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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting my older children to constantly ask to hold the baby

304 replies

Hhaaaa · 27/03/2024 21:08

I am prepared to be told IABU, I just need to know how to gauge the situation.

I had a baby on Friday and my 3 children are constantly asking to hold her, one more than the other two.

I'm breastfeeding her and its a case of feeding and then trying to get her to sleep in repetition. I'm currently very sleep deprived.

I will make an effort for them to hold her at least once a day, but it's like a timer of her being unsettled and wanting to feed again. Then the other child wanting to hold her, then the other child.

They are starting to say things like I've only held her once today, and that line is pissing me off. She is not a doll. I have to tell them to not touch her face and to be gentle.

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable and if I should just force myself to let them hold her more, but my instinct is wanting me to not let them hold her at all.

She is too young and doesn't do anything, she wants to feed and sleep and will have occasion waking periods of quietness but its not when they want to hold her.

Today, one of them got the chance to hold her, they come home from school around 4:30pm. But now after the feeding and crying, I just want her to settle. I cant be bothered to do the pass the parcel until she starts crying again and they look at me for help.

The oldest one, my 14 year old son is almost obsessed with holding her. He was going on about it before she was born and was constantly asking if he would be allowed to hold her. I would say of course but he would still be asking again. Today he didn't get to hold her and now he is sulking. He doesn't care that she is settled and it can take me literally hours to get her in that state again.

I want them to be included and to have a bond but I need to ride out these first few weeks or I'm going to lose my mind. I havent slept more than a few hours in days.

I have spoken to them saying that its not going to last forever, be patient. I've been telling them about how she is going to love them when she's bigger and run to them when they come home from school. But for now, be patient.

OP posts:

Rozgoestohollywood · 02/04/2024 21:35

I think you sound exhausted and want the time to get on with other things/rest whilst she is settle

But they will never have get this time back, I was like this with my 1st and 2nd, I can remember that ratty/tired feeling. I am expecting our 3rd and I hope I am abit more relaxed with it and they are able to bond and have a nicer experience of a newborn this time. They are old enough to remember this time x x x

Poppalina37 · 02/04/2024 21:39

Why don't you let them hold her and go to sleep....

Mummytotheboy · 02/04/2024 21:45

I don't want to be crude but your 14 is biological capable of being an actual Dad. Let him help

Autienotnaughtie · 02/04/2024 21:46

Teach them how to hold her? What to do.

My older two were 13 and 15 when youngest dc was born. Obviously they didn't hold him when I was feeding but they winded , nappy change, cuddled.
They were fab.

It reads like them holding her is an event rather than naturally being involved in her day.

Nanny0gg · 02/04/2024 22:33

StarlightLime · 29/03/2024 17:33

Personally, I was an adult when I had my first child, and the midwife demonstrated how to bath them before I left hospital.
Don't they do that anymore?

Show quote history

You're not in long enough!

Allthingsdecember · 02/04/2024 22:41

Having a baby sibling is a huge upheaval for children (as is having your own baby, but parents choose that themselves). I'd be doing everything I could to make sure my older children felt valued and involved, not limiting them to one hug a day.

Differentstarts · 02/04/2024 23:03

I thought you was talking about toddlers. A 14 year old can be a great help I was only a year older when I had my first baby and did everything for her so he's more then capable and it's great to have an extra pair of hands

MustBeGinOclock · 03/04/2024 00:47

Omg this is completley. YABU. How controlling of you.

Mrsmozza123 · 03/04/2024 06:41

@Hhaaaa Its another thing to have to manage and I can understand why it’s stressing you out.
I can also understand the kids POV, they will have been at school all day excited to come home to see the baby. So let’s think of ways they can be included.

Can you turn it around to something helpful. 14 is old enough to take on some responsibilities that will make them feel part of things. They do need to understand that right now the baby is very vulnerable and their needs trump everyone else’s for a couple of months but everyone in the family can help care for the baby but holding is not the only way.

Can they change a nappy, get them changed. Can you wrap them in something that smells of you so they are less unsettled. Can you teach them how to settle the baby properly. Can they have the baby in the morning while you shower and set yourself up for the day.
Would they do jobs to help, choosing outfits, helping sort clothes, empty nappy bin etc.

it’s a hard time for you and I think the kids have a different expectation of what having a newborn is like but I think you should find ways to include them that helps you out.

user1471538283 · 03/04/2024 07:40

Your exhaustion comes through your post. I think it's lovely that her 14 year old brother wants to hold her. He could be a valuable asset. As a poster up thread said he could have a sling and she would settle and sleep on him. You could then have a long shower!

I think once things have settled down you will be delighted your DCs are so invested with her. Your 14 year old sounds lovely.

notnowmarmaduke · 03/04/2024 07:50

I cant beleive the 14 year old has not been allowed to hold his sister all day! That is his sister as much as your daughter

Yellowpingu · 03/04/2024 07:56

If you’re 14 year old is willing show him how to settle baby and it will hopefully benefit all 3 of you.

PickledMumion · 03/04/2024 08:04

There are two types of newborn. The ones who don't quite realise they've been born, and basically sleep for 2 weeks, regardless of who's holding them, and the ones who scream blue murder every minute they're not on a nipple. If you've got one of the second ones, and you've finally managed to get them to sleep for 10 minutes, and then someone comes in and deliberately wakes them up, with no chance of being able to settle them again, it's honestly torture.

It's not selfish of the OP to put some of her own needs first, when she's just had major surgery, and she has a difficult newborn. A 14yo should be able to understand this. The husband should be stepping in to help manage the situation.

rainbowstardrops · 03/04/2024 08:17

You had some shitty replies on here OP, especially as you were sleep deprived, hormones all over the place and trying to recover from a C-section and coping with a newborn.
I'm glad things are more settled now

Bo1978 · 03/04/2024 08:27

TheHeadOfTheHouse · 27/03/2024 21:22

What’s that got to do with the price of fish?

Show quote history

It could be entirely relevant and I thought the same. Talking from first hand experience, I think it’s so important that if this new baby is with a different partner then the children need to feel included - more so than if it was with their Dad. Family dynamics can be so tricky if it’s a blended family and this will make things easier in the long run.

JT69 · 03/04/2024 08:35

Wow, three ready made minders there. It’s great they want to be involved so let them. As some else said better than ignoring the new family member engrossed on tik tok. (I’m a Mum of three and BF them all).

meeeeeeshel · 03/04/2024 08:54

I thought when first reading this, wow you're being V v unreasonable!
Then I read your part about baby only being on the breast or waking and how hard those first days are and it instantly transported me back to my first. She was a nightmare and would literally only sleep on boob. It was incredibly hard work and I constantly sobbed. Looking back I think I had a bit of PND in with the exhaustion.
Huge hugs to you @Hhaaaa, those first few weeks are incredibly hard and you are doing an amazing job. Especially with 3 other children! Wow!
Do you have plenty of support around you - dad, family, friends? Make sure you call on people for help, don't struggle alone.
I hope you can all fall into your own routine soon ❤️

Daisyblue77 · 03/04/2024 09:36

Its hard, when i had my 5 th my others were ages 11-16. I also had a c section i let them hold her . But all these people saying have a nap while the 14 year looks after her are crazy, i supervised them with her, i would never leave a child responsible for a baby , they would never forgive themselves if they dropped her or something else happened, they had friends that were allowed to take baby sibling actually out for walks , i never allowed it, also you have had a major operation so will be more exhausted and milk does not come in so easily with a c section, do what is best for you, but try to stay calm with the other children, and the dad should be helping as much as possible ,you need to not be doing house hold chores ect; you have had major surgery,

Mummyofbananas · 03/04/2024 09:52

I think you are being unreasonable but very understandably so- you're probably right in the thick of baby blues and sleep deprivation and your kids are getting in the way.

The novelty will wear off and the older 2 will learn how to hold her while she sleeps hopefully, giving you a break but it's understandable how you are feeling just now.

Can someone (dad) take the baby and let you sleep for a few hours? When my first was that age I don't think I had slept for the whole time and I couldn't function any more- my sister came and took the baby and brought her in every wee while for a feed but let me sleep in between and it was honestly lifesaving for me at that point.

Mummyofbananas · 03/04/2024 09:52

Everythinggreen · 03/04/2024 09:53

Aw let him hold her. My brother was 15 and one of my sisters a little younger when I was born and they would help my mum with me so she could have a little nap, a shower or a nice cup of tea in the other room in peace. I grew up with a lovely bond with him despite the age gap and that also extended to his then gf (now wife and like another sis to me) who he met when I was still little. He still refers to me as his baby sister (and I'm in my 40s haha) Let him help, let him bond.

oakleaffy · 03/04/2024 11:09

worp · 27/03/2024 21:21

Do all the kids have the same father OP?

What?!!!

The MORALITY POLICE have arrived. 👮🏼

Rudolftheorange · 03/04/2024 11:24

My step daughter (12 yrs older) held her little siblings whenever she wanted. I only asked she didn’t pick them up when they were sleeping.She was such a doting and helpful big sister. Enjoy the free hands if they are keen!

zingally · 03/04/2024 11:35

Of course your other children are going to be excited to have a new baby in the house! It's been 5 days. The novelty will quickly wear off.
Baby isn't upset about being passed from loving pair of arms to loving pair of arms - that's literally how babies are designed to be = held by a variety of caregivers.
Baby is upset, because that's what new babies are like. And you're upset because you're 5 days post-partum. If the 14yo wants to hold her while you rest/wash your hair/whatever, then go for it!

destroyess · 03/04/2024 12:11

It's sweet that you have such a paternal 14 yo, I think.

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