My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

[Cofffffeeeplease]

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

I am genuinely staggered about the amount of people who are saying 'prioritise your DD'

A milestone birthday, which has been in the diary for months and has a chunky deposit paid for by a family who rarely gets together due to living far apart DOES usurp a poorly organised, casual gymnastics event.

The only thing OP could have done is be clear from when the 70th was booked that this event is prioritised over other clashes.

I remember both my Grans' 70ths - they were great parties. They also had 80ths, however, both of them were frailer and they were more 'pop round the house for a cup of tea and a piece of cake' affairs.

Just to think about your DD - Y6 there are loads of 'lasts,' some count more than others e.g. PGL, leavers disco / party, yearbook. Once they've done SATs in May, it's more or less a doss.

All the people talking about compromise seem to have missed that the "compromise" is the daughter and dad turning up at 9pm! That's pretty much bedtime for older people (and lots of people on here) and therefore isn't a compromise.

I missed whether the meal is lunch or dinner, but if lunch then that would mean they missed everything so it's not in any way a compromise.

If it's dinner then that might work as long as it's a late dinner but they still won't be turning up till dessert at the earliest.

It's basically really rude. The celebration was booked first. I can't get over how selfish so many posters on this thread are.

All the people talking about compromise seem to have missed that the "compromise" is the daughter and dad turning up at 9pm! That's pretty much bedtime for older people (and lots of people on here) and therefore isn't a compromise.
And being there overnight and for the rest of the weekend. Its a perfectly reasonable compromise. My parents in their 70s don't go to bed till about midnight. 9 would be about halfway through main course for them for a special dinner.

All the people talking about compromise seem to have missed that the "compromise" is the daughter and dad turning up at 9pm! That's pretty much bedtime for older people (and lots of people on here) and therefore isn't a compromise.
How's it a 'compromise' to totally miss the performance?

I know quite a few people in their 70s still working past 9pm some evenings.

To suggest 70yos are elderly and need an early bedtime is quite insulting really.

It's not about compromising.

The two events clash, therefore one must take priority.

I'm surprised how many people think a gymnastics show which is in no way a one off and was planned two weeks in advance should take priority over a grandmother's 70th birthday which is a longstanding arrangement.

How is it selfish? It wouldn't be them doing the gymnastics, it would be the child. She loses either way

@MissScarletInTheBallroom probably because the birthday could be rearranged and the gymnastics couldn't. Arent parents and grandparents meant to be selfless? Its a shame the 2 events clash and the gymnastics has been poorly organized, however thats not the child's fault.

@Concannon88

The DD doesn't 'lose' - she gets to celebrate her GM 70th birthday with her family who rarely get together as they live far apart.

She gets to understand that certain events are more important than others.

She will have a great memory with her GM, who will, sorry to be harsh, statistically be likely to die in the next 11 years.

Genuinely can't understand why a shit local gymnastics event would be more important than that

The OP has said the birthday can't be rearranged because they've got a meal for 10 people booked and they've paid a substantial deposit.

Honestly, it will not be the end of the world if the child misses one gymnastics show. There will be others.

Perhaps the OP and her husband could find a better organised club for their daughter to join next year if this is going to keep happening.

I have never, in my 66 years, met anyone over the age of seven who would go to bed at 9pm 😆😆😆. I don't know anyone who goes to bed before midnight, and from the people I know, the older you get, the later you go to bed because you don't have to get up very early every morning.

I think the daughter coming later with her dad is a real able compromise, but don't see why the daughter can't go to her event with a friend and stay with them for the night so thst the OP's husband can go to the meal. But if they get to the restaurant by 9, there's no reason to assume that they would have missed the starter and main course - when I go out for a meal with my husband or friends, we would never book for earlier than 8.30 and usually 9.

I’d totally say a family birthday get together trumps a show but don’t get the short notice if the show date

Agree, young people having a voice, passions and agency is the reason this country is going to the dogs.

Children should be seen and not heard and forced to adhere to the schedule of a pensioner who is getting precious about a birthday after already having had 69 of them.

Such outdated nonsense, it isn't the post war 1950s - thankfully as shown on this thread the majority of people have updated their worldview in line with the times, hence why the world is a much better place than it was a generation ago - rose tinted spectacles on this thread aside

The discussion is valueless anyway as undoubtedly the grandmother would want the child to do the show - which one can be pretty certain means more to them than a sit down meal for a 70 year old where they probably wouldn't even talk to each other

Life is about experiences, not about invented milestone birthdays where the number of people sat at a table at one particular hour suddenly is more important than your own children

'Genuinely can't understand why a shit local gymnastics event would be more important than that'

Because the dc has put a lot of effort into preparing and she will still see grandma just a bit later on. That's if grandma doesn't go to bed at 8pm or dies as she is 70 and ancient, 2 things that could well happen apparently.

Regardless of who was responsible for scheduling events, your DD's reality is that she has been practising for this show for ages and in doing so she has demonstrated HER commitment to it, whenever it ultimately took place.

How often do we see kids being criticised for not showing any commitment to a sport/activity - particularly where there are other team mates involved - yet when there is a child who IS committed, the second it is not convenient for the adults, the activity is suddenly trivialised and unimportant, with the bold assumption the child will give it up anyway.

No wonder kids drop out of things when they practice for ages for something only to be pulled from the very thing they have been practising for. It may just be a trivial primary school show to you but to her - it is almost certainly much more. She may well have been practising/mastering a new skill specially for this show. Even if she hasn't - she has still been working hard and practising diligently. Be careful not to send the message that there is no point in working hard for something because in the end, it gets trivialised and it never happens.

Your DH's solution is the way to go. Personally if I were the GM I'd be wanting to relocate my celebration to go cheer on my GD at her show, but in this scenario, I'd be fine with her attending her gymnastics event and coming later. If anything I'd be praising her commitment to her sport and her team. I don't care whether it's a primary school show or the Olympics - it's a bloody hard sport that takes a LOT of work and practice, not to mention guts (and I don't care if her current skill level amounts to walking along a beam and jumping off the end of it!). Don't dismiss it/trivialise it. Let her do her show then have her DH bring her to join the party.

This

It would be really unusual for a grandparent to put themselves before something the child has practising for. Are you sure your mum would want your daughter to lose out on something like this that she's worked hard for?

I think if you insist she goes she's learning that her hard work has no value and things can just be taken from her

That wasn't mentioned in the original post, and having a meal booked doesn't mean it can't be rearranged, or go with what the dad has suggested.

It won't be the end of the world if the gran floats her birthday or has 2 members missing.

I agree regarding the club, however that won't help them currently.

Surely your mum would understand? I’d prioritise her event over a birthday meal.

I reckon the OP's husband just wants a "get out of dinner with the in laws free" card.

The OP is very clear about the fact that it's too late to rearrange the birthday.

Other than her mother being on her death bed, I really can't see how its too late to rearrange it. I think she already knows what the she wants to do and doesn't really want advice, just wants backing up.

Because there are ten people and a hefty deposit involved.

If you want the world to revolve around a kids' gymnastics show then you need to put it in the diary more than two weeks ahead of time. It sounds like a pretty casual thing that the OP's husband is pretending is super important because he'd like to get out of the dinner.

As someone who will turn 70 this summer I am fascinated by the idea that the OP's mother is in her dotage and will need to go to bed at 9pm! 70 really isn't that old these days. I live a very full and active life and I have always been a night owl and very seldom go to bed before midnight.

And FWIW my mother who will be 95 this year is just the same. I have no doubt she will be celebrating into the early hours at her birthday party in a few months.

All her children and grandchildren will be there, not because there is a 3 line whip but because we all love her to bits and appreciate everything she has done for us over the years. But if someone couldn't be there, mum would completely understand and not make them feel bad. In this case OP's daughter is not going to miss the birthday weekend. There is a perfectly decent compromise available here. Just go for it and make lovely memories together.

Totally agree the DD does her show, and she and her dad come to the party after, so no one is missing out as far as I can see. The DH doesn’t get on get with op’s mum anyway, so is happy to miss the meal. Wins all round.

Yes as I said in my previous comment, they could rearrange for separate meals so the brother isn't inconvenienced, I've never had trouble rearranging a meal with a deposit with a few weeks notice.

I dont think the world is revolving around the gymnastics, if it was she wouldn't be posting, it would already be decided. However the little girl is excited and has been practicing and its an enjoyed hobby and the last of its kind for her year group. I'm sure the mother is more capable of managing her expectations and disappointment than a primary school child.

I think you are using the dads dislike of the mother as an excuse, he can be bothered about the gymnastics in its own right. Its also acceptable for him to want to put his daughter first, above his mother in law.

If I ever have grandchildren id be heartbroken to think my granddaughter was missing out because of a bloody meal.

@Godesstobe ditto your thoughts. My grandmother of 84 stays up past midnight. 10pm is the best time to catch her for a chat! My other grandparents stayed up past 2am as they had trouble sleeping, I think a lot do.