My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

[Cofffffeeeplease]

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

[Shoxfordian]

Say sorry to your daughter but you already have a commitment that weekend

[NCForQuestions]

Let your DH take your DD to this. It's way more important for her than a bday dinner which could easily be done another weekend.

Would you and the family consider moving it?

[idontlikealdi]

I think I'd let her do the show if she can still come up after.

[MindHowYouGoes]

I’d let your DH do what he’s suggested. Do a cake and happy birthday after your dd gets there.

your mum is old enough to accept that compromise with good grace

[TheChosenTwo]

It’s pretty shit that they only give you a couple of weeks notice; plenty of people will have plans.
I’d say to DD that she’d have to miss it but family get togethers for us include all their cousins and they’d really look forward to it.

[LadyDanburysHat]

I don't think 70th birthdays are a big deal. Yes, it's nice you are all getting together to celebrate, but I would let your DD do the show she has practiced for months for. DH has offered a good compromise.

[Myyearmytime]

Yeah your daughter show is more important than a birthday.
Do what DH suggested.

[TruJay]

I totally thought this was going to be about your dd wanting to perform at your mum’s birthday party 😂

If your dd has been practicing for this show for a while now, then she is already committed to performing? Surely you stick to your initially made plans? And if dh is happy to drive dd up after the show then that works out brilliantly for all. You are present for dm’s party and your dd still gets to see all the family after the show and the following day. It is a shame the two events clash but dd had already committed to her show. Surely if grandma’s 70th was all planned before the show then dd would be made to attend 70th over the show so I think it should work that way in reverse too

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

I agree with your husband. Your daughter does the show and he brings her to your parents' house as soon as feasible afterwards. 70 isn't that big a deal these days, after all. We weren't able to be with either of my parents for that birthday because of work and school.

[PuttingDownRoots]

Many grandmothers would be devastated their grandchildren missed a performance just for their birthday party.b

[BigFatLiar]

Let your husband take her to the show, it's a big thing for her. I suspect a meal with all the adults will be a bit boring fir her and if she gets there later she'll have Sunday with her granny.

[FussyPud]

Your daughter committed to the show before you planned the birthday event. Your husband has provided an excellent compromise.

Nobody is entitled to their entire family being present for a weekend just because they level up to a zero number, it’s just a nice to have.

[MrsSkylerWhite]

Husband can take daughter and then you all have additional meal together Sunday lunchtime.
Im 60 soon would always prioritise our kids’/grandchild’s activities. Wouldn’t bother us at all.

[downsizedilemma]

I would prioritise the birthday - yes it's disappointing for your daughter, but I do think a pre-existing family get together and milestone birthday takes priority.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

I’d let her do the show

[bananaboats]

I think your husbands suggestion is good compromise. Assuming your staying over could you plan something for the Sunday DD could be involved in?

[ilovelamp82]

I think your DH is right. Most grandparents would insist that she gets to do her show I would imagine. I certainly would.

[DontBuyANewMumCashmere]

I think your DH has made a great suggestion.
You don't miss the meal, your DD doesn't miss her show she's been working hard on.

[Janpoppy]

Will she be continuing gymnastics after this?

I personally would prioritise family.

Can she do a gymnastics show for her family?

[BrothersAndSisters]

Let her do the show, you said she’s been practicing every week after school for it. Your husband and daughter can see your mum afterwards.

[DottyLS]

Could you plan a nice breakfast/brunch for Sunday morning?
Your dd would be gutted to hear from all her friends what she missed at the gymnastics show. I would absolutely let her do the performance, especially as your dh is willing to bring her up after.
She's too old to be fobbed off with doing a performance at the birthday!

[KrisAkabusi]

Another vote for following your husband's suggestion. It makes sense.

[ChippyTea16]

Your DH can prioritise DD, you can go to your Mum's bday meal. I do think it's a shame your DH and DD won't be there though, I actually think you should all go to the meal on the basis of the distance you live away and seeing family and it being a special weekend for your mum especially as you say you are close.

Even more that the gymnastics show has only given you 2 weeks' notice - surely there will be others pulling out due to existing plans? But as a compromise, do what your DH has suggested then maybe go for a nice brunch on the Sunday all together.

[Saymyname28]

I think your DH needs to take DD to the show.
If you're staying overnight can you also do some stuff Sunday with your mum? Book somewhere for dinner at least

[Teacupsandrollups]

Would your Mum really be gutted that your dd will miss the meal?
She’ll get there for the rest of it, I wouldn’t have an issue with it if it was me (but it’s not, of course).