Not wanting my older children to constantly ask to hold the baby

[Hhaaaa]

I am prepared to be told IABU, I just need to know how to gauge the situation.

I had a baby on Friday and my 3 children are constantly asking to hold her, one more than the other two.

I'm breastfeeding her and its a case of feeding and then trying to get her to sleep in repetition. I'm currently very sleep deprived.

I will make an effort for them to hold her at least once a day, but it's like a timer of her being unsettled and wanting to feed again. Then the other child wanting to hold her, then the other child.

They are starting to say things like I've only held her once today, and that line is pissing me off. She is not a doll. I have to tell them to not touch her face and to be gentle.

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable and if I should just force myself to let them hold her more, but my instinct is wanting me to not let them hold her at all.

She is too young and doesn't do anything, she wants to feed and sleep and will have occasion waking periods of quietness but its not when they want to hold her.

Today, one of them got the chance to hold her, they come home from school around 4:30pm. But now after the feeding and crying, I just want her to settle. I cant be bothered to do the pass the parcel until she starts crying again and they look at me for help.

The oldest one, my 14 year old son is almost obsessed with holding her. He was going on about it before she was born and was constantly asking if he would be allowed to hold her. I would say of course but he would still be asking again. Today he didn't get to hold her and now he is sulking. He doesn't care that she is settled and it can take me literally hours to get her in that state again.

I want them to be included and to have a bond but I need to ride out these first few weeks or I'm going to lose my mind. I havent slept more than a few hours in days.

I have spoken to them saying that its not going to last forever, be patient. I've been telling them about how she is going to love them when she's bigger and run to them when they come home from school. But for now, be patient.

You are entitled to feel whatever you feel but mine were breastfed (apart from one who physically couldn’t due to disability and I expressed for special bottle feeding), and I remember I’d give my right arm for DH to hold them as babies just so I could get some space and time to myself. I’d have certainly given them to a 14yo sibling, heck I probably would have handed them over to Jack the Ripper at times to just have a nice hot cup of tea.

Just don’t come back in 6 months with a tale of woe that siblings won’t keep an eye on baby while you have a shower or make dinner or whatever, as you are making that rod for your back now.

Make the most of the enthusiasm! It will enourage bonding and help avoid resentment.

Set the 14 year old up with a sling and teach him how to get the baby to sleep! Free yourself up for some quality time with your other children.

They might repond better to you pointing out their succeses with their new bay sister rather than telling them 'don't' which can act as fuel to make them rebel/hurt their self-confidence. E.g, you're being so gentle! You remembered not to touch her face that time! You're taking such good care of your sister.

People are being really harsh OP. You've got a 5 day old baby and said yourself yabu. I can see why you wouldn't want a new baby passed around 3 siblings on a rota. It'll settle down and everyone will soon slot in. Don't take these replies to heart.

YABU, let them enjoy their sibling. My babies all had CMPA and spent their first 4 months screaming and there was still plenty of time for cuddles and for my older children to enjoy the baby. Like a PP said, a newborn sleeps, why can't they hold a sleeping baby? Lifes to short.

Oi - easy on!

The op had the baby 5 days ago. She is wiped out, recovering from birth and not getting any sleep.

The baby will be scared at this point - all it wants is the mother.

I do not think it is fair to speak like that to any woman who had a baby in the last few days.

You're being very Precious Last Born.

If they can comply with your instructions not to hold her (yes they're whining but presumably not just disobeying and snatching her from you, or even touching her), they can understand and begrudgingly follow your instructions to just hold her without disturbing her.

This will give you more time to do stuff on your own too.

op - I AM WITH YOU!

Mine were like that with the youngest many moons ago.

The interest and excitement was wonderful but not appropriate for a new born.

Let them know that new babies are dull- all they do is sleep eat and poop!

When the baby is out of that phase you will let them know.

In meantime they can admire the baby in your arms or in the cot!

Good luckand really try for some sleep.

You are doing the right thing. You don't need to be unsettled yourself so just keep saying NO.
Thank the kids for loving her, doing baby chores and extra family chores that help out at this time though.

Could you have one child hold her every afternoon and be the main holder while you do a chore, and they also help with the bath etc.?
The "one Mother's Helper per day" idea (marked on a calendar) will stop squabbles.

Each child then gets to be the baby helper twice per week and on one last day of the week, the baby is left alone, until she has her immunisation shots.

It absolutely is a normal reaction postpartum, those hormones are wild. Your assumptions are unpleasant and unnecessary, especially to say to a woman who’s clearly not feeling great ONE WEEK postpartum! Nasty.

I think a lot of the posters on this thread have forgotten what it's like to have a new born OP YANBU. It's overstimulating for such a tiny baby to be passed around. It's too much. She deserves quiet and you all need to survive this new born phase. When she's a bit bigger in a few weeks it will be very different and the older kids need to chill til then. Disclaimer - I was 9 when my brother was born. Also DD1 was quite high maintenance - she would have railed against being passed around as a newborn and we would have all been made to pay, lol.

I'm guessing the older kids aren't hers hence her sounding like a first time mum. Blended family and this is her first child together with the father of the others.

YABU and a bit precious

I have an 11 week old and it was lovely for others to hold her as it gave me a break and also gets baby used to others plus the person holding her absolutely loves it so win win really.

I’ll never understand why some people get so precious over things like this.

Some of these responses are upsetting to read as an outsider, let alone as a new mother. Op, try not to let the nasty replies get to you, they say a lot more about the people posting them than they do you. Genuinely can’t imagine striding onto a thread made by a struggling postpartum woman and telling her to get a grip or that she mustn’t like her older children. Embarrassing behaviour.

It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling overwhelmed! Of course it’s annoying when your baby is woken up and you have to resettle her! I wonder if you could have set times where your older children could interact with the baby, rather than wanting to hold her all through the day? Try to explain to them that it’s lovely they want to interact with their sister, but for the first few weeks she needs time to adjust and learn to sleep!

Sorry I thought they were going to be little kids, like toddlers. But a 14 year old wanting to help out should be quite capable. Why can’t he hold her while she naps and he can just watch tv/movie. He could potentially help with settling too if he’s keen to be involved. Can they be involved with things like nappy changes or choosing clothes for the baby each day.

You are coming across a bit PFB which is very surprising given you have 3 other kids. How did you cope with the others after you had the first?

I have a breastfed baby and don’t get it… let her siblings hold her!

Do you have anyone else around to help you through this very hectic and unpredictable time? Another adult. Someone helping with school drop off for 8 year old. Who can hold baby etc. washing, cooking- All the practical stuff.
unless there are special needs involved with any of the older children they are old enough to understand about the baby (and you) needing to sleep.
my older children were 8 and 5 when the youngest was born. He was born on the last day of the summer term. They did do small tasks to help out - not always involving holding tho.
Be kind to yourself- you’ll bounce back and things will seem easier.

Different mothers I think.

I think that this little one is a PFB, and that the others are stepchildren.

I think that the OP knows that most Mumsnetters - including me - get upset when we see stepchildren not being welcomed, or being made to feel at all wanted.

It is the only scenario that I can recognise as being normal here, even though I think it is very sad for any of the stepchildren to be treated in this way.

If the older ones are her biological children, then I'm sorry but I can't understand the OP's attitude at all 🫤😒

They shouldn't be able to hold the baby when it doesn't suit the baby no.

Op is feeding going well? My newborn didnt settle well at first and it turned out to be because he had tongue tie and wasnt eating enough. Once that was sorted he would sleep deeply and soundly after every feed. What you're saying about not settling makes me think of that. I think based on what youre saying about not settling easily I wouldn't necessarily be letting the other children hold them as much as they want, but I'd be looking to get them checked with a feeding specialist asap to make sure everythings ok. I think the aim should be to teach them how to hold the baby though so they don't wake, how to settle etc.

the novelty will wear off op

Your not being unreasonable at all, follow what your instincts are telling you, I felt exactly the same way with my newborns. Just because they are older siblings and people think it’s cute it doesn’t mean is good for baby for them to be constantly holding her.e.g. Infection risk etc. I allowed once a day at that stage (hands washed first) and just aimed to keep them occupied with other things and mine still developed a great bond as they got older

I wouldn’t be leaning older siblings to keep an eye on a 6 month old baby!!

I sort of get where you're coming from. When I had my youngest I was so worried about my older ones being jealous that I didn't anticipate instead I'd be internally screaming at them to leave the fucking baby the fuck alone.

My eldest did point out that if the baby's asleep I don't let anyone hold him because he's sleeping,!if he's awake but settled, I don't let anybody hold him in case they unsettle him and if he's awake but crying I don't let anyone hold him because he needs me! When he said that and I realised that's pretty much all three newborn states, then I did chill out about and realise that I need to balance the needs of all of my kids, not just the baby, and the older ones just want to be included and bond with their sibling. But it is a pain and it does go against your instincts somewhat.

If it's any consolation by about 4 months the novelty had worn off and nobody wanted to hold the baby!

Oh and the whole I've only held her once today, X has held for longer than me etc used to really piss me off too.

I'd make sure each of the older ones had time to cuddle the baby but I shot down all of those types of comments really quickly. Just the baby's a person not a doll, it doesn't work like that.

Agee
Surely this would be helpful
Can't remember the 3 older ones wanting to hold the baby.
They had the usual photos done with him on their knee....and that was it, till he could toddler about - then they'd pick him up occasionally lol