‘D’P hit stepson

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I've been with my partner for 6 years. We have have a 4 year old and 18 month old together. He also an 11 year old.

Stepson wets the bed, he went to the GP and they said he would grow out of it he would wear drynites but at the start of Feb (just after he turned 11) partner told him he was too old for them and refused to buy them, telling him he'd get bullied in secondary school. I tried to talk to him but he said by buying them he was encouraging him to ‘misbehave’

His mum works shifts so we have him most of the time, it varies when she has him due to her shifts so she mostly takes him out for the day/picks him up from school and gives him his dinner etc.

Just after partner stopped buying the drynites stepson was very upset one morning trying to hide that he'd wet the bed. I helped him change his bedding and didn't tell partner as he was very upset and embarrassed.

He had been doing well and hadn't wet the bed for around 2-3 weeks but this morning he woke up with a wet bed. I wasn't home when he woke up so he attempted to change it himself and was caught by partner. I'd just gotten home and could hear partner shouting at him, telling him he's fed up of the behaviour as he hadn't done it in a while so he's capable of not, said he's attention seeking etc. Stepson was upset and telling him he didn't mean it etc and partner hit him on the arm and told him to do his own washing.

I attempted to help him but was told I was encouraging it and undermining him. Partner doesn't see he's in the wrong for any of this, including the hitting. Using the excuse he was hit much harder as a child.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable for getting involved

You need to show him the ERIC website and read it yourself

https://eric.org.uk/childrens-bladders/bedwetting/

You also need to know that supermarkets give over precious shelf space to pull ups for older girls and boys because there is a need for it. FFS, I am so angry on your SS's behalf to have his Dad treat him this way. Lots of children wet the bed. Your SS is not alone. Ds1 was year 6 before he was completely dry at night, we did everything on the ERIC website to help him, but we never treated him like shit for doing it.

Woooh harsh on the working mother there, that's uncalled for!

GP … nah, he needs a referral to specialist clinic

Not at all. I'm a working Mum and my child will always be with me.

There is a special place in hell waiting for this despicable cunt, and I hope he burns.

Meanwhile, get yourself and your children away from him, it's you and them next. Get some professional support, don't keep his dirty secret for him, tell people and get the support you need, he is a vile excuse for a human.

Definitely alert stepson’s mum as he should not be staying with his dad at all now. His dad is a vile, abusive bully.
If I was his mum I would be stopping all overnight contact with immediate effect as his dad can’t cope/ abuses him if he wets the bed. He shouldn’t have to put up with a reaction like that from his parent.

Without you he would have had nobody to reassure him, help him and stick up for him. You are the reason why sometimes having a stepmum (ie another adult in the household to witness the father’s parenting), is sometimes a godsend for the child.

All of this. This man is doing untold damage to his son.

What a twat.
My oldest DS was bed wetting until age 9ish. I got him referred to specialist clinic and in his case it was as a result of a further complications with his bowel causing pressure on his bladder especially when relaxed causing bed wetting.

You need to tell the child’s mother about the abuse. Tell her you will testify in court as needed.

then file for divorce.

I would be pissing the bed if I lived with someone who hit me...
Poor kid must be terrified.

That poor boy and poor you too. My DH was bullied by his parents for wetting the bed, and has never forgotten how they chose to humiliate and shout at him rather than help him. He has no contact at all with them now. Your partner would do well to remember that his son will never, ever forget how he was treated.

thats deplorable behaviour. A lot of older bed wetting can be caused by anxiety.

what is going to happen to your own children with him if hes already used the “i was hit harder” trope. - firm believer you cant hit anyone, especially children, and then tell them you still love them. What would happen if it happened again and your other DC witnessed what is physical abuse.

Bloody hell. Your partner is abusive, op. Your poor stepson. Does he have a decent mother at least?

I would imagine if your DC has special needs, then your husband will likely abuse them one day too. You need to protect all three children and report this.

Your SS is likely anxious living in an abusive household.

If you do not report this, and then decide to leave your DH will get unsupervised access to your children.

Until you do something about this, you are an accomplice.

I think your comment is a massive stretch. The op had said nothing like this happened before and she's trying to explain generally he is a good dad. Also with all due respect most ppl don't leave their partners because they struck their child on the arm once so cut the op some slack. There are massive red flags and the op is trying to figure out what to do that's why she's asked for some advice. Op I think you need to alert the boys mum immediately and I mean now and ensue he's not left alone with your partner until you and the boys mum decide what to do , also even if your partner instructs you not to help the boy clean up you must absolutely help him. You're an adult in the home and your support must lie with your step son. The safety of that child must be your priority. If partner doesn't like it and you are worried for safety call the police.

He isn't a 'good dad' or even 'an ok dad'

He's abusive and has shown his violent side

You need to report this

Your partner is probably the cause.

That poor boy.

His dad is meant to protect him.

Please get him some drynites, bedwetting at this age is more common than we think, my little sister did, another family member did quite late, he used to stay with us a lot, we got him drynites and left them in a cupboard so he could deal with it privately, without any embarrassment.

Your husband is a disgrace and should be ashamed

My DSis wet the bed well into teens. It was only when my DF left that the bed wetting stopped. Literally overnight. DF was an overbearing arsehole of a man.

@Stuckinthemiddle7890 incorrect. She wrote that her boyfriend thinks the child.is doing it for attention, showing he has never bothered to educate himself in his child's development. He is a bully. He would not take his child to the GP. Even without the assault, he cannot be described as a good father and it's disturbing that OP thinks he is.

No one should be with a child abuser.
@Ponderingwindow he's just a boyfriend.

OP, this is an indication of how he will treat your own children. Do not ignore it. Also, for the sake of your poor step son please tell the mother about the verbal and physical absuse.

Perhaps if you can, seek professional help, (rather than rely on some "demonstrably" unconcious opinions and judgements) that have no context. It sounds like considered help is needed. I am sorry you are in this situation and hope you find resolution.

Awful behaviour OP. Your DH will make your stepson distressed and anxious. He is a bully and I would tell your steps sons Mother what has happened.
My younger dc wets the bed. He is 12. He can go a week without any accidents and then wake up to wet sheets. We use drynites and change the bed. DH and I would never be angry as it is something our ds will grow out off. He doesnt do it on purpose, doesnt drink for a couple of hours before bedtime and goes to the bathroom before going to sleep. It is one of those things. My DH used to wet the bed around the same age and his father use to get irritated by it. It made my DH anxious.

I was a very late bedwetter, probably until about 12. I got shouted at for it a lot. I was taken to the doctor eventually and given some very effective medicine...but all the shouting and shaming made me extremely embarrassed to go to the doctors, I thought going to the doctors was a punishment.

When I went on sleepovers or went on holiday as a child, I used to try to stay awake all night.

My mum still recalls how sorry she felt for me, and it really upset her one morning when we'd been camping and she found me trying to wash my own sleeping bag in the sink in the communal block of toilets (I'd clearly fallen asleep that night). But the reason I was doing that was to try and hide it from her.

your partner is an abusive cunt. Please tell this poor child’s mother what his ‘father’ is doing.

Do you get dla for your child with SEN? You might be surprised by how much support you'll get via UC - including rent if you don't own a house.
If your dp has only ever known a similar reaction from his own parents then he might need help building a new set of parenting skills. I feel sick about how he's dealt with it - but it does smack of a lack of understanding and desperation. That's not an excuse.
Tell his mum. Ask her to make Dr appt. Report to social services. Ask school for early help referral.
I worry about your dss having to leave the house and feeling like he's been rejected.