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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting my older children to constantly ask to hold the baby

304 replies

Hhaaaa · 27/03/2024 21:08

I am prepared to be told IABU, I just need to know how to gauge the situation.

I had a baby on Friday and my 3 children are constantly asking to hold her, one more than the other two.

I'm breastfeeding her and its a case of feeding and then trying to get her to sleep in repetition. I'm currently very sleep deprived.

I will make an effort for them to hold her at least once a day, but it's like a timer of her being unsettled and wanting to feed again. Then the other child wanting to hold her, then the other child.

They are starting to say things like I've only held her once today, and that line is pissing me off. She is not a doll. I have to tell them to not touch her face and to be gentle.

I need to know if I'm being unreasonable and if I should just force myself to let them hold her more, but my instinct is wanting me to not let them hold her at all.

She is too young and doesn't do anything, she wants to feed and sleep and will have occasion waking periods of quietness but its not when they want to hold her.

Today, one of them got the chance to hold her, they come home from school around 4:30pm. But now after the feeding and crying, I just want her to settle. I cant be bothered to do the pass the parcel until she starts crying again and they look at me for help.

The oldest one, my 14 year old son is almost obsessed with holding her. He was going on about it before she was born and was constantly asking if he would be allowed to hold her. I would say of course but he would still be asking again. Today he didn't get to hold her and now he is sulking. He doesn't care that she is settled and it can take me literally hours to get her in that state again.

I want them to be included and to have a bond but I need to ride out these first few weeks or I'm going to lose my mind. I havent slept more than a few hours in days.

I have spoken to them saying that its not going to last forever, be patient. I've been telling them about how she is going to love them when she's bigger and run to them when they come home from school. But for now, be patient.

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 28/03/2024 05:58

just tell them, she needs peace now, later you can hold her

TammyJones · 28/03/2024 06:29

pamshamalam · 28/03/2024 00:35

@iLovee I wasn't unkind in my post. I was asking genuine questions. Other posters have said the same before me but you seem to have focused on only my comment. Just because you disagree with something doesn't make it unkind. Maybe that's alien to you?

@pamshamalam
You comment wasn't unkind.
I had a bf baby and he didn't mind being held/ not that the other siblings wanted to...

WhatWouldYouDo25 · 28/03/2024 06:32

It’s amazing to have an older sibling who is interested and can help out. It worked out so well for us, older sibling now plays lots with toddler and helps with little jobs.
You are tired and hormonal which is normal but your older DC sound lovely and caring. Let them
be involved and soon baby can nap on them
or they can play with her while you rest or cook.

TammyJones · 28/03/2024 06:33

Okokokokokplease · 28/03/2024 01:27

My children were 4 and 6 when my youngest was born. They took custody of him and it was fantastic. They literally entertained,chose his clothes and vetted the HV !! Now 24 years later the youngest is the wise sibling!

That's lovely.

LiterallyOnFire · 28/03/2024 06:38

A 14 year old boy does not want to hold his sister because he thinks she's "a doll". He wants to cuddle his sister. Take advantage of the extra pairs of hands and let him help.

mfbx5sf3 · 28/03/2024 06:40

Maybe they love their new sibling and would like to spend time with her too? Does the father get to hold the baby or is it just you? I think you sound very anxious. Maybe speak to your HV about it.

Scrunshine · 28/03/2024 06:43

I strongly suspect these are step kids!

The baby is 5 days old, keeping her constantly on your boob or swaddled is not going to help her self settle. Let the older kids learn how to hold her- unless there is some reason they might not be able to.

ExpectoPatronums · 28/03/2024 06:47

Why can’t the baby sleep while
they're holding her? Babies sleep whilst being held all the time. YABU

mammaCh · 28/03/2024 06:49

They only get to hold baby once a day, I they're lucky? And have to ask?
Please let them get involved. They want to be part of it, don't shut them out. Also, at 14 your son could be immensely helpful, and he actually wants to help.

Busted2006 · 28/03/2024 07:04

Oh ffs some of these replies are ridiculous and quite nasty.

OP has given birth 5days ago, she is probably feeling crap, and let’s just throw in lots of nasty comments to make her feel worse rather than giving constructive advice.

OP, we are having no5 soon and honestly I know my current children with be lining up to hold him- it does get annoying especially when they have just settled. Set some boundaries- only hold for 5mins after she’s been feed so she is settled etc. You do not need to let them hold her whenever they please or when she is unsettled- I wouldn’t care what other parents said they did. Do what works for you and your family.

It is so easy to get overwhelmed, the first few weeks are HARD and despite being on MN it seems like half of the responders have never had a newborn.

I also hate when people say- I would do this/that and if you don’t follow what I would do you are obviously a horrible mother, it’s ridiculous every baby is different, some are easier than others, some never settle (my 3rd) so take your time to get into the flow of things it will all work out and you will find a routine that works for you.

LiterallyOnFire · 28/03/2024 07:13

Busted2006 · 28/03/2024 07:04

Oh ffs some of these replies are ridiculous and quite nasty.

OP has given birth 5days ago, she is probably feeling crap, and let’s just throw in lots of nasty comments to make her feel worse rather than giving constructive advice.

OP, we are having no5 soon and honestly I know my current children with be lining up to hold him- it does get annoying especially when they have just settled. Set some boundaries- only hold for 5mins after she’s been feed so she is settled etc. You do not need to let them hold her whenever they please or when she is unsettled- I wouldn’t care what other parents said they did. Do what works for you and your family.

It is so easy to get overwhelmed, the first few weeks are HARD and despite being on MN it seems like half of the responders have never had a newborn.

I also hate when people say- I would do this/that and if you don’t follow what I would do you are obviously a horrible mother, it’s ridiculous every baby is different, some are easier than others, some never settle (my 3rd) so take your time to get into the flow of things it will all work out and you will find a routine that works for you.

Of course most of us have had newborns. Not all, I'm sure but people without baby experience are less likely to click and comment.

Nobody has suggested that the teens should be able to pick up the baby "whenever they please" and nobody has suggested OP is a horrible mother.

She is exhausted and on edge and maybe a gentle reminder of the bigger picture is what she most needs.

lul1 · 28/03/2024 07:15

It seems a 4th child wasn't right in these circumstances. Your other 3 are older and now you're starting again.

SkyBloo · 28/03/2024 07:18

I genuinely can’t believe that a 14 year old needs to ask permission to hold his baby sister.

This! I remember visiting as a 12 year old when my little cousin was born and i would pace round the room doing the little bob to settle her!! Isn't the whole point that tiny babies are meant to be held by people most of the time so they get passed around a bit while mum eats, uses the loo etc.

SkyBloo · 28/03/2024 07:19

Maybe see it as a source of help, your 14 year old might become an extra person who is able to settle the baby x

Miloandfreddy · 28/03/2024 07:19

I could have written this post myself when my youngest was born. He was an unsettled baby and literally every time I had him settled one of the other kids wanted a hold. It did stress me out and I got the same 'I haven't held him today yet' in my ear constantly. Stand firm and set boundaries. When the baby is older and you need help those kids will be nowhere to be seen lol.

LiterallyOnFire · 28/03/2024 07:19

lul1 · 28/03/2024 07:15

It seems a 4th child wasn't right in these circumstances. Your other 3 are older and now you're starting again.

Nothing like being constructive. 🙄

RedHelenB · 28/03/2024 07:21

FrogsWormsandCaterpillars · 27/03/2024 21:10

I genuinely can’t believe that a 14 year old needs to ask permission to hold his baby sister.
My then 10 year old held her baby sister more than I did I’m sure!

This. I can't believe any mother could be so uptight about her children loving each other And I breastfed all.my children too.

RedHelenB · 28/03/2024 07:22

toomanyy · 27/03/2024 21:39

He can’t look after her, she’s not even one week old and needs her mum and to sleep.

Show quote history

A 14 year old can look after a baby.

Isthisit2 · 28/03/2024 07:22

Are they step children? Just reads like that a bit ..
I bf all of mine and they were all close in age so were interested but couldn’t lift the babies etc. It definitely can be tricky at the start as it’s a long process winding them and settling etc so I think it’s so normal to be exhausting op and obviously as there’s a huge gap if they are all your dcs it means you are older too so normal to be exhausted. The older dcs do sound absolutely lovely. The novelty might wear off once lathe baby is more toddler though!

SkyBloo · 28/03/2024 07:23

Also i bf most of mine and honestly its not sustainable for you as a mum for baby to literally only sleep physically latched on. Have you had her checked for tongue tie? One of mine was a bit like this, once the tongue tie was fixed amd she could more easily get a good feed it was miles better.

SkyBloo · 28/03/2024 07:24

And use them - ask them to hold the baby at a time when it helps you, when you can eat a meal or get a cup of tea, or take a nap, or use the loo.

DiscoBeat · 28/03/2024 07:28

It's a great way for you to be close to your 14 yo as well as get a break and encourage sibling bonding. Let him hold the baby a lot and take the time to show him the best way to settle her. He sounds lovely.

Hownowbrownsheep · 28/03/2024 07:32

Also, YANBU to feel irritated, you are 5 days PP and you can feel whatever you need to feel.

I havent slept more than a few hours in days.

You will far less triggered and more able to tolerate the others if you can get more sleep. Safe bedsharing and side-lying feeding is an absolute life changing saviour.

Also, all kids can be irritating especially when demanding something. Rather than try to explain to them why not (feels dismissive to them), try validating their feelings whilst holding your boundary. 'It feels like you never get to hold her. That sounds tough. You can hold her again when she wakes up in the morning.'

Youdontevengohere · 28/03/2024 07:32

Hhaaaa · 27/03/2024 23:16

He's not poking her to cry he is trying to get a little noise or a windy smile, but he won't let her be. My other children are 13 and 8 so they're all big and want exactly the same as the other.

They’re all old enough to be told not to poke for a reaction, and to do as they’re told. If they can’t do as they’re told, they lose the privileges of holding her. Is the father around? It all sounds very overwhelming for everyone at the moment.

ladyofshertonabbas · 28/03/2024 07:35

Teach him to help you by settling her. Even if it’s so you can have a quick shower, or go to the loo.

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