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Original poster

My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

459 replies

Cofffffeeeplease · 27/03/2024 11:24

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

OP posts:
Harassedmum123 · 27/03/2024 11:42

The re’s no way my mum would want her granddaughter to miss a show with her school friends for a 70th birthday. I think she should do the show.

NoraLuka · 27/03/2024 11:43

Husband’s suggestion is a good compromise, especially if it might be DD’s last gymnastics show. It can be quite difficult to keep teenagers doing sport no matter how sporty they were as children, so it’s probably worth showing support now.

EasterBunnny · 27/03/2024 11:43

You go to see your DM and DH stays home and takes DD to do the show.

Saymyname28 · 27/03/2024 11:43

Any grandparent worth their salt wouldn't want their grandchild to miss out on a show they'd been working for for the sake of a birthday dinner.

DappledThings · 27/03/2024 11:45

Saymyname28 · 27/03/2024 11:43

Any grandparent worth their salt wouldn't want their grandchild to miss out on a show they'd been working for for the sake of a birthday dinner.

Also agree with your DH's plan. Would you mum really be upset about her granddaughter and son-in-law missing a dinner when her actual daughter and other family are there? And they aren't missing it entirely, they'll just be late. And presumably around the next day.

I don't see this as a particularly big deal.

Pippa12 · 27/03/2024 11:46

I think I’d ask the grandparent? Birthday are a big deal in my family- but I think my mum would say to do the show. I’d ask her, then it’ll put your mind at ease. It’s so unreasonable they only give you 2 weeks notice, I wonder how many others can’t perform!

Lemsipper · 27/03/2024 11:48

ERMMM you need to prioritise your daughter’s show.

Lord help me if ive reached the ripe old age of 70 and I would priorities my birthday over my granddaughter having achievements and building confidence in the world.

Tell your mum you will celebrate another day.

Original poster
Cofffffeeeplease · 27/03/2024 11:48

Thanks all so much for your thoughts - so helpful. We’re a small family (10 all in, so 2 missing people really feels significant) and my mum hasn’t been well lately - but she’s very stoic. The thing is I know she’d also say to do the show but would actually be disappointed at the missed opportunity for everyone to have a meal together. And I think my brother would feel bewildered at my priorities. I feel extremely conflicted as I’d also love my daughter to do her show but feel family comes first (birthday meal organised for months - show is the late addition). Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
PeatandDieselfan · 27/03/2024 11:48

Have you asked your daughter what she wants to do? I would go with your husband's suggestion. Then stay over at/nearby your mum's on Saturday night and plan something nice for Sunday.

Blarn · 27/03/2024 11:49

Yes, what your dh suggested makes sense. I missed the last summer fair of Primary school because of an event my dad had. It was important to him and his parents and PIL went too as well us us but I wish that they would have got a friend to take me to the fair (nearly 30 years ago now!). If your dd has been working hard for this and it is potentially the last time she will get to do something like this with this group of friends.

Explain the reason to your mum and maybe have cake and a tea party on the Sunday to still include her in celebrations for your mum's birthday.

WaltzingWaters · 27/03/2024 11:50

Let Dd do her show, especially if it’s her last in primary school/with that group. She’ll still get to see her grandmother and your mum is old enough to know and be proud of the fact your Dd has made a commitment to this gymnastics group.
could the plans be altered so you do the dinner, or brunch/lunch, on the sunday?

waterrat · 27/03/2024 11:51

I would really let your daughter do her activity - she trained for it! she wants to get the fun and enjoyment and new experience.There are many meals you can have as a family - or could you change the 'big meal' to the sunday

I really don't think a family meal on one particular day should come bfore something - it is so so hard to get kids active and busy and everything that encourages them to want to be social and do sport - should be prioritised.

think of how that may sustain her during teen years - you want to really encourage her to keep at her sport.

My son plays football and the tournaments/ matches are what keep him focused!

MadamVastra · 27/03/2024 11:52

Yes you're right op YOUR family comes first. Your daughter is your family

Blarn · 27/03/2024 11:52

Also, I would feel completly conflicted with this too. Of all the weekends!

waterrat · 27/03/2024 11:53

can't you string out the birthday plans so that there is a breakfast or lunch the next day?

If you are all travelling presumably this is a weekend event?

Tbh I would really hope an adult of 70 could see that for a child something like this is what motivates and keeps them enjoying their hobbies - life is so hard and joyless for modern kids a lot of the time (schools so focused on formal learning etc) - this is the stuff to really encourage children with

Ponoka7 · 27/03/2024 11:53

My GC chose to do a choir performance on her own birthday, these things are important to children and builds commitment in them. Realistically every birthday could be our last. I agree that your DH takes her and she joins later. 70's used to be a big deal because so few people reached that age. I'm into celebrating birthdays, but children don't have to miss out on things.

RitaIncognita · 27/03/2024 11:54

The late notice is really irritating, but as a grandmother, although I would be disappointed of course, I would be more upset if my grandchild were forced to come to my party and miss something this important to her. I think your DH's solution is a good one.

MissAdelaide · 27/03/2024 11:54

I’d go with your husband’s plan. 70th birthdays aren’t really any more significant than 69th and 71st birthdays, except for the marketing hype.

Howaboutthats · 27/03/2024 11:55

MindHowYouGoes · 27/03/2024 11:27

I’d let your DH do what he’s suggested. Do a cake and happy birthday after your dd gets there.

your mum is old enough to accept that compromise with good grace

This

EmilyPlay · 27/03/2024 11:55

I'm sure your mum would rather her granddaughter did her show.

Goldx2 · 27/03/2024 11:56

Cofffffeeeplease · 27/03/2024 11:24

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

There will be plenty of shows your daughter can take part in in the future. Your mum might not have that many birthdays!

PuttingDownRoots · 27/03/2024 11:56

Your daughter is family. Recognising what is important to her is prioritising family too.

PrimalLass · 27/03/2024 11:59

Let your DH bring her up after the show. Her priorities matter too.

maltravers · 27/03/2024 12:00

A big Sunday lunch in addition is surely the answer, then your DD can do both the show and respect and celebrate Grandma’s birthday.

Maray1967 · 27/03/2024 12:02

PuttingDownRoots · 27/03/2024 11:30

Many grandmothers would be devastated their grandchildren missed a performance just for their birthday party.b

Agreed. I would want my GD to do the show and come up afterwards and be there the next day. Your DH has offered a great solution and your DM is being very self centred if she is upset.