Not wanting my older children to constantly ask to hold the baby

[Hhaaaa]

I am prepared to be told IABU, I just need to know how to gauge the situation.

I had a baby on Friday and my 3 children are constantly asking to hold her, one more than the other two.

I'm breastfeeding her and its a case of feeding and then trying to get her to sleep in repetition. I'm currently very sleep deprived.

I will make an effort for them to hold her at least once a day, but it's like a timer of her being unsettled and wanting to feed again. Then the other child wanting to hold her, then the other child.

They are starting to say things like I've only held her once today, and that line is pissing me off. She is not a doll. I have to tell them to not touch her face and to be gentle.

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable and if I should just force myself to let them hold her more, but my instinct is wanting me to not let them hold her at all.

She is too young and doesn't do anything, she wants to feed and sleep and will have occasion waking periods of quietness but its not when they want to hold her.

Today, one of them got the chance to hold her, they come home from school around 4:30pm. But now after the feeding and crying, I just want her to settle. I cant be bothered to do the pass the parcel until she starts crying again and they look at me for help.

The oldest one, my 14 year old son is almost obsessed with holding her. He was going on about it before she was born and was constantly asking if he would be allowed to hold her. I would say of course but he would still be asking again. Today he didn't get to hold her and now he is sulking. He doesn't care that she is settled and it can take me literally hours to get her in that state again.

I want them to be included and to have a bond but I need to ride out these first few weeks or I'm going to lose my mind. I havent slept more than a few hours in days.

I have spoken to them saying that its not going to last forever, be patient. I've been telling them about how she is going to love them when she's bigger and run to them when they come home from school. But for now, be patient.

Yes, possibly because they got fed up with being told they couldn't hold the baby.....

Have you missed the part of the OPs post where she says that he is trying to get a reaction from the baby, rather than just sitting and cuddling her while she sleeps? Perhaps if he stopped doing that then he might get to hold her more often.

Normally breastfeeding women who are less than a week pp are encouraged to be resting and making life as simple as possible for themselves. I think some of these responses are a bit clouded because it’s siblings involved (and a suspicion that they might be the OPs step children) and they would be very different if it was parents or in laws doing the same thing.

DSCs definitely didn’t hold DD more than once a day when she was very small. I’d had a c section, been in hospital for longer than expected and we had a really hard time with breastfeeding. It was explained to them, they understood completely and they both adore her so it’s not affected bonding in any way.

I understand you're tired but I think you're being unreasonable here.

This is their sibling who they live with. Why does the 14 year old need your supervision or whatever it is you think you need to do while he is holding his baby sib? Just hand her over and take the opportunity for an uninterrupted cup of tea or whatever.

She's 5 days old. I'm not really sure I understand you're "unsettled" comment - in my experience newborns - if not cranky due to pain, wet bum or hunger - will sleep quite happily in anyone's arms. Or if not sleep, at least be comfortable.

It's only draining you because you're letting it. Unclench.

You’re being a little unreasonable yes, let him hold her after she’s been fed, she can sleep in his arms

In a few months time you'll be desperate for them to hold her!

I have 2 DDs 13 and 8, and 7 month old DS. I'm always having to ask the 13yo to hold him for a minute while I do XYZ, she rolls her eyes but will take him somewhat reluctantly. They're both smitten with him though, so that hadn't changed but the novelty of holding him has certainly worn off!

I can see both sides of this, but I think YABU wins out (sorry, OP). My older two were 10 and 8 when their sister was born and the photos of her in their arms at a day or two old have pride of place here at home. She was their favourite person from day 1 and 8.5 years later they still adore her and are fiercely protective of her. There's something very special indeed about sending one of your late teen sons to pick your daughter up from school and knowing she'll run happily to them and they'll have a lovely fun walk home and come in giggling. I do think taking the long view on this can be extremely valuable. I EBF too and it was several wakes a night (with all of them), and rare naps that I could actually put them down (sling was a lifesaver), pretty much until they were rising 2, so I get it. But it's like BF itself, I think - gritting your teeth and getting through the difficult bit to get to the good bit.

Someone else may hav suggested this, but I presume you've talked to them (particularly your eldest) about the fourth trimester, baby development and so on? That interaction doesn't start happening until later on?

At 14 I’d have been desperate to hold a baby sibling too. I can understand that it disrupts your routine with the baby but they are all adjusting to a change and wanting to bond too.

Congratulations! What a lovely number of children!

Oh, I’d especially try and teach the older one how to settle baby and take full advantage of it!
let baby cry a little with them and tell him to stand up and rock baby, shushing and other ways, either it will be super helpful and give you a break or he will get absolutely sick of having to work hard to keep her settled and will ask less to hold her!

As long as you’re not back on in a few weeks/months complaining you have to do everything for the baby and the family doesn’t help you…

The answers on this thread are bonkers. No wonder mums never come back.

She is 5 DAYS OLD. She's been in the womb cosseted and warm and has to deal to being passed on like a frigging doll.

A newborn needs routine, routine and routine. Eat, sleep, change nappies, wash and repeat. She can't even see well or held her head, for crying out loud.

OP, your 14 year old is old enough to have a good chat with explaining what your newborn needs. He may be over enthusiastic but once you explain how much his sister needs a routine to settle into for the next few months, he'll get it. With the younger ones, you need to be firm while loving. They can hold her for a second but they'll need to wait a bit longer until they could play with her.

No wonder so many parents have problems settling newborns into a routine if some of the answers in this thread are anything to go by.

If 14yo is so keen hold baby, can't he hold her while you have a rest for half an hour? You've got willing helpers, let them help before they get bored of the baby! Teach him to soothe and rock her. I don't think he's unreasonable to want to hold the baby at some point every day.

This is such a difficult one and I don’t think there is a right answer. You are hormonal and sleep deprived. You must look after yourself to enable you to look after your family. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Is there another adult in the house who can step in and help?

I was 14 when my youngest brother was born, my other brother was 11, tbh when I look back we all sort of bought him up, he is so loved, 47 now😂We were never 'expected' to babysit but we did a lot, when he was 6 my dps had to go on a longhaul business trip, little bro stayed with me and dh, we had a wonderful time, OP, I get you wanting to settle the baby but don't push his siblings away, let the bond form.

Just another thought, I know this is many years away for you but now my dps are very elderly Im so glad that I'm close to my youngest brother, the age gap could have meant that we could have drifted away from each other and he could basically have lost his family IYSWIM?

I was similar to you 4 children spread out all BF and I say l let your other DC hold her especially 14 year old. Let them bond now and in a year or two's time you'll have a resident babysitter. My eldest DS and his youngest sister (33 and 23) are really close. He is also brilliant with kids (worked with them for several years) and is a great step dad to his partner's DC. (Her words not mine)
I credit this to his involvement with his little sister. If more teenage boys had contact with babies an toddlers there would be fewer crap dads.

Why on earth would someone have to justify having another child? It’s very much their choice. Also, what would you say about happy surprises with unexpected babies?

Sounds really tough. I have a 2 week old and a 4 year old who constantly wants to cuddle and hold the newborn. I just let him do it when he’s crying/fussing just before the next feed. Just a minute or two but it seems to give big boy his fix and he’s happy to get rid as the baby is crying 🤣

It is nice that they are so excited and want to be involved.

They're big enough to talk to. Explain the issues to them as you have here and that as she gets older, even in the near future, there will be plenty of time for them to hold her and play with her more often. In the meantime, ask them to help in ways that are actually useful to you, good way of learning that the drudge work around babies is as important to their welfare as cuddles.

I'm 16 years older than my "baby sister" , had to be very hands on when she was born as Mum wasn't well afterwards. We're very close.

Your baby is part of a family and they all need to bond with her and feel part of the family.

I was 12 when my brother was born, and I did a lot with him, including changing nappies etc. It was really important to me that I felt included with it all. Its really easy with a newborn to think that older children, particularly teenagers are all grown up but they are not. Instead of just holding her, get them to actually help. That may also make them less likely to want to hold her and see her as a doll! Also, as I got older I did a lot in the way of babysitting - teenagers can be very useful with younger siblings as long as you don't take the mick!

If he isn't allowed to be involved now then in two or three years time when you want him to watch her while you run to the shops etc for half an hour he'll say No.

totally get both sides of this. But they are your babies too! and I think it's so lovely how much they love her already. Just let them know you are struggling and why it might be better to wait for a little while. In a few months she will love having them to play with!

I’m sorry for a lot of the replies on here OP. I think a lot of the posters have forgotten what it’s like in the first 2-3 weeks. Even when you love your other children dearly, instincts kick in (as they should!) to nest/protect and bond with you newborn. It’s a normal physiological process and should be respected.

Just to give you hope and patience that it’ll get easier and your lovely older DC will come into their own and be brilliantly handy in a few more weeks. They won’t “hold it against you” or begrudge you/the baby by late April!

In the meantime, is there another carer about to make a bit of a fuss over them? Movie nights with snacky dinner etc?

I’d be using this to your advantage. My eldest two were 13 and 12 when the baby was born and were obsessed with holding her. I’d be counting down the hours till they were home from school and ready for cuddle duty so I could shower and get my head straight 😂

I can imagine how difficult this must be and the constant resettling must be draining. They are old enough to understand that they can hold her as long as they let her sleep and not to be constantly trying to wake her. Otherwise the alternative is to not do it. You do have a large portion of the day where they are at school and she can be left alone, it’s lovely that they are all besotted with her and I would say nurturing and encouraging that bond is very worthwhile. Fast forward to when she’s a bit older and you will likely be asking them to keep an eye on her so you can get things done. This will be easier if they have been encouraged to keep that bond! But I do think that they are old enough to understand that if you’ve had a difficult day with her and just want her to sleep they need to let her do just that and not have a strop about it.