My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

[Cofffffeeeplease]

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

I'd do the birthday party. The show can't be that important if it only takes two week's notice.

I have grandchildren and would would want my grand daughter to go to her gymnastics display that she has been working towards rather than come to my birthday meal. She will still be able to see her later that weekend
Are you sure that your mother would prefer for her to miss the display.?

Yes but commitment and responsibility works both ways in that the "team" needs to organise things in advance and not expect children to be constantly available for a non-important event with limited advance notice.

If work said to an employee at hiring "normal work is monday to friday but everyone needs to work overtime on Saturday 12 June when we have our annual open day (or whatever)" most people would be fine with it and agree that dropping out would be "letting the team down"

If work said "you will need to work overtime one weekend this year but we won't tell you when until last minute and you HAVE to attend regardless of anything else you might have booked, lack of childcare etc." Then most people would think that's unfair and struggle to do it!

If the event had been arranged beforehand then DD dropping out would be letting the team down but that wasn't the case. Like others have said I can't believe that all the other kids on the gymnastic team don't have other commitments (music exam, weekend away, wedding, friends birthday parties, sports matches, hospital appointments, whatever!) that weekend they can drop everything for last minute.

we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set.

This would be the most annoying thing. For something that is so important for your DD (and I presume the school if she is part of a group), I would want more than a couple of weeks notice. Are they expecting all the families to keep all the weekends free? I would not have signed my child up to something with such a vague show date.

My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards.

I think that's fine. By 70, she should be able to cope celebrating across the whole weekend not just that specific night.

I think your DD should miss the show on this occasion. Others will also have plans. What is you were on holiday? Would you miss that?

Also ask your DH if it was his parents big birthday instead, what would he have done then?

I don't really understand the concept of birthdays with a zero at the end of them being more important than others, and 70 isn't exactly old nowadays. Could you not speak to the parent of one of your daughter's friends who is also taking part in the show and ask if your she could go with them and stay overnight?

Thanks again everyone- the birthday meal can’t be moved - it’s for 10 of us at a nice restaurant and we’ve paid a chunky deposit. Finding time to get us all together is so difficult as everyone has busy lives - especially the kids who do heaps of clubs. I hear all the grandparents saying they would want what’s best for the kids - and my parents too - they are amazing in that regard. Totally selfless … which is exactly why I would feel so awful asking them to compromise - I want to make a fuss of them and honour their milestone birthday.

Let DD do the show and go up later - she’s still going to celebrate the birthday (I really don’t get ‘big’ birthdays past 18 tbh - nothing changes between being 69 and 70).

If it's not on your Mum's actual bday would she be willing to move it for the sake f having your husband & daughter there?

Regardless it seems fine for daughter & husband to go up later imo.

ETA-sorry jus seen your post saying that it can't be moved.

I want to make a fuss of them and honour their milestone birthday.

You still will do. 8 people instead of 10 is still plenty for a nice meal out. It's never possible to have a decent chat with everyone at those dinners anyway and she'll be there later and the day after. I think it's over-egging the importance of the meal (and of 'milestone birthdays') to insist on all being there. Life goes on for everyone around us and there's an easy solution here. It's not like she's not going to be there at all.

You said it was at your parents house in OP

You could argue that Birthdays aren't important either - just a marking of time, which is something to do with physics and stuff sorry Hawking

We do all sorts of things which don't really make sense.

I would tell my DC that they would have to miss their activity in that scenario. Plenty of other opportunities to do gymnastics shows

I think the w/e is at the parents' house and they're going out for a meal.

Some of the replies here are really sad. The grandparents birthday would come first. Family is really important to me but I suppose we are all different due to circumstances. I've only read first couple of pages but someone has actually suggested that a family meal, celebrating someone's 70th birthday, could be 'nudged' to the Sunday. For a child's gymnastics show that is 'just a bit of fun'.
Imagine suggesting that to your family! Who are all travelling a long way to celebrate this birthday.

Anyway, that's my opinion. Grandparents are a blessing, family is a blessing and I try not to miss an opportunity to show that.

I wouldn't because - it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

OP's mum will have her son and daughter there, that's the main thing. Her son's family will also be there and the OP's DH and DD will join them later. She's having a nice birthday weekend. It's not either or unless OP makes it so.

I gave DS17 no option but to attend his DGPs birthday meal for his 90th. However we did move the time back slightly so he could still go to his rugby match ( in school first XV).

Sometimes these clashes are unavoidable, however here its a 70th not a 90th and your DD and DH will be there - just not for the whole event. Your DB may disapprove- does he have DCs? - but you make the choices that best work for your family.

I feel sad for your DD. From your updates you say that your mum would be fine with it but despite that I am getting the tone that you will have your DD miss her performance.

Your DH suggestion is very sensible. She gets to do both that way.

I am not a GM but I would just be happy to see my GC at any point over the weekend - blimey she will probably get even more of a fuss made of her [DD] if she turns up later.

I'm sure your mother would understand! Any 70 year old should know how important these things are for youngsters and to be frank she's had 70 birthdays and will have a bunch more. You'll be there, and her grandma gayer will be there after dinner (and not long after after dinner surely)?

I’m really surprised so many think the DD’s gymnastics show should be prioritised over a 70th birthday. To give a different perspective, I did gymnastics and dancing at primary school and performed in a few school shows. Apparently I loved it but rapidly lost interest in secondary school with new friendships and boys to contend with. In my 30’s I can’t really remember much of the primary school shows but I can remember my grandparents joint 70th birthday party when I was 11 as it was a big deal. I was allowed a small glass of champagne and we got to stay up late, dance and hang out with our cousins that we didn’t see all the time. There are professional photos of the party that are treasured (certainly since my grandparents have now passed) and I think I’d be more upset as an adult to know I’d missed an important event like that for a primary school show.

She'll still be there later and it's a meal in a restaurant, not a big party with dancing etc.

I missed a (admittedly more once in a lifetime type) trip once for a hobby that at the time was seen as "just a bit of fun" that I now do professionally and it still stings 35 years later 😅

She didn’t. Read the OP again.

DHs solution is a good one. But he can cut the crap about priortising the daughter. He can do that on this day and you can put your mum first. She's 70 - there may not be many more big birthdays.

TBH I'd probably tell him to not bother coming up at all.