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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting my older children to constantly ask to hold the baby

304 replies

Hhaaaa · 27/03/2024 21:08

I am prepared to be told IABU, I just need to know how to gauge the situation.

I had a baby on Friday and my 3 children are constantly asking to hold her, one more than the other two.

I'm breastfeeding her and its a case of feeding and then trying to get her to sleep in repetition. I'm currently very sleep deprived.

I will make an effort for them to hold her at least once a day, but it's like a timer of her being unsettled and wanting to feed again. Then the other child wanting to hold her, then the other child.

They are starting to say things like I've only held her once today, and that line is pissing me off. She is not a doll. I have to tell them to not touch her face and to be gentle.

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable and if I should just force myself to let them hold her more, but my instinct is wanting me to not let them hold her at all.

She is too young and doesn't do anything, she wants to feed and sleep and will have occasion waking periods of quietness but its not when they want to hold her.

Today, one of them got the chance to hold her, they come home from school around 4:30pm. But now after the feeding and crying, I just want her to settle. I cant be bothered to do the pass the parcel until she starts crying again and they look at me for help.

The oldest one, my 14 year old son is almost obsessed with holding her. He was going on about it before she was born and was constantly asking if he would be allowed to hold her. I would say of course but he would still be asking again. Today he didn't get to hold her and now he is sulking. He doesn't care that she is settled and it can take me literally hours to get her in that state again.

I want them to be included and to have a bond but I need to ride out these first few weeks or I'm going to lose my mind. I havent slept more than a few hours in days.

I have spoken to them saying that its not going to last forever, be patient. I've been telling them about how she is going to love them when she's bigger and run to them when they come home from school. But for now, be patient.

OP posts:
JC89 · 27/03/2024 22:42

YABU but at day 5 you are probably cluster feeding so it's understandable! Are the older kids about to be on Easter holidays? Hopefully that will mean they are around when baby is in the right mood, or is deep enough asleep that they can be resettled by the child. They will have to learn what they can and can't do (e.g. stop trying to interact with the baby when the baby needs to sleep) but they could be really quite helpful so I would try and keep them onside.

Babyboomtastic · 27/03/2024 22:47

Another one who things you're being unreasonable, sorry. Bf baby here who had plenty of cuddles from other people when not feeding, including her toddler sister (with appropriate support obviously).

Your 14yo is the perfect age to become a great help to you and he can learn to settle baby in the sling whilst you rest.

StarlightLime · 27/03/2024 22:52

How on earth is being held by her big brother "unsettling" her?

Berlinlover · 27/03/2024 22:54

worp · 27/03/2024 21:21

Do all the kids have the same father OP?

😂😂😂

Alloveragain3 · 27/03/2024 22:57

Kindly OP, hormones are a bit skew whiff 5 days post birth, and you may be feeling a bit stressed because of this?

At 5 days old, the baby should be pretty sleepy anyway?

My 4 year old holds my BF baby when he likes (while sitting down and closely supervised). He bursts with pride when he does it, and it's lovely to watch.

If you prefer, why not let them hold the baby when she's "milk drunk" and not yet asleep? Should be a good time, and if she nods off, they can pop her in the crib or hold her longer if they like.

worp · 27/03/2024 23:00

Ok @Berlinlover. OP has said her older children's stance, which is normal and loving, is "pissing" her off. That's not a normal reaction, postpartum or ever. OP has got her golden child it seems

mathanxiety · 27/03/2024 23:01

YANBU.

Tell them again, and with emphasis, that the baby isn't a toy and has needs thst you are trying g to meet. Those needs are - to feed and to sleep and to avoid getting over-stimulated.

Tell them you appreciate they all love the baby, and right now they need to show that love by rolling up their sleeves and pitching in around the house, not by treating the baby like a toy.

Windwwwash · 27/03/2024 23:02

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 27/03/2024 21:15

I think it’s absolutely lovely a 14 yr old lad wants to look after his baby sister.

It’s lovely, but it’s not actually necessarily best for the baby or the mum. My children could grasp at the age of 5 the rough idea that the baby wasn’t a toy, but a delicate person who needed me most of all at that point in their lives. It’s a valuable lesson for a 14 year old to absorb.

There’ll be years and years for the siblings to bond - in these first few weeks don’t be guilted by anyone into ignoring your instincts, OP. x

Nori10 · 27/03/2024 23:04

I BF both of mine and both slept best when held in the initials weeks. Could you not show your 14 yo how to hold her on his chest so she would hopefully settle? Explain it's really important that she sleeps and not to over stimulate her and then praise him for settling her and being calm. He could actually be a huge asset to you if he's shown how to properly handle her. He perhaps just needs gentle guidance and the opportunity to show you he can take instruction and hold her in a way that settles her, rather than stimulates her.

At 5 days old a new sibling is a novelty, one that will likely wear off. It's hard and I do feel for you, but children adjusting to a new sibling can be a tricky time and fawning over a new sister, is better than some other (less favourable) behaviours.

mathanxiety · 27/03/2024 23:05

toomanyy · 27/03/2024 21:39

He can’t look after her, she’s not even one week old and needs her mum and to sleep.

Show quote history

YYY to this.

He could do all sorts of useful helping around the house, though. Or he could take younger siblings out to play ball, or play Barbies, or whatever.

That would let the OP really get a rest and relax a bit.

Liblobloo · 27/03/2024 23:05

Instead of pushing them away and making them feel like they’re an inconvenience let them help! Give them jobs to do and make them feel involved. A new baby is also a huge change for them as well as you. There’s a new balance to be found and your other children need some TLC too

PrincessTeaSet · 27/03/2024 23:07

Hmm I'd be pretty annoyed if someone kept waking up a baby that had just gone to sleep. I think you need to lay down the law - they can only hold the baby if they let her sleep. Poking a newborn to make her cry sounds quite cruel to me. Surely a 14 year old knows better than that? Are you sure they aren't just wanting your attention?

Original poster
Hhaaaa · 27/03/2024 23:14

Its only pissing me off when they complain that they didn't hold the baby enough times that day for long enough. I dont vocalise that its pissing me off.

It is lovely to see them so happy when they are holding the baby but when the baby starts to cry I have to resettle, which I have been doing and then letting the next one hold the baby. She will only settle on the breast atm, so that is not something they can help with. And it's like a timer, if she doesn't sleep after a feed then she will have a small moment of not fussing before she fusses and wants the breast again.

So if I'm really tired and had enough and don't want to be in the cycle. If I see that she's had a good feed and she will sleep so I can nap, then I dont want them disturbing that.

She won't sleep on them, she will sleep on the breast or swaddled in a moses basket. They fight for the same amount of time as the other one got. I cant imagine some of these suggestions if I'm honest and think some people have forgotten the v.early days. To think that some people wouldn't ask to hold and just take and cuddle, like how wouldn't that happen when the baby has finally settled from a cluster feed session.

Right now, she hasn't slept properly since early afternoon I have been cluster feeding, nappy changing and rocking. I have not slept more than a few hours in days and I'm not exaggerating, I want to cry.

I understood about the bonding so I will grit my teeth and let them hold her more.

OP posts:
iLovee · 27/03/2024 23:16

Do you have a partner around for support @Hhaaaa ? X

Original poster
Hhaaaa · 27/03/2024 23:16

He's not poking her to cry he is trying to get a little noise or a windy smile, but he won't let her be. My other children are 13 and 8 so they're all big and want exactly the same as the other.

OP posts:
tennesseewhiskey1 · 27/03/2024 23:19

Fucking hell you can’t win here - kids who don’t care about their siblings are shit, kids who take too much of an interest are shits. Yes - before you say I don’t understand i Bf my babies until they were 2.5, and yes I have two so the older one was obsessed with holding their sibling.

AnnieSnap · 27/03/2024 23:20

Hhaaaa · 27/03/2024 21:55

She is not sleeping when they hold her, she will wake up. They don't hold her and just leave her in their arms they want to stroke her and get reactions out of her. Then she will start crying and I have to resettle her.

The next child lines up for their turn. She is 5 days old. I just need some time to rest.

When she is bigger she will be more settled, atm she is not.

I think if you have a BF baby you will get it more.

This sounds like you have made your mind-up. Perhaps you were asking for support, rather than opinions.

Sasqwatch · 27/03/2024 23:24

They are starting to say things like I've only held her once today, and that line is pissing me off.

Get a grip OP and be grateful your children are excited by their new sibling.

Ponderingwindow · 27/03/2024 23:26

I was expecting you to say they were young children who needed supervision with the baby.

just put them to work changing diapers. It’s a good bonding activity. You can get face to face during the change and talk to the baby. Lots of touch since you always have one hand on the baby for safety. It can be a very interactive process.

arbitary · 27/03/2024 23:30

I was that age when my mother had a baby and I held the baby all the time. I had a really good relationship with them and they adored me. Let the kids be involved. The baby will be fine.

ShalommJackie · 27/03/2024 23:36

@MeganMckennasVibrato 100% but you do you op. Blame everything on breast feeding and then cry when your children don't want to give a shiny shite about their sister

ShalommJackie · 27/03/2024 23:37

@Hhaaaa do you even like your other kids?

heavensakes · 27/03/2024 23:41

Can you get them involved in other ways op? I do get it, I was (and to an extent still am) always reminding my elder ones that DC4 was real and not a doll for their entertainment.

Can your elder ones try to settle baby when she's crying? There's a balance between them giving you and baby space to recover and them not feeling pushed out.

Blueskies3 · 27/03/2024 23:42

You are exhausted, OP. You firstly need a big stretch of sleep.

You need your partner to teach the 3 kids how to settle the baby, how to rock them, what they like, so that when the baby starts crying they have a few different strategies to try before getting you. After all that is what Dads have to do. The kids could be a huge help, but they do need teaching, guidance and support with learning too, they can't be expected to know. And you can't have any more on your plate, so it is up to your partner.

Unfortunately this is what is hard about having subsequent children, taking into account everyone's needs.

Blueskies3 · 27/03/2024 23:43

And what I should have said is none of this is up to you, the Dad has to step up and help navigate the other children's needs/wants etc, not you.