My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

[Cofffffeeeplease]

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

That's a good question.

Purely a guess but I wonder if they get the venue cheap if they book last minute.

But whatever the Op knew the show was happening, the girl has been working for it. I would think differently if it was a playdate or another low effort event. But not something involving a team and teachers time.

Why not compromise?

Can a friend at gymnastics not take your daughter. Your dh is being a prick though.

But why is the rule that the grandmothers birthday can only be celebrated between the hours of eg mid day and 7.30pm on the actual day and anything else is somehow disrespectful?

It will still be her birthday at 9pm.and it is possible to celebrate birthdays before and after the event instead of, or preferably as well as on the day. Its not as if they are going to ignore her birthday completely!

My dad's birthday was the day before DDs. The year she was born I'm pretty sure we didn't do anything to celebrate on the day. In subsequent years we sometimes had a family get together to celebrate both....

But if that's the case then I think they should be working on the basis that it's great if the kids can make it but no big deal if they can't.

If the OP didn't know when the show was happening, it's not reasonable to expect her not to commit to anything else in the general time window of when the show might happen. If the teacher's time and the team's efforts are that important, these shows need to be better organised.

Apparently once the meal has ended that's it. Birthday celebration over, hometime, that's it folks.

Well, according to a couple of posters. Where most of us would make a big birthday last a couple of days and food, celebrations can be dipped in and out of.

That I can't answer my only guess is something to do with getting thr venue cheap or free booking at the last minute.

Would people be so blàse about missing the show if Op had paid for the coaching sessions and paid for her outfit etc.

I don’t think anyone is saying it can only be celebrated then, just that the meal is the “main event” and has already been booked, before the date of the show was known.

If you accept an invitation to an event, it’s rude then to bin it off for a better offer or turn up late, after the main part is over, I’m shocked some people don’t think that, surely that’s basic manners.

Your daughter isn't taking part in a competition so there is no reason she can't miss the show. She will have other shows she can take part in but this a family celebration that won't be repeated for many years, if ever. Surely every one your weekends are not dictated by an 11 year olds hobby. Give and take is a lesson that has to be learned.

How would people feel if they had booked a birthday party for their child on a certain day, paid for venue / entertainment / food. 20 kids had replied to say yes to the invite, and then a week or so before most cancelled because the school gymnastics group had said actually we’re doing the show that day?

The school are in the wrong here being so casual about it. Therefore it is clearly not that big a deal.

So the usual argument of 'it's not the winning its taking part' is well out of the window?
"Well dd you're not going to win a shiny medal/trophy so no point in this one!"

I'm so surprised by these replies.

We had a hotel gathering for my mum's 80th and 70th. It's hard to get a venue and date sorted that suits everybody. These are precious memories and with each milestone birthday for that generation the probability of celebrating another decreases significantly.

I would have been upset with my siblings if they prioritised something like this and I wouldn't do it with my own child. It's one of many gymnastics shows, not her getting through to the final. I also don't think it's too soon for them to learn about compromise and sacrifice for loved ones.

What I would recommend however is involving your daughter in the decision. It sounds so far as if all discussion has been between you and DH. Could you sit down and talk to her about it, make sure she knows how proud you are of her etc.

Hmm, really difficult. In general I think that kids need to understand that when you've committed to something you stick to it and you don't let others down, even if something better comes up. That seems to be a value that is increasingly rare and I think our world is the worse for it.

That said, if she's been practicing for months without being told when the performance will be, perhaps you could say that she committed to the performance before your mum's b-day was arranged and that should take priority. It's not her fault that the organisation of the performance is so flakey.

Do you know if that was the case?

Ideally you'd have said at the begining, 'remember that we've committed to x so unfortunately if it lands on that day, as frustrating as that will be, you wouldn't be able to perform.' But hindsight is 20/20 etc.

And I agree with @Ohnodontwantthiscrush that your daughter should be part of the discussion - she might understand that only one of these events is a one-time-only deal.

OP, you are right, family come first.
So prioritise your own little family.
Your dd is right to want to take part in this event she has been practising for with her team mates. Your DH is right in wanting to prevent her being upset by this especially when it’s evident she can still join the party at 9pm.
Your DM will surely support her GD in this decision.

It can still be special for your mum. She will be so proud of her GD rushing in to give her a birthday hug at 9pm and telling her all about the show.

These complications happen in real life ( as opposed to the sentimental perfect version you wish the party to be for her)
Don’t prevent your mum the opportunity to use that stoicism for a few hours.

Kids come first. Always.
adult birthdays are a nonsense but especially so if they are used to triangulate or to negatively impact kids.

the compromise proposed is entirely reasonable. The OP places her brother and mother above her children.

no kids do not always come first
this is the problem with society

I agree with your DH your DD has to be priority I have had to leave early or miss family events including a funeral as my DS have had things they needed to attend it means a lot to them.

Totally agree but you've got me thinking which birthdays / who's birthdays do I really remember?

My 21 & 40 - no memories of my 30
My brother 40th
My mum's 50th 65th and 70th. No clue about her 60th.
My dad's 65th, no memories of his 70th.
My parents 50th anniversary.

I don't remember any Grandparents big birthdays other than a 90th. But I do remember their big wedding anniversaries, 40th, 50th and 60th.

'Kids come first. Always.'

Fucking hell.

What a load of crap.

Raising spoilt little pricks (not talking about OP's situation) is not actually doing the right thing by your children.

I have zero doubts that my own mother, who is now 80, would have insisted her granddaughter perform in her show, especially after all her hard work and practice. She'd probably also insist on moving the meal and coming to see the show if that was an option. If not, she'd happily sit down and watch the video of her performance with her when she arrived later in the evening.

Let your daughter perform. Your mother knows she is loved. Have your DH film it. She can sit with her granddaughter later that evening and watch her performance together.

I think you need to prioritize your daughter, who has put work and training into something. Not doing that as a parent sends a terrible message as she's about to start the stage of life where education and results really matter.

She'll still see granny on her her birthday with your husband's plan, and any grandparent worth their salt would want their grandchild to do the show.

Edit: spelling

That's not the point being made at all.

The grandmother's birthday doesn't have to be celebrated in a particular very narrow time window. It's just that that is when it is being celebrated. A plan has been made, involving ten people, and a deposit has been paid. So either ten people have to be inconvenienced and potentially money lost in order for the OP's DD to be able to do her gymnastics show and attend her grandmother's birthday, or the grandmother doesn't get to have her granddaughter present for her 70th birthday celebration.

All of this could have been avoided if the people organising the gymnastics show had given adequate notice.

If more parents said, "Sorry, can't do that date, we have a prior commitment", they might have to start being more reasonable.

Agreed. You can witness the negative effects of this attitude in every classroom in every school.

Spoiled, entitled brats who think the fucking world revolves around them.

@Cofffffeeeplease your mums birthday can be floated, even if it means 2 separate celebration (one for you and your family and one for your brothers) your daughter can't get this experience back.

Her mum can’t get her 70th birthday back either.