My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

[Cofffffeeeplease]

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

The OP says that it's a big deal to have all the family together because they live far away from each other and don't manage to get together often. Having separate meals would defeat the point of that.

An 11 year old is old enough to understand that sometimes when the date of something is announced you can't make it because you've already committed to something else.

As someone whose grandparents have all passed away and will never have everyone in the same place ever again, I think these family events are important.

My own grandmother's 70th birthday was the last big one she had before she started to suffer from dementia. I'm glad I didn't miss it for a casual school event.

@Janiie

Great she has practiced, her skills will be used in the next gymnastics event.

You do realise that due to the lack of notice of the gymnastics events there will be quite a lot of DC that won't be able to make it for far flakier things than a family 70th birthday party?

FFS this is a milestone birthday meal, which has been in the diaries for a long time. A deposit has been paid. Family members are attending far and wide to attend which doesn't happen often.

Maybe I can empathise more as my family are geographically hundreds of miles apart so a get together does take loads of planning and once a date is agreed, it is locked in - virtually nothing changes it. Certainly not a shitely organised, casual gymnastics event

It is interesting how opinions differ on this.

My dd would be told that her grandmothers birthday comes first. I would hope she understood that by herself too.

It is a school gymnastics group not the Olympic team, and whilst I would appreciate my dd's disappointment her grandmother would be prioritised.

I wonder if your DH would be the same if it was his mother's long planned 70th birthday celebrations.

Well those are the options available to her-miss the gymnastics and attend the meal, attend the gymnastics and rearrange the meal, or the dad takes the little girl and attends the meal later on.

I also remember my grans 70th meal we organized in a Chinese restaurant. It was lovely, however I wouldn't feel too bad if she held it against us for rearranging so my daughter didn't miss out on something. Shes a very gracious lady and wouldn't have hesitated in putting my daughter first.

Not sure how much of a celebration its going to be if its all going to be over by 9pm.

If the husband and the mother do not get along he'll just be there for appearance sake, so the only one she'll be missing out on is the granddaughter and the granddaughter would rather be at the gymnastics I presume, so what is the point in that?

We are just going to have to disagree.

I really don't understand this mentality though. The gymnastics shows are regular and casual. The grandmother's birthday is not.

This wouldn't even be a dilemma in my family.

@Pipsquiggle thats speculation, there's no way of knowing how many children will be able to do it or not

Absolutely.

The only time I've missed a celebration meal like this for a grandparent was when I was giving birth!

And that is why we have so many feral, awful kids and selfish, entitled parents.

I've seen too many people of all ages die in my career. Getting older is a privilege and having people in your life who are,older is also a privilege. We should celebrate all birthdays whether the big ones or not. Not because it could be the last one someone has, but as a celebration of their life and connection to us and what they bring to the world.

That shouldn't stop when adulthood is reached, in fact is becomes more important the older someone gets to spend time. With that person.

OP is right. Her mother takes priority.

Surprised how many are saying DD should do the show.
It makes no sense they've given you such late notice of the date and I'd definitely be complaining to the club about that. But I'd phrase it as just that to DD. However I would also have been setting her up for this possibility for awhile. 'Hopefully it's not the same weekend as grandma's birthday'

I did a lot of shows when I was younger, at the time they feel like everything but they really aren't. Family comes first especially as it's a 70th and your mum hasn't been well.

This is the clubs fault not yours. Sorry DD, I don't feel missing the birthday celebration is acceptable and coking up at 9pm is a shoddy compromise

@Concannon88

You are absolutely right, it is speculation, however, I would bet my pension that if the gymnastics event had given 3 or 4 months notice, attendance would be higher.

My DC play rugby, I know at least 3 months in advance of when festivals are.

The gymnastics event sounds like a 3rd tier shite event if it only gives 2 weeks notice. It's not important to the people who organise it, because if it did, they would give all the teams more advance notice to make sure it is blocked out in people's diaries. They don't care about the DC participants. Sounds like one of those events that as a parent you are clock watching and thinking that's 2 hours of my life I will never get back (admit it, we've all been there).

Kids come first. Always.

No. Sometimes they just bloody don't.

Could they come to you instead? Then you could all go watch DD’s show then go out for a meal afterwards?

FFS. A meal has been booked. A deposit paid which is non-refundable.

Its a school group, and a show with other schools.

Why the late is so last minute is anyone's guess but its still something that has been prepared for.

I bet if Op had been paying £5 at time for lessons she wouldn't be so keen for her DD to throw the opportunity away.

I think you should let your daughter do the show and suggest that your daughter (with your/your husband’s) help prepares a special breakfast for grandmother the next morning. That extends the celebration and is a nice treat from granddaughter

If it involves multiple schools then the date will have been decided well in advance.

And no, I wouldn't be worrying about £5 gymnastics lessons in the context of a big birthday for a grandmother where a deposit for 10 people to eat at a nice restaurant has been paid.

Let her do the show

I think you’re worrying too much. If your mother is anything like mine she’d be upset at the thought of your daughter missing something she’s practiced so hard for.

I suspect she won’t be ‘gutted’ and will just be happy to see her afterwards

It’s hardly a ‘massive goal’ she’s not training for the Olympic, it’s a primary school show! 😂

You have prior commitments and you need to teach your daughter that this takes precedence (a) because its prior and (b) because its an important family occasion

My kid would be at the birthday.

@Cofffffeeeplease what did you eventually decide?

@Cofffffeeeplease just thinking.. what did the family do for dds BIG birthday last year at 10? Am assuming all the family dropped everything to attend the gathering?

As an 80 yr old grandmother I would rather my granddaughter did her show...and I would have my birthday dinner the following weekend or the one before

All of these saying 'family first always '. Maybe wander over to the stately homes thread to see how well that ethos ends.

'Always' at what cost?