Not wanting my older children to constantly ask to hold the baby

[Hhaaaa]

I am prepared to be told IABU, I just need to know how to gauge the situation.

I had a baby on Friday and my 3 children are constantly asking to hold her, one more than the other two.

I'm breastfeeding her and its a case of feeding and then trying to get her to sleep in repetition. I'm currently very sleep deprived.

I will make an effort for them to hold her at least once a day, but it's like a timer of her being unsettled and wanting to feed again. Then the other child wanting to hold her, then the other child.

They are starting to say things like I've only held her once today, and that line is pissing me off. She is not a doll. I have to tell them to not touch her face and to be gentle.

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable and if I should just force myself to let them hold her more, but my instinct is wanting me to not let them hold her at all.

She is too young and doesn't do anything, she wants to feed and sleep and will have occasion waking periods of quietness but its not when they want to hold her.

Today, one of them got the chance to hold her, they come home from school around 4:30pm. But now after the feeding and crying, I just want her to settle. I cant be bothered to do the pass the parcel until she starts crying again and they look at me for help.

The oldest one, my 14 year old son is almost obsessed with holding her. He was going on about it before she was born and was constantly asking if he would be allowed to hold her. I would say of course but he would still be asking again. Today he didn't get to hold her and now he is sulking. He doesn't care that she is settled and it can take me literally hours to get her in that state again.

I want them to be included and to have a bond but I need to ride out these first few weeks or I'm going to lose my mind. I havent slept more than a few hours in days.

I have spoken to them saying that its not going to last forever, be patient. I've been telling them about how she is going to love them when she's bigger and run to them when they come home from school. But for now, be patient.

I agree. I was younger than OPs oldest when my younger siblings and younger cousins were born, and I held them all the time during the newborn phase, I remember picking up the baby and showing sibling and younger cousins how to hold them, changing the nappies and only calling for mum when baby wanted to be fed.

Different fathers I think.

That's a fair point. Maybe send your older kids to stay with their other parent whilst you get used to having a new born? Maybe 3 weeks? Isn't that what people on mn do ? So you can bond and all that.

@Hhaaaa - tell them again that she's not a toy everyone gets a turn at, and they need to listen to you.

I'm surprised a 14 yo can't understand that this isn't ok, and that a 13yo and 8yo and the oldest all think competing to get a turn holding her is in order.

You have to attend to your needs first or you'll end up snapping.

If what you need is for everyone to back off and stop competing and driving you cuckoo, then you must tell them that.

You need the baby swaddled and sleeping after a full-on afternoon of cluster feeding and managing the other kids, and I urge you to be direct with the older ones and stick to your guns.

You need a break from the clamour and the impossibility of making everyone happy. The older kids need to suck it up. They are not small kids o ercome with excitement. The oldest two in particular need to get a grip.

This is so confusing. You have done this 3 times but it seems like you're a first time mum from your posts. Maybe hormones have made you forget what it's like or are making you more anxious. By baby 4 I'd expect you to be quite relaxed about this stage and it's not uncommon in larger families for the youngest to be a bit more robust because they are passed around siblings and siblings help care for them. Usually youngest born are just thrown in to join the family and muck in and fit around everyone else.
Did your older two hold your 8 year old? Did you feel the same back then? This can't be alien to you surely.
Your older children will want to help and will feel pushed out so are trying to gain some of your approval by showing care and support to you and baby. They want to be around you and baby it's natural.

@pamshamalam I'm guessing that the older ones are actually OPs step children.

PPA/PPD can hit you like a tonne of bricks no matter how many children you have.

I'm sorry you find her post confusing, it seems pretty clear to me the OP is struggling adjusting to life with 4 children. By reading the OPs posts I would expect you to be a bit more compassionate and a bit less judgemental - being kind can't be alien to you surely?

This is a hard one. If you fob them off now, they will probably feel sidelined, lose interest and it will be harder later.
If you try more, but it won't get better, you'll snap.

Could you get a "first aid" day off? Father/friend/family taking all three of them for a day trip and giving you a day when it just isn't a question and you could have a few naps during that day with the baby?
After that, keeping them as hands-on as you can and working on making them actually useful while they want to be around.

I have a breastfed baby with 2 older siblings (not as old as yours though). I think you are feeling this way because of the sleep deprivation and this won't seem like a big deal when you've had more rest. I LOVED when my older 2 held their baby sister. They doted on her from the moment they first saw her, and still do now at 18 months. They held her a few times a day when she was tiny. It may not seem like it, but there should be enough time between feed and sleep at some points in the day for a cuddle with siblings. You'll go mad if not!

@iLovee I wasn't unkind in my post. I was asking genuine questions. Other posters have said the same before me but you seem to have focused on only my comment. Just because you disagree with something doesn't make it unkind. Maybe that's alien to you?

Wow. Your poor older kids. You sound like you don't want them around or even particularly like them. Way to show favouritism.

Anyone else think three different people (the DCs) lining up to take turns must be unsettling for the baby? She's only been out of the womb for five days, she's only ever known her mum, and now there are all these strange bodies and she doesn't know which one she'll be with next. The DCs might know she's their sister but she doesn't know them from Adam.

I don't think it would be unfair to a) ration their time holding her and b) teach them how they need to hold her. That she's a living being not a doll and they don't get to do whatever they want with her. Get them to do practical things for her, fetching nappies, wipes etc.

If that doesn't work, get three or four friends/relatives round and insist the DCs come in to say hello. When you've got them, get the fs/rs to behave towards them as they do towards the baby. It should only take about five minutes. And I'm not joking. They need to experience it to understand.

Why can’t they hold her ? For sure you can trust a 14 year old that is besotted with the new baby ? I think you are being really unreasonable. I assumed you meant 2 or 3 years old

I think there's a lot of emphasis in these posts about what the 14 year old could do - hold her, settle her etc. What that misses is that the OP has been clear that whatever the 14 yo does or gets, the other two will want the same. Same amount of time with her, same settling her etc. So while yes he might be capable, in this instance that's not the answer. The DCs will only see fair if it's equal.

I think you really don't need people saying rubbish like "you're horrible" op. I'm so sorry, this is so so hard.
My third baby is a year old now and i felt very stressed out and anxious in the first few weeks in a way I hadn't with the others. Who knows how the weird cocktail of hormones will take us.

I think her siblings are being a pest, but only mildly so and in a completely understandable way and I think you just cannot deal with it right now. You poor thing, you deserve a rest. I do not think you dislike your older children or are at all horrible.
Is there anyone who can act as a buffer for you, your mum or aunt or sister or best friend or partner? Who can be there to teach the kids how we hold babies and how we give them back without fuss and who won't explode at them because you might and then you might regret it.

You’re joking right? We’ve now moved on from no family members visiting for 2 months to tk siblings should not be allowed to hold the baby.

I totally emphasis with you OP. Baby is 3 months old and whenever I managed to get her settled I didn’t want anyone else to bother her when she was only weeks old.

I can’t get my head around posters suggestion your 14 year old settle your 5 day old baby whilst you nap ! It is lovely your children are so interested and want to hold their baby sister. I would be telling them that as for now they can’t hold the baby constantly throughout the day or continuously ask, it is extremely draining for you.

once your new bundle of joy settles into more of a routine and your figure things out the dynamics will surely change, for now your children are old enough to understand. I hope things settle for you and you manage to get what sounds like some well needed rest 🫶🏽

Well it's only the first week so once the cluster feeding and hormones have settled surely children of that age can be helpful? I also thought you were talking about toddlers. At that age can't you impose rules for them. Hold her as I say or you can't hold her. They're too old to piss about with her wanting a reaction. The 14 year old can definitely be taught to rock her to sleep.

My children were 4 and 6 when my youngest was born. They took custody of him and it was fantastic. They literally entertained,chose his clothes and vetted the HV !! Now 24 years later the youngest is the wise sibling!

Older kids shouldn't bother babies when asleep but you can involve them as much as you can, they're still your kids. My 3 year old used to stroke babies head while breastfeeding and do anything to help. There's hours in a day, to moan about kids wanting a couple of minutes to bond with their sibling is pathetic!!!!! Make the time.

YABU, let them bond with their sibling and hold her when she’s awake. Dont let your other children feel pushed out. Also the 8 year old probably doesn’t fully understand.

The other kids are practically adults 😂 I thought you were going to say 3 under 5 or something!

its obviously your hormones playing up which is normal but realistically you can see surely that at their ages it's a help not a hinderance?

Can you give them jobs like taking your baby for a walk in the pram with an emphasis on not taking her out of it as this is nap time? Then you can sleep during the walk. You’ll be more relaxed, can feed your baby then they can more easily hold her. I’d say time limits. The next person times the current person.

Not understanding your quoting my response, clearly the children are wanting more than a few minutes. OP needs to set boundaries that work, to protect her mental health and emotional well-being after just having had a newborn baby. I personally stated I don’t think a 14 year old boy should be watching a new born baby whilst mum sleeps, that is crazy to me ! OP is clearly struggling so she needs to set boundaries. Nothing pathetic about it !!