few hours in days.

I have spoken to them saying that its not going to last forever, be patient. I've been telling them about how she is going to love them when she's bigger and run to them when they come home from school. But for now, be patient.

OP posts:
Thefutureisourownpath · 03/04/2024 12:20

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 27/03/2024 21:15

I think it’s absolutely lovely a 14 yr old lad wants to look after his baby sister.

This.

Simple rule: if I’m feeding her please just watch or leave us

But absolutely yes. Mine was 7 and part of the reason they love each other so much was the nurturing bond we had.

When baby is 2 you will be loving him to take her baby outside to play!

Ihavenoclu · 03/04/2024 12:20

Gosh, my 7 year old loved to hold the baby and I thought it was great. I could drink a cuppa,
do a quick tidy, get the dinner on.

Make the most of it

QuizNight · 03/04/2024 13:25

Hhaaaa · 27/03/2024 21:08

I am prepared to be told IABU, I just need to know how to gauge the situation.

I had a baby on Friday and my 3 children are constantly asking to hold her, one more than the other two.

I'm breastfeeding her and its a case of feeding and then trying to get her to sleep in repetition. I'm currently very sleep deprived.

I will make an effort for them to hold her at least once a day, but it's like a timer of her being unsettled and wanting to feed again. Then the other child wanting to hold her, then the other child.

They are starting to say things like I've only held her once today, and that line is pissing me off. She is not a doll. I have to tell them to not touch her face and to be gentle.

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable and if I should just force myself to let them hold her more, but my instinct is wanting me to not let them hold her at all.

She is too young and doesn't do anything, she wants to feed and sleep and will have occasion waking periods of quietness but its not when they want to hold her.

Today, one of them got the chance to hold her, they come home from school around 4:30pm. But now after the feeding and crying, I just want her to settle. I cant be bothered to do the pass the parcel until she starts crying again and they look at me for help.

The oldest one, my 14 year old son is almost obsessed with holding her. He was going on about it before she was born and was constantly asking if he would be allowed to hold her. I would say of course but he would still be asking again. Today he didn't get to hold her and now he is sulking. He doesn't care that she is settled and it can take me literally hours to get her in that state again.

I want them to be included and to have a bond but I need to ride out these first few weeks or I'm going to lose my mind. I havent slept more than a few hours in days.

I have spoken to them saying that its not going to last forever, be patient. I've been telling them about how she is going to love them when she's bigger and run to them when they come home from school. But for now, be patient.

Weird question but are your other 3 children your own children or step children?

It sounds as if, 1) you don’t really like them and 2) this is your first baby.

If they are yours, it’s not the first time you’ve been in this situation. What did you do when you had child 2 and 3? Did the older ones hold the newest baby then?

Edit: I’ve just seen where you answered those questions elsewhere. I’m glad you’re finding things a bit easier now.

wingingit1987 · 03/04/2024 13:26

Mum of 5 here- YABU but it’s your hormones talking. I go through this every time I have a new baby. Let them hold her- this is a new wee person Who will be a part of their childhood and day to day life. It’s someone they will know and love forever. Of course they will be obsessed with holding her.

Mumwithbaggage · 03/04/2024 13:29

Mine were 7, 8 and 10 when their baby sister was born. I loved the fact I could have a shower, nap, go to the loo... Kids are now 20, 27,28,30 and they all have such a fabulous bond with her. It's lovely.

AquaDuck · 03/04/2024 13:38

I tell them if they ask or moan that they haven't held , I won't let them. If they don't ask, and I let them, they get rather excited 😆 so they ask less

Doteycat · 03/04/2024 13:50

Completely unreasonable.

Kissmystarfish · 03/04/2024 13:50

This is incredible they want to be so involved!!!

gosh some people would be dreaming about this and you’re pushing it away.

I think YABU personally.

Kissmystarfish · 03/04/2024 13:54

Hhaaaa · 27/03/2024 23:14

Its only pissing me off when they complain that they didn't hold the baby enough times that day for long enough. I dont vocalise that its pissing me off.

It is lovely to see them so happy when they are holding the baby but when the baby starts to cry I have to resettle, which I have been doing and then letting the next one hold the baby. She will only settle on the breast atm, so that is not something they can help with. And it's like a timer, if she doesn't sleep after a feed then she will have a small moment of not fussing before she fusses and wants the breast again.

So if I'm really tired and had enough and don't want to be in the cycle. If I see that she's had a good feed and she will sleep so I can nap, then I dont want them disturbing that.

She won't sleep on them, she will sleep on the breast or swaddled in a moses basket. They fight for the same amount of time as the other one got. I cant imagine some of these suggestions if I'm honest and think some people have forgotten the v.early days. To think that some people wouldn't ask to hold and just take and cuddle, like how wouldn't that happen when the baby has finally settled from a cluster feed session.

Right now, she hasn't slept properly since early afternoon I have been cluster feeding, nappy changing and rocking. I have not slept more than a few hours in days and I'm not exaggerating, I want to cry.

I understood about the bonding so I will grit my teeth and let them hold her more.

I mean if you really don’t agree with the posters or know that whatever they say nothing will change or you just carry on thinking the same way. There’s no reason for posting?

im seeing a huge influx of am I being unreasonable? Yes you are. No I’m not. I was always not unreasonable. Can’t believe you think I am!

so on and so on

grennleaves · 03/04/2024 13:56

I think to need to start having other things to worry about in your life...

Kissmystarfish · 03/04/2024 13:56

Hhaaaa · 29/03/2024 15:22

Hi so its been 2 days since I posted this and baby is a bit more settled.

I'm unsure where the conspiracy of different mums different dads came from. You don't need to be part of a blended family for there to be issues. These are all my children with the same dad.

It does feel like the 1st time again. I had 3 vaginal births and this one was an emergency c-section. It was quite traumatic. I only stayed in the hospital for one night and when I went home I realised it was too early. I was still in so much pain and the bed was too soft to sleep on and get up from. I really should've stayed in the hospital.

I ended up sleeping in the sitting room with the moses basket until the night I posted this. The sofa was easier to move from.

Now the pain is less I'm back in the bedroom and the baby is more settled. When she is sleeping in my arms I have called the children over and they have held her until she wakes, which is about 30 min in the day time. I think they are appreciating how stuck you are with a newborn sleeping and when you can't move. They haven't been asking to hold her.

I obviously wrote this post as I knew my feelings were slightly unreasonable but I wasn't sure how or if I was being way ott.

Some of these replies though are strange, she is too young for an untrained sibling to bath her or change her nappy.

When my 8 year old was born the boys would ask to hold her, hold her and then go and watch Mr Bean or play with the Wii, or didn't feel this intense.

I hope that has answered some of the questions and assumptions.

You don’t think your 14 ye old is responsible enough to change a nappy? My 11 year old does it all the time for our friends!

she wants to be a midwife so they all let her

Emotionalsupportviper · 03/04/2024 14:06

FrogsWormsandCaterpillars · 27/03/2024 21:10

I genuinely can’t believe that a 14 year old needs to ask permission to hold his baby sister.
My then 10 year old held her baby sister more than I did I’m sure!

If baby was bottle fed, then fine - let them take turns feeding her, teach them to burp her, settle her to sleep.

But baby is breast fed. This can be exhausting for Mam, especially in the early days when she could be feeding every couple of hours, day and night. OP is at the end of her tether, physically. She has had a baby, is feeding a baby, and I'll bet she's doing almost everything else for the entire family, too - washing, cooking, cleaning.

I'll bet none of the others says -"You sit with the baby, Mam. I'll clean the bathroom."

When the baby has a better sleep/feeding pattern it will be different.

(FWIW a friend and her husband adopted a baby when their three kids were teens, and she said the best thing to have in the house with a small baby is a teenage boy. Her DD thought the baby boring. Both of her lads were entranced and fed the baby, rocked to sleep etc. Wouldn't touch a nappy, though 😄 but she said she wouldn't want them to anyway as she didn't think it was appropriate or fair. Just handed baby over with "God, that STINKS!"

Obviously baby was bottle fed which made everything easier.

Phoenixfire1988 · 03/04/2024 14:48

YABU My 13 yo son was a god send he would hold baby while I got tea done , load of washing in or just went to the toilet I also breast feed .
It's good for baby's to be held they literally don't know they are a seperate person from you for around 12 weeks so if the 14 yo wants to sit and snuggle his sister let him

LadeOde · 03/04/2024 15:15

Eni to lori, ko ni fila. Eni to ni fila, ko lori. Sad.

Victoria3010 · 03/04/2024 16:21

I get it's so tough with a newborn, if I were you I'd train them to do stuff, yes you can not only hold her but also get the treat of changing her nappy! They'll learn some good life skills from this too, get them to learn how to rock her and comfort her if she cries, how to change a nappy etc. He'll turn into a fab dad when he's grown up. At 14 he should be responsible enough that you could maybe get a sling and see if they can wear her asleep which might mean she stays settled for longer.... Could you also express at some point (maybe not yet for supply) and then they can feed her too...

Emotionalsupportviper · 03/04/2024 16:30

Phoenixfire1988 · 03/04/2024 14:48

YABU My 13 yo son was a god send he would hold baby while I got tea done , load of washing in or just went to the toilet I also breast feed .
It's good for baby's to be held they literally don't know they are a seperate person from you for around 12 weeks so if the 14 yo wants to sit and snuggle his sister let him

But then the other two also want equal time -they fight over it. It's not always practical, and anyway separating constantly bickering children is exhausting in itself.

BrutusMcDogface · 03/04/2024 17:04

You are sooooooo unreasonable.

BrutusMcDogface · 03/04/2024 17:07

Oh. I’ve just read your posts @Hhaaaa and I’m sorry I posted so hastily. Glad things are settling. My three older kids loved holding their brother when he was born, and they have the very best bond with him. They all adore him and spoil him rotten. Enjoy your new addition 😊

4kids2cats · 03/04/2024 17:09

When I was a baby I was very unsettled and colicky and my 16 year old brother used to carry me about and settle me for my mum to let her get on with other things or rest. We have a lovely bond as a result. I think this could be really special for the baby and her big brother!

mathanxiety · 03/04/2024 17:10

Ihavenoclu · 03/04/2024 12:20

Gosh, my 7 year old loved to hold the baby and I thought it was great. I could drink a cuppa,
do a quick tidy, get the dinner on.

Make the most of it

She's recovering from a traumatic birth /CS and trying to get a breastfed baby settled so she can spend a few minutes inside her own head in peace.

I highly doubt she has the energy for any quick tidying or getting the dinner on.

The older children should be doing what needs to be done around the house and letting their mother rest and recover. Instead they're bickering and adding to her stress.

People saying holding the baby is great practice for when they're grown up are missing the point that what this woman needs is to rest, and this is what the baby needs too.

They're also spectacularly missing the point that there's nothing more capable or grown up than tackling the chores around the house competently to give someone else a break or just to - you know - behave with a modicum of consideration for a women recovering from major abdominal surgery.

The two older kids in particular should be set to work. This is how they'll develop habits that will stand to them when they're adults.

Rubyphoebetina · 04/04/2024 08:30

No you’re the AH. Why can’t they just cuddle the baby while she sleeps? Really don’t understand what your issue is!

R00 · 04/04/2024 10:19

You are not being unreasonable your feelings are completely valid. It sounds like you have been doing brilliantly. Just keep having open conversations with your other children about how baby mostly needs mum at that age and encourage them to help in other ways. It sounds like you have some trauma around the birth so I would recommend seeking someone to talk to/process this with, you can get post natal support so maybe speak to your midwife about it. I hope you get more sleep. I can recommend lots of winding before bed it really helps. Gently pressing babies knees to their belly during a nappy change and rocking them side to side then stretching them out again until all the farts are out! It has been a game changer for my third.

Highlandcows · 04/04/2024 15:42

When my youngest was born, my 3 older children were 11, 9, and 7.
they were obsessed by the baby and would bicker over who was next to have a hold.
it didn’t enter my head to limit the amount of holds or cuddles any of them could have.
my eldest especially was fantastic and would often hold the baby so I could go to the toilet or have a quick shower.
I can only imagine how pushed out they’d have felt if I kept baby to myself and only had set times and limits on when they could hold.
I breastfed too, but baby would happily settle for a little sleep on whoever was holding and then just wake when hungry. Wasn’t an issue, I then took over to feed, and was happy to hand over for cuddles again afterwards.
let them be involved. My children are all so incredibly close now and remember those early days so fondly.

TheDenimQuail · 05/04/2024 11:22

TheHeadOfTheHouse · 27/03/2024 21:22

What’s that got to do with the price of fish?

Show quote history

As the elder child of a “blended family” in which new babies were introduced, it was also my first thought. I certainly felt cuckooed out by my mother’s husband, especially when they started their “real” family.

HussellRobbs · 05/04/2024 11:33

Kalevala · 29/03/2024 16:18

Some of these replies though are strange, she is too young for an untrained sibling to bath her or change her nappy.

How did you bath your first or change their nappy? Who trained you? Surely you are just there with the older child and give them instructions? I was 10 when I gave my newborn sibling their very first bath.

I'm from an Asian country where a 10yo bathing a newborn wouldn't be unusual.

But it definitely is not the norm in the UK, and telling OP that she should let her 14yo child bathe her 5 day old baby is not helpful.