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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting my older children to constantly ask to hold the baby

304 replies

Hhaaaa · 27/03/2024 21:08

I am prepared to be told IABU, I just need to know how to gauge the situation.

I had a baby on Friday and my 3 children are constantly asking to hold her, one more than the other two.

I'm breastfeeding her and its a case of feeding and then trying to get her to sleep in repetition. I'm currently very sleep deprived.

I will make an effort for them to hold her at least once a day, but it's like a timer of her being unsettled and wanting to feed again. Then the other child wanting to hold her, then the other child.

They are starting to say things like I've only held her once today, and that line is pissing me off. She is not a doll. I have to tell them to not touch her face and to be gentle.

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable and if I should just force myself to let them hold her more, but my instinct is wanting me to not let them hold her at all.

She is too young and doesn't do anything, she wants to feed and sleep and will have occasion waking periods of quietness but its not when they want to hold her.

Today, one of them got the chance to hold her, they come home from school around 4:30pm. But now after the feeding and crying, I just want her to settle. I cant be bothered to do the pass the parcel until she starts crying again and they look at me for help.

The oldest one, my 14 year old son is almost obsessed with holding her. He was going on about it before she was born and was constantly asking if he would be allowed to hold her. I would say of course but he would still be asking again. Today he didn't get to hold her and now he is sulking. He doesn't care that she is settled and it can take me literally hours to get her in that state again.

I want them to be included and to have a bond but I need to ride out these first few weeks or I'm going to lose my mind. I havent slept more than a few hours in days.

I have spoken to them saying that its not going to last forever, be patient. I've been telling them about how she is going to love them when she's bigger and run to them when they come home from school. But for now, be patient.

OP posts:
Busted2006 · 28/03/2024 21:18

Kalevala · 28/03/2024 20:34

Part of being a child is learning how to do grown up things, at their own pace and with support. If the children are wanting to be involved then they should be allowed to help as far as they are able.

I gave my sister her first ever bath. I changed nappies, I made up formula. When she started school I did the home reading with her. I resent or regret none of it, it was my choice. We are very close now as adults.

Show quote history

I agree “at their own pace and with support” not something that should be expected of them just because they reach a certain age. I am from a big family myself and all of the things you did, I was never expected/asked to do.

Back to the OP, I agree children should be allowed to get involved but surely when the newborn is only 5days old it is down to the parent to decide how much?

Kalevala · 28/03/2024 21:25

Busted2006 · 28/03/2024 21:18

I agree “at their own pace and with support” not something that should be expected of them just because they reach a certain age. I am from a big family myself and all of the things you did, I was never expected/asked to do.

Back to the OP, I agree children should be allowed to get involved but surely when the newborn is only 5days old it is down to the parent to decide how much?

Show quote history

I was never expected or asked to do any of it either, I wanted to and freely chose to.

I think if the OP has teenagers who want to be involved, she should be careful not to seem like she is shutting them out. She would need time to shower and so on, and they could help then.

mathanxiety · 28/03/2024 23:41

Onelovelyone · 28/03/2024 19:54

I am sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. I breastfed and wouldn’t dream of not letting siblings hold the baby. It does however sound to me as though you are finding the transition challenging and I wonder if you might allow your children to help support a little along with your partner if they are there or family or friends. They aren’t trying to be a nuisance, they are trying to engage with their new sibling and, if it were me, I would be keen to support that.

They are being a nuisance if the mother feels they are being a nuisance.

They are stressing her and waking the baby she has worked to settle. When the baby settles and she can finally get up, go to the loo, make herself a cuppa, she has to go back and settle the baby again because kids who are old enough to read the room think it's all a game.

The OP needs to put them all to work - they should be doing laundry, hoovering, doing the washing up, unloading the dishwasher, cleaning their rooms, making their beds, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the bin, and more.

They clearly don't have enough to occupy them if they're hanging around fighting over who gets to hold the baby.

I'd be having stern words with the oldest two. They are too old to be so self-centered and unhelpful.

You don't "engage with" a baby who is five or six days old. You meet their needs. They need to eat, sleep, burp, and feel snug and secure. They don't need to be poked or stroked or handed around or cooed at until they get overstimulated and cry.

Fromthebirdsnest · 29/03/2024 00:46

My 15, 13 year &8 yr old love their 3 year old sister and carry her around,play with her always have, I breastfed all my children I suggest letting him baby wear her she will sleep on him then and you will get a break, I did with my older 2 but my then 5 year old just held her all the time too , was easier to do things and still is because they adore her , my 15 year old and 13 year old take her to the park and on walks to the corner shop etc it's the same with their she's like a celebrity to them it's great except for the fact I fear she may eventually be spoilt 🤣, I feel this may be hormones it's hard after having a baby but honestly encouraging a bond with be the best thing you ever do x

thepastinsidethepresent · 29/03/2024 13:59

My pre-teen has never changed a nappy (I know you didn’t suggest this but other posters have)

Why on earth should anyone expect their DC to change a nappy?!

EmilyTjP · 29/03/2024 14:01

mathanxiety · 28/03/2024 23:41

They are being a nuisance if the mother feels they are being a nuisance.

They are stressing her and waking the baby she has worked to settle. When the baby settles and she can finally get up, go to the loo, make herself a cuppa, she has to go back and settle the baby again because kids who are old enough to read the room think it's all a game.

The OP needs to put them all to work - they should be doing laundry, hoovering, doing the washing up, unloading the dishwasher, cleaning their rooms, making their beds, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the bin, and more.

They clearly don't have enough to occupy them if they're hanging around fighting over who gets to hold the baby.

I'd be having stern words with the oldest two. They are too old to be so self-centered and unhelpful.

You don't "engage with" a baby who is five or six days old. You meet their needs. They need to eat, sleep, burp, and feel snug and secure. They don't need to be poked or stroked or handed around or cooed at until they get overstimulated and cry.

Show quote history

You’re so wrong.

ManchesterLu · 29/03/2024 14:03

The 14yo could definitely be more of a support to you, if you let him. He can learn to settle her, and could rock her if she's being fussy. Express some milk so he can feed her, too. You sound burnt out - obviously that's reasonable - but let him help, he clearly wants to! You will be glad of it as he gets older. He's old enough to have a child himself (I mean, it obviously wouldn't be good but it happens lol) so I don't know why you're keeping him away from the baby.

Original poster
Hhaaaa · 29/03/2024 15:22

Hi so its been 2 days since I posted this and baby is a bit more settled.

I'm unsure where the conspiracy of different mums different dads came from. You don't need to be part of a blended family for there to be issues. These are all my children with the same dad.

It does feel like the 1st time again. I had 3 vaginal births and this one was an emergency c-section. It was quite traumatic. I only stayed in the hospital for one night and when I went home I realised it was too early. I was still in so much pain and the bed was too soft to sleep on and get up from. I really should've stayed in the hospital.

I ended up sleeping in the sitting room with the moses basket until the night I posted this. The sofa was easier to move from.

Now the pain is less I'm back in the bedroom and the baby is more settled. When she is sleeping in my arms I have called the children over and they have held her until she wakes, which is about 30 min in the day time. I think they are appreciating how stuck you are with a newborn sleeping and when you can't move. They haven't been asking to hold her.

I obviously wrote this post as I knew my feelings were slightly unreasonable but I wasn't sure how or if I was being way ott.

Some of these replies though are strange, she is too young for an untrained sibling to bath her or change her nappy.

When my 8 year old was born the boys would ask to hold her, hold her and then go and watch Mr Bean or play with the Wii, or didn't feel this intense.

I hope that has answered some of the questions and assumptions.

OP posts:
Kalevala · 29/03/2024 16:13

thepastinsidethepresent · 29/03/2024 13:59

My pre-teen has never changed a nappy (I know you didn’t suggest this but other posters have)

Why on earth should anyone expect their DC to change a nappy?!

Has anyone said they'd expect it? I wouldn't expect anyone else to do it unless they were babysitting. Close family who offered would be welcome to help but no expectation!

Kalevala · 29/03/2024 16:18

Some of these replies though are strange, she is too young for an untrained sibling to bath her or change her nappy.

How did you bath your first or change their nappy? Who trained you? Surely you are just there with the older child and give them instructions? I was 10 when I gave my newborn sibling their very first bath.

StarlightLime · 29/03/2024 17:33

Kalevala · 29/03/2024 16:18

Some of these replies though are strange, she is too young for an untrained sibling to bath her or change her nappy.

How did you bath your first or change their nappy? Who trained you? Surely you are just there with the older child and give them instructions? I was 10 when I gave my newborn sibling their very first bath.

Personally, I was an adult when I had my first child, and the midwife demonstrated how to bath them before I left hospital.
Don't they do that anymore?

Kalevala · 29/03/2024 18:04

StarlightLime · 29/03/2024 17:33

Personally, I was an adult when I had my first child, and the midwife demonstrated how to bath them before I left hospital.
Don't they do that anymore?

Show quote history

Mine wasn't bathed in hospital. I just did it myself at home, though i had previous experience bathing my sibling as a baby so knew what i was doing. Surely the parent could demonstrate to a teen how to bathe a newborn? It's not difficult.

Youdontevengohere · 29/03/2024 18:04

StarlightLime · 29/03/2024 17:33

Personally, I was an adult when I had my first child, and the midwife demonstrated how to bath them before I left hospital.
Don't they do that anymore?

Show quote history

Gosh no! I was home less than 6 hours after having all of my 3, definitely no time to show me how to bath/feed etc. They churn you out as quickly as they can now.

Babyboomtastic · 29/03/2024 19:10

StarlightLime · 29/03/2024 17:33

Personally, I was an adult when I had my first child, and the midwife demonstrated how to bath them before I left hospital.
Don't they do that anymore?

Show quote history

Nope. They also advise waiting a while before their first bath so it wouldn't be practical to do whilst so at hospital. No one does you how to do nappies, baths etc, but it's not exactly rocket science.

mathanxiety · 29/03/2024 20:00

Hhaaaa · 29/03/2024 15:22

Hi so its been 2 days since I posted this and baby is a bit more settled.

I'm unsure where the conspiracy of different mums different dads came from. You don't need to be part of a blended family for there to be issues. These are all my children with the same dad.

It does feel like the 1st time again. I had 3 vaginal births and this one was an emergency c-section. It was quite traumatic. I only stayed in the hospital for one night and when I went home I realised it was too early. I was still in so much pain and the bed was too soft to sleep on and get up from. I really should've stayed in the hospital.

I ended up sleeping in the sitting room with the moses basket until the night I posted this. The sofa was easier to move from.

Now the pain is less I'm back in the bedroom and the baby is more settled. When she is sleeping in my arms I have called the children over and they have held her until she wakes, which is about 30 min in the day time. I think they are appreciating how stuck you are with a newborn sleeping and when you can't move. They haven't been asking to hold her.

I obviously wrote this post as I knew my feelings were slightly unreasonable but I wasn't sure how or if I was being way ott.

Some of these replies though are strange, she is too young for an untrained sibling to bath her or change her nappy.

When my 8 year old was born the boys would ask to hold her, hold her and then go and watch Mr Bean or play with the Wii, or didn't feel this intense.

I hope that has answered some of the questions and assumptions.

I don't think you were being unreasonable at all, especially since you had a traumatic birth and major abdominal surgery. Quite honestly, the behaviour of your older two children is bizarre and extremely inconsiderate in light of this - do they know you are stapled together and in pain?

I agree the baby is too young and floppy to allow anyone but an experienced and responsible adult to bathe her or change her. They can slip into water and can get shivery and cold if you don't hold them securely and work fast.

Newborns can literally get covered to their necks in poo, so nappy changing isn't always going to be something a teen could handle. Yes, first-time parents figure it out, but they are adults, and the vast majority are older than 14. They have common sense on their side even if they haven't a clue initially.

I feel your husband should have stepped in and put a stop to the behaviour. I hope he is supporting you in other ways.

Barbieuncovered · 29/03/2024 20:04

FrogsWormsandCaterpillars · 27/03/2024 21:10

I genuinely can’t believe that a 14 year old needs to ask permission to hold his baby sister.
My then 10 year old held her baby sister more than I did I’m sure!

I agree. It’s actually sad. She wants them to bond but doesn’t want to facilitate that. OP you’re being extremely unreasonable and selfish.

Done2much · 31/03/2024 00:19

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Although it's been many years since I bf mine, I do remember how difficult the early days were. And you are recovering from a section as well!
It takes time to establish feeding and I'd say you're doing a great job. All the very best to you and ignore the nonsense being put out by some on here 💐

Onelovelyone · 31/03/2024 20:02

mathanxiety · 28/03/2024 23:41

They are being a nuisance if the mother feels they are being a nuisance.

They are stressing her and waking the baby she has worked to settle. When the baby settles and she can finally get up, go to the loo, make herself a cuppa, she has to go back and settle the baby again because kids who are old enough to read the room think it's all a game.

The OP needs to put them all to work - they should be doing laundry, hoovering, doing the washing up, unloading the dishwasher, cleaning their rooms, making their beds, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the bin, and more.

They clearly don't have enough to occupy them if they're hanging around fighting over who gets to hold the baby.

I'd be having stern words with the oldest two. They are too old to be so self-centered and unhelpful.

You don't "engage with" a baby who is five or six days old. You meet their needs. They need to eat, sleep, burp, and feel snug and secure. They don't need to be poked or stroked or handed around or cooed at until they get overstimulated and cry.

Show quote history

In my opinion this is an antiquated way of thinking of a baby and parenting. I am so very glad that this works for you but to me your 'stern words'. seem misguided. They aren't poking or stroking the baby; I don't think anyone would think that was ok. However, it is important to flag that developmentally, and in human terms, yes, you do engage with a baby. I think it important to recognise that we all parent differently.

Emmz1510 · 02/04/2024 20:44

I think it’s lovely they want to be involved especially the teeenage boy! But also not unreasonable to not want it to become disruptive. It’ll be a more positive experience for them if they get to hold baby when she is awake and alert, such as in the morning or after a nap. These times will be few and far between at this age, but it will get easier. Or, you could give them a wee hold when baby is asleep. The oldest would probably love having a good cuddle on his chest while baby naps.
They can also get involved in other ways- helping with nappy changing, bathing (perhaps not holding in the bath but they could help wash her), bringing items you need, showing her toys, pushing her in the pram.

Gollumm · 02/04/2024 20:45

mathanxiety · 29/03/2024 20:00

I don't think you were being unreasonable at all, especially since you had a traumatic birth and major abdominal surgery. Quite honestly, the behaviour of your older two children is bizarre and extremely inconsiderate in light of this - do they know you are stapled together and in pain?

I agree the baby is too young and floppy to allow anyone but an experienced and responsible adult to bathe her or change her. They can slip into water and can get shivery and cold if you don't hold them securely and work fast.

Newborns can literally get covered to their necks in poo, so nappy changing isn't always going to be something a teen could handle. Yes, first-time parents figure it out, but they are adults, and the vast majority are older than 14. They have common sense on their side even if they haven't a clue initially.

I feel your husband should have stepped in and put a stop to the behaviour. I hope he is supporting you in other ways.

Show quote history

Why on earth is it bizarre for a 14 and 13 year old to want to hold and bond with their baby sister?! That’s a ridiculous thing to say. They shouldn’t need much supervision in holding a baby at that age, I don’t know how it’s being unhelpful to the OP, I’d be glad of an extra pair of hands or two to give me a break!

Yes to husband being more proactive, there’s no mention at all of him in OP’s posts - in relation to the baby OR the other children. Very strange.

Sjh15 · 02/04/2024 20:49

I know you’re breastfeeding but can the 14 year old look after the baby while you take a nap? They obviously want to be very included which is so lovely, I can understand how you’re feeling tho. Sleep deprivation won’t work; they can always wake you up if they can’t settle the baby?

By ‘look after’ I mean watch over and cuddle, nothing more than that

Kateeeeuyyy · 02/04/2024 20:59

There were 11 years between me and my youngest sibling. I used to hold him while my mum showered/ had a nap/ made some food etc. I’d help change nappies and adored it. We’re adults now and have a lovely relationship. Take advantage of the free pair of hands. A 14 year old is perfectly capable of helping, and isn’t it much more wholesome than scrolling on instagram or watching Netflix ?

PrimalLass · 02/04/2024 21:05

Jeez it's great that he wants to sit and cuddle her. Harness that.

Imisssleep2 · 02/04/2024 21:06

Reading your post I was trying to work out how old the siblings must be for you the be so worried, I came to the conclusion they must be quite young, the. I read that the oldest is 14! I used to babysit for my neighbour at 14, granted it wasn't a newborn but I was trusted to hold my half sisters and brother when I was like 9/10 on my own.

My son is 3 and I have a 12 week old and from the first day we got home from the hospital he has always wanted to hold her most days, granted only for a few minutes but I have never said no, I want him to be involved and not feel excluded. I will add this is with heavy assistance, he just sits with his arms on his lap and I rest her on his lap while supporting her head and weight. Maybe I got lucky with my baby, but she could sleep through an earthquake in the first two months, could be passed through several people without waking.

I think you need to relax a bit, babies pick up on tension, my doctor said to me at my 6 week check that she can tell how a baby will be by looking at the mother in the waiting room, she told me I was very relaxed and in turn said my baby was very relaxed......

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/04/2024 21:27

Onelovelyone · 31/03/2024 20:02

In my opinion this is an antiquated way of thinking of a baby and parenting. I am so very glad that this works for you but to me your 'stern words'. seem misguided. They aren't poking or stroking the baby; I don't think anyone would think that was ok. However, it is important to flag that developmentally, and in human terms, yes, you do engage with a baby. I think it important to recognise that we all parent differently.

Show quote history

@Onelovelyone

if you care to read OP’s posts you will see that her older children are disturbing the baby from her sleep