My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

[Cofffffeeeplease]

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

Could the celebration dinner be moved to lunch on the Sunday, @Cofffffeeeplease? Sorry if this has already been suggested, but I have just read your OP and update.

That way your dh can take your dd to her gymnastics display, bring her up later, and everyone can celebrate together on Sunday. You could perhaps suggest that, when your dd arrives on the Saturday night, you all have birthday cake and bubbly then, so your mum's birthday is celebrated on the day.

It's unlikely you'll get much longer with her

She's 70, not 90! The ONS life expectancy calculator says a woman turning 70 this year is likely to live to 88. https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/healthandlifeexpectancies/articles/lifeexpectancycalculator/2019-06-07

So one more big birthday if they're lucky.

I’m really surprised at the responses on this thread as to me it’s a total no-brainer. A family big birthday will always trump a non-compulsory school/club event.

A birthday party with booked venue, caterers, invites etc is different from a birthday at home, though
No one is saying the 70th birthday can't happen on the day but agree with pp if it is important that everyone is there could it be nudged to Sunday or another mutually agreeable date

Families can get together at other times than on the exact date of birthdays with a 0 at the end. My Mum's birthday happens to fall on a date which will always be term-time unless it's a weekend day. It was never possible for us to be there on the day until after my children had left school and I had some flexibility over my working hours. We all coped.

My Mums 70th is next month. She'd much rather her granddaughter did her gymnastics show rather than a sit down meal.

And we do have a huge family meal booked with siblings travelling etc.

My Mum would still rather she did her gymnastics and come along later. Maybe we're just easy going.

Move the birthday dinner to the following week like any reasonable adult would do

Your daughter has committed to a team. We teach our DCs that it’s very important not to let their teams down. Your DH’s compromise seems sensible.

I'd follow your husband's suggestion. It's your daughter's last performance with her group and she has been practicing hard. She and your DH can catch up with the celebrations when they arrive.

This ^

There’ll be loads more gymnastics shows etc, until she gives up on it of course 😉 But grandparents are precious, and you’re only 70 once. Sorry, but she does family stuff on this occasion. She also needs to learn that you don’t always get everything you want. Seems to me like dad is using it as an excuse to get of going himself!

This.

I really don't see the problem.

Then again we are just a relaxed family - see above re my Mum's 70th, Mum wouldn't bat an eyelid about gd missing dinner, in fact she'd probably rather see gd at gymnastics.
We would though continue with dinner and she'd catch up with lots of cuddles and pudding later.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g I'm sorry but a grandchild kissing their grandparents birthday is pretty grim, even more so when it's for a non compulsory show

Does not always getting everything you want apply to Grandma too?

Are you a grandparent?

I am.

I'd want my granddaughter to do what is best for her.

Agree

I hate it when people say shit like this
The people who brought you up don't suddenly get relegated to random strangers the moment you have a kid of your own
What about childless people, do they not have families by that reckoning?
Fine to say you need to prioritise children in many situations but you don't have to disown everyone else to do so. Most people don't have a finite amount of love so that when they have a kid there's suddenly nothing left for their parents or siblings, and it's weird to suggest that's the case.

OP Cant you just move the "big celebration meal" to the Sunday lunch instead?

If not then tbh I do think "first plan takes precendence" should apply in most situations - its interesting because usually MN insists on that being the only polite way of choosing between engagements, so the majority of posts here are going against the grain.
I'm intrigued as to what would have happened if it was a friends birthday dd had agreed to go to and now wanted to drop for the show - most people on mn would presumably be annoyed at that if it was their kids birthday that they'd changed their minds about attending. Or if it was a family holiday abroad booked - presumably nobody would be suggesting that should be cancelled for a random show? I can see why dd would want to do it but if the organisation is that bad I imagine there will be several kids who can't make it.

Your dd needs to do her activity.

Since you knew it was pending in this date range, it was unreasonable to set plans until you got the show date. She had a prior commitment.

I think this is one of those things your daughter will hold a grudge against you for a long time if you force her not to do the show. Have a second special meal on the sunday.

yay! 2 special meals! - sell it like that to your mother

Good grief. Thank goodness we can give way in our family to do what is best.

I love my children, I love my grandchild. I'd want my grandchild to do her gymnastics.

There's always 70+1! Where if it were my nan we'd have sandwich spread sandwiches and a good old chuckle 😍

Do the show 100%

Family is loving times together, not a forced meal. If they're coming later, it's not a problem.

As a grandmother I would much rather my granddaughter went to her gymnastics show. It sounds like you are more upset by it than your mum would be. It isn't about you though.

I have just been through a very similar dilemma with 13yo DD and my Dad's 80th. I mulled it over for a bit and went with asking Mum & Dad if there was a reason it had to be at that time on that day, because it clashes with one of DD's competitions, and although on its own it isn't a big competition, she would collect points that qualify her for other competitions including our big national championship in the summer (a 5 day away thing that my parents come and spectate at because it's fun and exciting) and so although it might seem like a small thing to miss, it actually could have longer term ramifications and is important to DD.

As a result of this conversation, they've just moved it to a later start, with no real drama, and I have arranged for a coach to bring DD and her pony back from the competition (I will leave after the crucial part) and so we all get to be there for most of Dad's celebration.

So my suggestion would be have a conversation about it and see how your Mum feels about DD and DH coming later, or if it is even an option to do the party on the Sunday. People sometimes just pick times/dates that are arbitrary and they can sometimes easily be adjust slightly to make it easier for everyone.