My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

[Cofffffeeeplease]

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

A new low even for MN… birthdays don’t exist past birth! 😂😂😂😂

when does this start, stop or change though? Its possible that ANYBODY might die at any time. Does this mean that no one wshould miss any relative's birthday? why is 70 more important than 69 or 71?

Ageee, calling it 'your priorities" makes it sound like the decision rests solely with you, not dd who's competition it is, or do who is suggesting plans.

But everyone won't be able to make every milestone event in your family as the kids get older and priorities change. This is just the beginning..go with DHs plan and then your dd can arrive with lovely bunch of flowers and it will be like another treat. Everyone is happy.

Honouring your parent is good. But not at the expense of your child. Can you not honour your parents without your child and husband being there, without sacrificing your child's happiness?
I know I would be incredibly pissed off, as a child or adult, if i have been practicing for something and am then I'm forced to go to another event so that someone else is honoured and another feels that the have fulfilled their duty. All done as if my duties, feelings and what I want to honour are not important.
So honour your parents, just make sure to leave room for your child to want to honour you, without being forced to, later on in life.

It's a medical fact, not a new low. You can only obviously have one birthday.

I can't believe the answers on this post.

The 70th birthday should usurp the gymnastics for the following reasons:
*The gymnastics event sounds very low key/ not a big deal, it's not even a competition. If this was a county championship or a national championship, then that would be a different matter but it isn't
*The gymnastics event only gave 2 weeks notice, thus proving how inconsequential it is
*Your mum's 70th has been in the diary for a long time.
*70th birthdays are a big deal and should be celebrated. Loads of people die in their 70s in the UK.
*Your family sounds like it is geographically very difficult to get everyone together as you are so far apart so when you do all get together it is a big deal.
*Your DH just sounds like he wants to get out of this family reunion and using your DD as an excuse which is bad form.

I hope you all get together to celebrate your mum.

Because that's how as a society is been decided: 18, 21, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100 are all considered special birthdays. Just like every tenth year married is considered more special than the others.

The real point here is that a big event to celebrate has been planned and was planned long before the date of the gymnastics event was made available. As I said, I would have flagged this with the gymnastics organisers to check when the event might be and see if it clash could be avoided bit as that didn't happen the event is not as important as the birthday, especially as the birthday event came first and has been in the diary for months and is considered special to all of those taking part and particularly the person who is being celebrated.

I'm assuming lots of people think there should be a toast along the lines of "so happy we can gather together to celebrate mum's 70th, we must all treasure this moment as mnetters have strongly pointed out you're likely to not have another birthday "?

Her efforts aren’t being disrespected. She’s done brilliantly, but she’ll have to miss the show this year because it’s clashing with Granny’s big birthday and she’s not been well. Far more notice was given for the birthday. Maybe Granny’s last big birthday get-together, the next one will be her 80th. It’s not the Olympics, or a regional championship or even in local comp, it’s a primary school show. I did loads of them as a kid, I have tons of photos of me doing gym shows in primary school, but they all blur in to one. But I can remember all the parties we had for all my grandparents big birthdays, none of them are here now. Every family is different, me and my children are super close to my Mum, we live 10 mins away, not 4 hours. It just wouldn’t be an option to miss her meal, we go to every school event, we’re really involved in the school community but sometimes somethings got to give.

bingo!

@Yeahno

I actually think that it's crucial to teach DC that the whole world does not revolve around them and that there are other events in life that are more important than them.

Personally, for all the reasons I stated above, the 70th birthday celebration usurps a poorly organised, poorly communicated, casual gymnastics event.

I actually think that it's crucial to teach DC that the whole world does not revolve around them and that there are other events in life that are more important than them'

I actually think that it's crucial to teach DC flexibility and that it doesn't always have to be choice between letting your team down or letting family down when there are options that keep everyone happy.

Gymnastics every time, I'm sure the grandmother would agree - literally just a meal and you can easily arrange something more special and memorable for your daughter to offer the gran the day after

Just have an honest chat with the grandmother so you don't feel the burden of the decision

Actually average death age in the UK is 81 according to Google.

I am suspecting most 70th birthdays for the average person will be the last one in very 'good health' Vs your 80th.

I do think, as a country, we should be more open about death but maybe not in the toast 😂

So teach them the world revolves around others, and what op and extended family want?

Yep, for all the reasons I stated above.

In this case, the 70th birthday party is more important than a cack-handedly organised/ communicated, casual gymnastics event

Well I think the husband is being a bit disingenuous here. I wonder if he’d be holding his view so strongly if it was his mum’s birthday, or somebody he got on better with?

Bingo again! No, a well brought up child with good self esteem will perfectly be perfectly fine and able to cope with not being the primary focus the odd time or two.

I honestly don’t understand this obsession with “the world revolving round others” instead of recognising the give and take of normal society. I can only surmise that some people have very low self esteem and cannot cope with the thought of not being the central concern in the plans and therefore need to assert that their wants must come first!

You could literally apply this to the grandmother

Other people are very important but why is Granny so much more important than the team mates and the teachers who gave up their time to coach the kids?

Compromise!! It doesn't have to be 100% to Granny 0% to Team.

I did suggest earlier that Op could ask the organisers if her school could be first so she can do her bit and get on the road.

We had similar with MIL 80th. She would have been devastated if DS hadn't been there and it was arranged before his karate competition. DS was 10 at the time and completely understood that this competition was one that he would miss.

What are you on about? It’s her 70th birthday, clearly a one off event. The OP says these gymnastics shows happen all the time.

But why don't the organisers give more notice of when the shows are to minimise the likelihood of children who have practised for them having prior commitments at the same time?

Honestly, she'd have been devastated so he missed his competition?!

My parents would never be so selfish as to demand the dgc all stand to attention and attend a do.

Flexibility is an an important life skill! Teach it to your dc or they'll be demanding the same in decades to some. One can attend competitions and wish a grandparent happy birthday surely.

I can't even remember who was at my parents big birthdays and I very much doubt they can.