My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

[Cofffffeeeplease]

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

Families are very different though aren't they @Janiie ? We're a close family and yes, she would have been devastated. She would never have asked him to miss his competition, but he didn't want to miss her birthday either.

As you say flexibility is an important life skill, for children too, as is understanding that other people are important too. I don't believe that children should get everything they want, whenever they want it either.

Either way, it didn't hold him back with his sport and given that my mum died 6 months later, I know it's not a decision he resents.

Let her go and go out for Sunday lunch instead! Don’t know why this is hard to think of! 🤯

Tell me you haven't RTFT without telling me you haven't RTFT.

Would completely agree with DH here. Good compromise to arri ve after eventnis finished. As a grandparent who has had her ' big birthday' I would suggest its up to Grandma to give this her blessing.

@Cofffffeeeplease what did you go with, in the end?

I think you should ask your mother how she would feel about DD and DH missing the dinner. If she says "oh of course she should do the show" then she does the show. If not, then I think DD and DH need to do the dinner. 70th birthday dinners with your family don't come round very often and I think it is important to mark these occasions together. There will be (and have been) more school gymnastic events. You all have a prior commitment to the dinner so you just say she can't do it.

I've read your later message now. I honestly think that if you feel your mother would feel she had to give her blessing but would be really disappointed, then you don't mention it to her and let the dinner go ahead as planned. With only 10 of you for a special occasion, then two missing is a big deal. Would be different if it was a huge party. Or conversely, if it was always just a casual drop-in birthday with nothing special planned. Your daughter is only 11, I imagine she will forget about it pretty quickly.

I don't know whether it makes any difference to my perspective, but my mother didn't make it until 70. And when my parents/grandparents did have big birthdays or wedding anniversaries then we had lovely family occasions to mark them.

Let you DH do his plan, if she has put so much work into the performance she deserves to do it. She will remember that show, she is less likely to remember a birthday meal.

@Cofffffeeeplease

what has happened on this? Did the party go well? Did your DH & DD attend the meal?