My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

[Cofffffeeeplease]

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

Absolutely no way my dd would be missing her gran's 70th. Understand her disappointment but mum's birthday is important.

If you were 70 ,op and it was your birthday
Would you want your granddaughter missing something she had been practicing for ,for months
I definitely wouldn't.
Let the young be young ,while they can ,they have all their life for stuffy birthday meals

I would def let my DD do the show and come up with DH after.

She is on a team and putting a lot of time and effort in to practicing.
I don't think it is fair to make her miss it.

I say this from a position of having had a DC who did a sport which meant a lot of family/social things missed.

If I was your Mum I would feel worse about her missing the gymnastics versus the dinner.
There will be time on both the evening and the sunday to all be together.

As your children grow older commitments and social events mean a lot of compromising and adjusting expectations.

I'm just wondering what your daughter and Mum think about the situation? There seems to be a lot of second-guessing happening here and a couple of honest conversations could save a lot of trouble. I'm sure between you there must be a compromise that can be reached without hurting anybody's feelings.

Dh is right. Also this show was technically penciled in first. You know she’s been practising and training for it for a long time. They have to organise a date that fits with many other teams. As you say this is her last primary one too that’s a big deal to her.

A birthday happens every year. 70 is no different to 69 or 71. Now if she was turning 100 I might feel slightly different but she’s still going to be there Saturday evening and Sunday till you leave.

Do the birthday. It sounds like there may not be another opportunity to get everyone together.

Every child has that experience of not being able to do something important to them. It sucks, but it's how you learn to deal with disappointment gracefully.

Absolutely. 2 people not being there but still there later and for the rest of the weekend really isn't failing to honour them.

I'm genuinely really surprised at these answers. I'd personally give a family 70th birthday celebration far greater priority.

Your DH has come up with a perfectly reasonable solution, it's not as your Mum is going to be left without anyone to celebrate with her. It would perhaps be a bigger conversation if you DD attending her show also preventing you from attending but that is not the case in this situation.

Your daughter has made a commitment to her gymnastics group, and her peers. It's not just your daughter that will be disappointed but she will be letting her peers down too.

My Mum would want my daughter to do her show rather than a birthday meal and too be honest I'd be pretty angry if my daughter skipped out of her commitments for my birthday.

DH suggestion is a good one. Daughter has been working hard and practising and so I’m sure grandma will understand. Would she even want DD there if DD has had to miss her show for it? I know my mum and mil would insist that their grandkids did their show if they knew they’d worked hard and it was important to them. Your mum will still have you there and the rest of the family and then will see DD later on so still her on her bday.

I was the one suggesting nudging it to Sunday as in the OP it says they are going for the weekend (eg Saturday and Sunday) And I was under the impression it was at the GPs house rather than a restaurant.

The gym show - which can't be moved - is on the Saturday, if they all wanted to celebrate together then I thought that potentially they could switch days (I didn't realise a restaurant had been booked)

My family like celebrating birthdays but we are pretty casual about the day. I had a party for my 40th about 2 weeks before the day because it fitted better with other family, DH 50th party was at least a month after the event! Obviously parties with booked venues are not changeable but I don't think (for adults) it's a massive deal if - with mutual agreement - you celebrate on a day that's not your actual birthday!

Can the meal not be the day before/day after?
The show clearly means a lot to your daughter, I wouldn't make her miss it.

The thing is I know she’d also say to do the show but would actually be disappointed at the missed opportunity for everyone to have a meal together. And I think my brother would feel bewildered at my priorities.

Have you asked your daughter?

Maybe she'd love to see her cousins?

Perhaps this is an opportunity to organise more get togethers & not just for birthdays(if that is when they usually happen)?

some of the replies here are weird. As far as i can see OPs mum hasn't said anything.

But surely we all know when mum's birthday is and to coordinate a family meal on that day with both offspring and their DCs must be set up well in advance.

The school are at fault for always giving very short notice, and that's something i would have brought up with them before.

The simple solution is ask DD what she wants to do. Gymnastics? fine she stays home with DH and does that. Granny's birthday meal? sure, and tell the school asap but it's their own fault for being silly about dates/times.

It is not a huge issue. But of course all the "oh adult birthdays are meaningless" brigade are out in force because this is MN.

Edited for typos

I missed all sorts of family events growing up, because i was competing my ponies, don't recall it ever causing issues.

I think DH has suggested a good compromise

My mum just wanted a KFC for her 70th 😂I'll still be working at 70 so not seeing it as a big birthday anyway.

This!

Let your DH take your DD to this. Yes, this is a reasonable compromise.

a bday dinner which could easily be done another weekend. Rearranging an entire family groups plans isn’t easy, particularly with the short notice the gymnastics fixture has afforded OP. Presumably there’s a valid reason why the family agreed on this particular date.

Would you and the family consider moving it? Absolutely batshit.

With your DH’s plan, he and DD will come up late Saturday and I presume stay overnight and be around Sunday morning and maybe lunch before driving back down.

So your mum will still get to see them both - just not for the meal itself. They are not missing the trip altogether.

I think that’s fine actually. Your mum will have 8 people there for her birthday meal and can then look forward to seeing her DGD and son in law the next day.

If it was either my mum or my MIL they’d be fine with this.

Sometimes I think I live in a parallel universe. Maybe my views are clouded by the fact that my darling DM died after a very sort hospital spell aged 76, but I would alway, always prioritize a family celebration over a school show, particularly where the extended family do not get to spend too much time together.

Maybe it’s cultural, I live in Ireland, and no one I know would skip a family celebration meal with a grandma for a special birthday, to attend a school gymnastics show.

I feel extremely conflicted as I’d also love my daughter to do her show but feel family comes first (birthday meal organised for months - show is the late addition).

The date is a late addition but the fact of it isn't. It's not at all ideal that they give you such little notice but that's a risk you took when you allowed her to be part of it.

She's been practising for a long time, I don't think you can pull it out from under her now however much you dress sit up as it being lovely to see grandma and her cousins.

The 70th is only a big deal because society tells us it is. I remember my dad, when we had a celebration for their 50th wedding anniversary, asking - not in a snide way but for him a genuine question - why being married for 50 years was seen as such a big thing, but next year when you'd achieved 51 years it was just another day.

I do think the responses here would be more one sided if this was a woman posting that she wanted her daughter to be in the show but her male partner was insisting that his mother's birthday should be the priority.

Let DD do the show and come up afterwards. Your mother will get over it. And think how excited DD will be to be able to tell everyone about it when she gets there.

There is no way I would make my DD miss something so important to her when your DH has made a suitable adjustment. Very unfair.

Does she have close friends in the group? She could stay and have a sleepover with them after the show and the rest of you go.
Otherwise your DH staying with her seems sensible to me.

i think expectations should have been managed as soon as the birthday date was set. “DD, you understand if your gymnastics happens to fall that day, you won’t be able to go to the show, right?” Then she’d have known the plan to begin with.

I’m going against the tide here to say she has lots of shows but there’s only one 70th birthday party for her grandmother. (Even if she has another grandmother, only one for this person.)

The birthday event was already committed to, the show was the clash. What I don’t get @Cofffffeeeplease is why you and your husband didn’t think about this and agree ahead of time.

I do!

But I'd be ok with her coming after the show

I am not a fan of making a huge fuss around adults' birthdays. Not a grandmother yet but as a mother I would never want my children to miss an important event just so they could sit and have a birthday meal with me.