‘D’P hit stepson

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I've been with my partner for 6 years. We have have a 4 year old and 18 month old together. He also an 11 year old.

Stepson wets the bed, he went to the GP and they said he would grow out of it he would wear drynites but at the start of Feb (just after he turned 11) partner told him he was too old for them and refused to buy them, telling him he'd get bullied in secondary school. I tried to talk to him but he said by buying them he was encouraging him to ‘misbehave’

His mum works shifts so we have him most of the time, it varies when she has him due to her shifts so she mostly takes him out for the day/picks him up from school and gives him his dinner etc.

Just after partner stopped buying the drynites stepson was very upset one morning trying to hide that he'd wet the bed. I helped him change his bedding and didn't tell partner as he was very upset and embarrassed.

He had been doing well and hadn't wet the bed for around 2-3 weeks but this morning he woke up with a wet bed. I wasn't home when he woke up so he attempted to change it himself and was caught by partner. I'd just gotten home and could hear partner shouting at him, telling him he's fed up of the behaviour as he hadn't done it in a while so he's capable of not, said he's attention seeking etc. Stepson was upset and telling him he didn't mean it etc and partner hit him on the arm and told him to do his own washing.

I attempted to help him but was told I was encouraging it and undermining him. Partner doesn't see he's in the wrong for any of this, including the hitting. Using the excuse he was hit much harder as a child.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable for getting involved

What an awful thing to do!! He's not going to be able to shame him out of it.
I would be livid! Does the boys mum know?
Why does he think it's bad behaviour? Does he think stepson is doing it for attention? Did he take him to the doctor the first time? If not maybe having a doctor explain it to him would be helpful. But honestly I'd never be able to look at DP the same way ever again.

Sweets?

The fact that this man knows that his child can't help it because he was in the exact same position himself until he was well into his teens, yet feels it appropriate to shame and hit him makes it even worse.

His excuse is that he will get bullied at school? Not as badly as he's being bullied at home, he's a stain of a man. Tell his mother. Tell school, hopefully somebody somewhere will kick in some safeguarding, as you don't seem to be able to if you're mollified by a bag of sweets.

You need to tell step sons mum, the fact your step son is trying to hide the bed wetting shows that he is anxious and probably embarrassed, his dad then humiliating him over something he can’t control is awful and only going to make the situation worse..

my stepdaughter is 12 and still has accidents in the night, we’ve taken her to the doctors and tbh it’s a lot more common than you would think at his age, people just don’t glorify it due to there age.
Turns out there is a hormone that usually kicks in and helps the urinating at night slow down/stop, she still bedwets, the doctors have said at this stage there’s no concerns and it will be a case of waiting for the hormone to balance out basically.

if his dad makes a big thing about this it will only get worse, stress can cause things such as UTIs etc and if he develops one of these he will also have regular/more accidents at night.

i say to my stepdaughter that if she wants to try and go through the night without any support (I.e the pants you can buy) then that’s her decision and we’ll support her with it, if it turns out she does and has an accident i let her know she can always come to one of us to help sort the sheets out and stuff and I express it isn’t that big of a deal and everyone’s body does things differently.

she originally did try hiding it I.e putting cushions over the wet patch so all we did was have a chat with her to let us know if she had any issues so we can help her.. she did this originally because her mum at home would tell her off over wetting the bed and make out she was just being difficult.. it certainly isn’t the case.

her dad and mum are handling the situation now the same way and she is doing much better, stress and anxiety is going to be triggering this, it’s horrible not being in control of something and then being blamed for it..

I would tell step sons mum, get his dad to sit and speak to step son to explain how wrong his (the dads) behaviour was and that is not how you treat someone,, I’d then expect him to get some anger management.. personally I don’t think I would trust him again after this but that has to be your decision, either way mum has a right to know, step son probably won’t tell her due to fears of being caught doing so, you need to do this for him.. also sweets don’t make up for belittling and humiliation.. nor does it make up for hitting either.

Personally i'd take him aside there and then) out of earshot of step son and make your feelings and boundaries clear. I wouldn't be OK with this for my kids, ever.

I'd then expect him to apologise to his son and not do it ever again. Otherwise, yes I would be talking your step sons mother. I doubt she would allow this either.

There was another thread on this this week.

To put her back in nappies at 6?? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/5035616-to-put-her-back-in-nappies-at-6

OP your DP is despicable.

Your step son CANNOT HELP IT.

Bed wetting is hormonal, he lacks the hormone to control it.

Stress and anxiety don't help either.

I know - I was 14 when it finally stopped.

My mother NEVER made me feel bad about it.

That poor boy.

It doesn’t justify his behaviour but makes sense as to why DP reacted that way. He needs to know that by punishing his son, he’s likely to do it more out of anxiety. He needs to be encouraged no drinks after a certain time, a wee before bed and maybe one of you could wake him for a wee when you go to sleep and let him have the dry nites. I expect once less of an issue is made, it will stop.

What a horrible partner you have, hitting a child cause of wetting the bed. Your ss can't help it. Please buy him the pads so he can stay dry. I'm a mother of a 15 ds, he also bed wets, I know its out of his control, I don't scream or hit him because of this. Do not punish him it will only make matters worse. Poor boy

Obviously not right to hit his son but there is a lot of psychological evidence that times we had trauma as children are the times that we get angry as a parent because it's making us relive that unresolved childhood trauma. He should get some therapy to address this so it doesn't happen again.

Your husband is an abusive cunt.

My god. I’d be so ashamed to be married to someone who behaved like that. He will treat your poor children that way.

Despicable.

Has he told stepson what he told you about his experience as a child? If not he should, that will help the SS not feel so ashamed and alone, and they can address the emotions of it together.

This 100%

If your partner accepts this is his problem not his son’s and accesses help to process his issue then you have a fighting chance.

What an awful father he is, if I were you I would be buying and supplying the drynight pants to your step son every night before bed.

This, exactly. That is shockingly nasty and cruel behaviour by your partner. What a horrible cunt. Your poor stepson! I would tell his mum and let her decide whether she wants to leave her son with an abusive father. You should also take steps to protect your own children.

That's awful. Poor lad. I wet the bed till I was his age and it can often be due to anxiety and trauma. If his parents have split up when he was a child and now he's essentially being abused for wetting the bed, it's no wonder it's continuing.

Just as a suggestion that might be helpful for him to manage his bed wetting discreetly, my mum used to have a clean cotton sheet on the bed, then on top she'd put a plastic sheet (or even an empty bin bag laid flat!) and then another cotton sheet on top. Then when I'd wake up wet, she'd just have to whip off the wet sheet and plastic sheet, and there would be a clean dry sheet underneath ready to go. It was for efficiency back then but might help him manage with wet sheets in the night.

It's such a terrible position for you to be in. Could you have a quiet word with his mum? Good luck xx

Ahh that's really sad, my daughter is 9 an has wet the bed pretty much every night forever, back an forth with doctors an hospital for tests she has daytime/nocturnal bladder incontinence an she is mortified every morning, we have thick hospital sheets to protect the mattress an sheets , but she would be absolutely devastated if I blamed her for it, I feel very sorry for stepson be doesn't choose to do this xxx

My second DS was 8 before he was dry! It was never his fault, never any anger or shame for him.

It's so sad for the SS!

Oh fuck off does he scream and hit a child because he doesn't want them to be bullied. It's abuse pure and simple. You were already minimising things when you went along with banning the overnight pants and helping the child hide the laundry. Now you aren't sure what to do? Tell the boy's mother, tell the school safeguarding lead, tell his GP. Tell whoever you need to get this to stop. Poor poor boy.

You should tell him he needs to do a whole lot more than that, and that currently the biggest risk to this child’s future is trauma from how he was parented by your ‘d’p. Tell him you are reconsidering your relationship unless he can fix his parenting
he needs to book professional help, and he needs to be honest with his child about where his anger came from and he commits to being nothing but supportive. He buys him some drynites for this conversation as a sign he takes back everything he’s said.

Look, I’ve been in an abusive marriage that started with little things I tried to minimise.

They got bigger and I left.

You know you’re in a vulnerable financial position, so it’s evident that you’re going to let him pretend it never happened. Until next time.

You need to tell the boy’s mum, or you’re colluding with the abuse. And you need to find a way to leave him.

Please work out what you would get in child support and benefits if you were to leave him. I think he sounds awful, hitting his poor ds who will now be even more anxious.

This is honestly one of the worst things I've read on here. An 11 year old already is filled with utter shame about this. He doesn't need anymore from his father.

Also, I'm pretty sure he's lying about the g.p. There's no way they would be able to diagnose that as 'not medical.' There are tablets that are routinely prescribed as well as a whole host of other things. I'm assuming he's tried tablets, alarms, upping fluid intake, been investigated for constipation etc before DP has resorted to shame and hitting.

Report that shit pronto and make sure the mum knows.

Get DSS to see GP and keep that man away from your own DC.

I can sympathise in a way as my DS used to wet the bed and I got him to help with changing the bedding so he 'was part if the solution'. However, clumping him was never an option. What a pig!

Your partner is an abusive disgusting animal.

Awful and shows how ignorant your partner is. Bed wetting stops when hormones kick in so this isn’t a deliberate behaviour. There are also tablets from the dr for bed wetting. And why would he tell anyone at secondary school about his bed wetting? X

Your partner is ignorant and abusive. The boy can’t help wetting the bed, he isn’t lazy or dirty, or seeking attention. It’s an hormonal thing, his body isn’t producing the hormone that wakes him up.
How do I know this? Because I was a bed wetter until I was a teen. The difference is my parents didn’t shame me or abuse me for it. It stopped spontaneously when I was 14. Back then there wasn’t much anyone could do but there is help nowadays.
The boy needs support, not shaming. Her certainly does not deserve this, poor boy. Do have a good relationship with his mum, could you speak to her about your concerns? She really needs to know.
. He needs help.