My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

[Cofffffeeeplease]

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

I don’t see why you cannot do both? Starters at 8:30pm - something like soup should do it. Mains at 9pm. Just tell DH to grab and run at the end and don’t hang around getting changed etc. Tell gymnastics people you might have to leave 5mins early. Just get her to sit with you at the end rather than her friends - so you can slip
out a few mins early. Then you can have mains as soon as everyone’s back.

Oh get a grip. It's a primary school show organised on 2 weeks notice! It's actually disgusting to compare being asked to go to Gran's pre-booked birthday with those who have had years of abuse from family members.

I think the birthday is the bigger deal. Important for kiddo to learn family comes first. And also you were committed to the birthday, gymnastics shouldn’t just be springing days on you. Usually you know the whole year in advance.

if this isn’t ‘she’s making the Olympics’ or not, then it’s just a meet. She’s 11. Shouldn’t h as be even been a conversation. Oh that’s the date, we’re busy, will miss one.

Obviously prioritise your child.

I'm surprised how belittling people are of the gymnastics show "a shitty local gym display, a nothing gym show, its not the Olympics etc"
Also it may well be the last time she has the opportunity- ime secondary school doesn't generally offer inclusive events were anyone can join in and invite parents. You either make the team or you don't and limited opportunities for parents to watch.

My DD (17) has just done a dance show with her dance school. The kids have been practising since November with twice weekly rehearsals since Christmas. Admittedly they gave the date with several months notice but there has been a lot of emphasis on commitment and the 2 dances DD was in were choreographed for x people. Should I have poo-pooed her and shrugged "meh, it's not the West End, it's only a shitty local dance show"

None of this takes away from the fact that obvious grandma only has one day for her 70th birthday but they are planning to be there albeit late and could potentially arrange an additional celebration

Why? She’s got her entire life to be “prioritised”. No wonder society is so selfish when it’s ingrained from birth.

I absolutely think DD should do the gymnastics show and arrive later with her DF, but if someone tried to change a prearranged booking so I was eating my main course at 9pm, I'd stab their eye out with my fork ( possibly eat it to depending on how ravenous I was).

Really great that your DC got to perform and show her hard.work - twice a week, sounds like a full on dance school.

Fantastic that there was clear communication as to when the show was, months in advance, so you could plan your diaries.

The above didn't happen for OP. I am really surprised that people aren't pointing out that the gymnastics event people are entirely at fault for giving just 2 weeks notice - that's absolute incompetence! They obviously don't care about the DC. I say it's a 'shit, local gymnastics event' as that is how it has been managed.

Why should people cancel or change long-standing, paid -for plans when the gymnastics organisers show such little regard for the participants and their families?

The date was confirmed 2 weeks in advance but the school, kids and Op knew it was coming up. And have been training for it for months.

Why should people cancel or change long-standing, paid -for plans when the gymnastics organisers show such little regard for the participants and their families?

There is no question of the birthday plans being cancelled.

Just one grandchild and a son in law arriving late.

I’m with your DH on this one, and would let your DD do the show and join later on. Is the meal out at a restaurant/pub or is it at your parents house? Could you flex things so that you do the nice meal, cake etc Sunday lunchtime when your DD and DH have arrived?
My parents and siblings are relatively closer to each other than yours, and we get together fairly regularly. 2 brothers and SIL work Saturdays, so this is our normal approach - those that can be there Saturday night get there and enjoy pizzas or a takeaway, something more casual, and a few drinks together. That includes brother and SIL who might arrive for 8-9ish after work, then we do the proper celebrations on Sunday when everyone including the other brother is there. Always works really well.

To the people who say 'do both, DH and DD can arrive much later'

I feel like I may live in an alternative universe where, when there is a family birthday meal organised at a posh restaurant, people know that the main celebration is the meal itself and that's the part that people definitely know that they should be present at. It's not the kind of event that people can just schlep up to hours after the event.

i dont think she had been training for months!
i think it was a couple of weeks training
and the issue is it is the LAST school event , so how on earth is she going to be persuaded to leave early, even on time.
i agree that the DH has his own agenda

@Pantherbinks

FFS RTFT.
Your scenario is not remotely relevant to OP. The first one being she lives 4 hours away from her DM and other relatives live 6 hours away from DM so they hardly ever meet altogether.
The second is that a posh restaurant has been booked, deposit paid and they can't move it.

Why has rhe DH got an agenda? He's making more work for himself

Original plan.. shared travel. Nice meal.
His plan... ferrying child around, then a long drive, missing the nice meal, then doing same drive next day.

I'm 100% in the do both camp.
If dinner is booked for 7pm, it will be about over by 9pm. There are 10 people in the family I'm assuming that means 6 adults and 4 kids. The other kids will be starting to get restless anyway so 9pm is perfect timing to head back to the house for coffee and cake and party on. 🥳

Although I would explain the situation to the organisers and see if DDs school could be on stage early and try and get away once they've done their bit. So try there before 9pm, be there for main / dessert skipping starters

My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show....But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this

That definitely indicates that they have been practicing for more than a couple of weeks. Even if they didn't know the exact date.

My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set.

@Needanewname42
only a couple of weeks notice, doesnt sound that important

Far out. For a grandmother turning 70, it's a big deal and she'll want her family there, especially grandchildren. There will be plenty of shows but family always comes first. And a big family birthday is the thing of memories... the world doesn't revolve around an 11 year old. She'll get over it and your mum's joy will far outweigh your daughter's disappointment. Your mum deserves you all there. Good luck!

But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this

The other kids might not want her on the team for secondary if she let's them down at the last minute. She might not be even be good enough to make the secondary school team.

There will be more shows, there will not be another 70th. I can go and watch my secondary school kids do stuff, so that’s not entirely true. Some things are just more important and family is important.

Some of the people who are posting "family always comes first" seem to think there is only one way of being a close family.

My family - my parents and grandparents, my siblings and their partners, and my siblings' children (now all in their 30s) and their children, have always been very close even though we all live hours apart including in Scotland and overseas. We have always made a big thing about family events like key birthdays and anniversaries and we get together at Christmas whenever we can.

But we are close because we love and like each other and want to get together, not because our family is like a prison camp with strict rules. In my view an important part of a family is mutual respect and a spirit of give and take. I think that's why we have stayed close and why the next generation - my children and my nephews and nieces - feel such affection for their extended family and want to meet up for celebrations whenever they can.

My DH's family were big on rules and rigid expectations and he and his siblings now hardly ever see each other.

I can go and watch my secondary school kids do stuff, so that’s not entirely true.

I started with ime (in my experience) and the only time I've ever seen my kids perform in a gym display is year 6 at primary school. They've not been good enough to do it at secondary. DS has represented the school at a couple of other sports but parents were not invited to watch.

What is happening at 9pm? If it's drinks and dancing DH and DD will not miss everything. If it's just TV at home then she has missed everything. I would prioritise the party and explain to organisers why DD has to miss the show and say would be better to have more notice.

My kids are musical and have done lots of shows at secondary.