Not wanting my older children to constantly ask to hold the baby

[Hhaaaa]

I am prepared to be told IABU, I just need to know how to gauge the situation.

I had a baby on Friday and my 3 children are constantly asking to hold her, one more than the other two.

I'm breastfeeding her and its a case of feeding and then trying to get her to sleep in repetition. I'm currently very sleep deprived.

I will make an effort for them to hold her at least once a day, but it's like a timer of her being unsettled and wanting to feed again. Then the other child wanting to hold her, then the other child.

They are starting to say things like I've only held her once today, and that line is pissing me off. She is not a doll. I have to tell them to not touch her face and to be gentle.

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable and if I should just force myself to let them hold her more, but my instinct is wanting me to not let them hold her at all.

She is too young and doesn't do anything, she wants to feed and sleep and will have occasion waking periods of quietness but its not when they want to hold her.

Today, one of them got the chance to hold her, they come home from school around 4:30pm. But now after the feeding and crying, I just want her to settle. I cant be bothered to do the pass the parcel until she starts crying again and they look at me for help.

The oldest one, my 14 year old son is almost obsessed with holding her. He was going on about it before she was born and was constantly asking if he would be allowed to hold her. I would say of course but he would still be asking again. Today he didn't get to hold her and now he is sulking. He doesn't care that she is settled and it can take me literally hours to get her in that state again.

I want them to be included and to have a bond but I need to ride out these first few weeks or I'm going to lose my mind. I havent slept more than a few hours in days.

I have spoken to them saying that its not going to last forever, be patient. I've been telling them about how she is going to love them when she's bigger and run to them when they come home from school. But for now, be patient.

Yabu ds3 used to nap on just turned 16 year old ds1. I can't see the issue here

It sounds like this baby might be very difficult to settle? If so I understand completely the need to try and not overstimulate her.
I would actually try and get your eldest to settle her. My first was a bit of a nightmare and I found that my own anxiety seemed to make her worse sometimes. My sister would come over and settle her instantly because she was a lot more chilled as she wasn’t primary parent.

The baby isn’t even a week old. OP should trust her instincts.

I imagine the horrible combination of hormones and exhaustion is making you feel touchy and protective whilst they are tiny. It'll ease off as they get older and sturdier and then you'll be happy to farm the baby out to anyone who will have them. My 10 year old would get the baby to sleep and then cradle them whilst they slept. She was brilliant at it! Do you have a sling? Maybe wear them for a bit to help the going to sleep and stop everyone asking all the time. Draw up a rota?

He can’t look after her, she’s not even one week old and needs her mum and to sleep.

You must be sooooo tired. Let them help you

Unless you don't trust your kids, this isn't an issue. They only want to hold their sibling, nothing bad is going to happen. Your children have probably been told they need to help you do x, y, z when the baby comes so you can rest, so that's what they are trying to do. If it's too soon for you to let anyone touch the baby get their dad to tell them that.
Congrats on the new baby

Can the 14 year old not learn to settle her?

My 8 year old son idolised his baby sister when she was born and was great at settling her, making me lunch and doing the laundry- she was born the first week of the summer holidays. It gave me a much needed break tbh.

They're now 25 and 18 and incredibly close.

The fact is that they will have a longer relationship with the baby than you will. I would encourage them rather than put them off.

I can absolutely see your point, mine were like this and still are with 7 mo dd. But I can also see how much they adore her and your ds must be so very excited about his new baby sister which is adorable and innocent 😇 the first few weeks will be tough. Try to be patient with them even though it can be incredibly frustrating when they're arguing about who gets to hold her next. She's still so new, just wait until she starts smiling and gurgling at them..it will all be worthwhile 🥰

She is not sleeping when they hold her, she will wake up. They don't hold her and just leave her in their arms they want to stroke her and get reactions out of her. Then she will start crying and I have to resettle her.

The next child lines up for their turn. She is 5 days old. I just need some time to rest.

When she is bigger she will be more settled, atm she is not.

I think if you have a BF baby you will get it more.

I mean this very very kindly - I do think you're being unreasonable but then a 5 day old baby makes anyone unreasonable & your hormones will be going batshit right now! So it's understandable but not necessarily ok.

It's lovely that your kids are so into their new sibling, let them build that bond & those memories while they are still super interested & excited. When baby is asleep on one of them, you get to nap. A 14yo will be fine just sat next to you on the sofa with some clear boundaries.

How is feeding going? I struggled through the first few weeks of feeding my second - it felt like if she wasn't sleeping she was feeding on my poor split nipples and every time my niece asked for a hold I felt a strong desire to tell her to F off. I'm not in the habit of swearing at children, but in my sleep deprived, nips feeling like they were about to fall off state, the idea of DN holding her and inevitably waking her up prematurely to feed again, filled me with rage!

This. They can fetch nappies, wipes, spare clothes. Make you a drink and a sandwich and cuddle baby while you shower.

Mine were all BF and my 5 and 3 year olds held their new born baby brother all the time, so I’m not sure it’s a BF/FF thing. It does sound like she’s quite unsettled at the moment though, and obviously them poking her/disturbing her won’t help matters. Can you tell them they can only hold her if they don’t disturb her/stroke her? A 14 year old is able to understand instructions.

Yabu. Your 14 year old can help settle her.

it’s lovely that a 14 year old wants to cuddle his baby sister.

I breastfed two babies. My older one loved holding his brother and I taught him how to settle her. Your 14 year old who is a lot older than DS1 was when he had a sibling can easily be taught how to soothe his sister. He could probably even wear her in a sling around the house. I would really encourage this rather than making them seem like an inconvenience. DS2 did everything first for his brother- smiling, waving. It's very cute. And they are much older but they spent all their time after school playing quite nicely. It allows my older one to play 'younger' games and be younger for longer. I know you are tired, but this is a relationship worth investing in, and teaching him.

I breastfed my kids. Teach your kids what to do and what not to do. Teach them she isn't for entertainment and must not be poked and prodded. Newborns need contact naps and a 14 year old is perfect for that.

You don't sound like you like your other kids very much.

YABVU. It's not nothing to do with breastfeeding (I've done it)

You're being a bit silly here. It's probably your hormones.

Is the baby’s father involved? Can he help with teaching them what to do/not to do when holding her?

She's five days old, you're in the midst of a lot of hormonal changes, you're very sleep deprived, and I absolutely understand the feeling of not wanting to "share" your baby, and keeping them safe and settled with you...

But these are her siblings, and they are excited that she's here. Yes, she'll be very excited to see them when she's older, and they've got all the time in the world to hold her... but they're kids, and realistically, the charm of a new baby sister will wear off at least somewhat. They're bonding. There has to be a way that you can allow this, and potentially even benefit from it.

Is the Dad on the scene? Could he oversee them holding her so you can rest?
Is the 14-year-old trustworthy? Can you explain that he needs to let her sleep, so that he can hold her?

They want to be involved. Honestly, you'll be so proud of them when you're out of this fog, and you'll be so happy with the photos you've got of them cuddling up together. Genuinely.

(I'm BFing too; by the way)

This! Let him learn to be an actual help! And any others who are close to that age.

That’s a terrible idea! It will create resentment and jealously.

OP let them hold the baby, the novelty will wear off soon enough.

I read this expecting the other children to be toddlers, I don't get why a 14 year old can't hold a baby while she sleeps.
At 14, I wouldn't have had to ask to hold a family baby, especially while they slept. I was shown how to settle a baby, and how to hold them calmly and let them sleep, at much younger than 14, as well as how to change nappies etc to help out while parents took a few minutes to themselves.
I get that this is a difficult and hormonal time for you, but don't forget how vital these days are for the siblings to bond too.

Ding ding ding we have a winner Correct answer.

OP you've done this three times already it's time to relax a little