I’m going to hell.

[Meowthh]

So DH and I have been together since we were 18 (34 now) married for 6 years.

he has become overweight, has sleep apnoea so I bought him a mouth guard and I can’t even look at it in the morning without wanting to puke as it is full of blood from his gums (gingivitis)

I feel awful as he also wants to be intimate, kissing etc but I just don’t want it anymore, I’m not attracted to him at all. I feel so so bad about this and don’t know what to do.

There are solutions to this, OP. Your DH has to be willing to give them a go, though. If he's overweight, he needs to get help with that along with your support to make it more likely he'll succeed. Dental gingivitis can be fixed with treatment. I would not give up on him because of those things, but totally understand being grossed out by it. You two need to have a proper conversation about it.

I missed this post.
This is SO gross, I would not be friends with someone who does it not mentioning relationship.

RUN

I would ignore the advice of those who tell you to leave straight out the bat with such limited context/information regarding your relationship. It's incredibly simplistic and quite frankly dangerous advice that frequents this site too often.

The first step is to talk openly and honestly to your partner. You have children, a family, were attracted to him at some point presumably. Be truthful about how you feel regarding intimacy. Offer to help him with weight loss and gaining the confidence to set a plan with a dentist to fix his gingivitis. All the problems you listed are treatable and there is no reason, if he is willing, that they cannot be resolved.

He needs to go to the dentist - gum disease is related to heart disease.
He also needs to see the GP as for sleep apnoia you can get a CPap machine. It isn’t sexy but does the trick.

You’ve missed the point haven’t you ?

He’s not sick. He’s just allowed himself to become disgusting … a sure sign that he’s taking OP for granted.

As for marriage vows, it’s a two way process and about respecting your marriage partner.

He's showing that he’s not respecting OP and she doesn’t have to put up with it.
She doesn’t have to be shackled to him for life!

Agree, though the 'willing' part is crucial.

Yup!

You've not read the whole thread have you?

@justasking111

Gum disease at 34 which he's not worried about. He's going to lose all his teeth. So you'll be married to a gummy chin less snoring blob that hoovers up leftovers.

Goodness - I want one of those... 🌹

I’m sorry, I’d puke. No wonder you don’t fancy him anymore. 🤮

There's no "should" about it. If you don't love him and feel attracted to him, you don't. If people could just decide to fall back in love with someone, people would split up far less often.

I would say it’s fairly common for couples to not feel the burning passion similar as to when they first got together. It also sounds to me that it’s all part of the the laziness and disrespect he is showing towards you. If you don’t want to be intimate with him, you should refuse. I don’t think anyone should ever feel obliged to be intimate if they don’t want to. And then if he wants to know why, I think you should tell him! Poor personal hygiene, not taking care of himself, not putting his plate away etc. I think I’d you want him to improve, I’d suggest doing a fitness programme together - an app/steps/couch to 5k : compete with him. Do you generally sort out the shopping? Ensure you are buying healthily.
@Meowthh

This thread is kind of killing me! My teeth are awful, really properly awful. I lost a tooth with each pregnancy as I have a weird calcium adsorption thingy. Then one of my teeth broke and at the time we were extremely poor so I just left it. It rotted as did another. I keep my mouth shut when I’m standing too close to people. I can chat away with dh though, and he never stares, never makes comments or acts like he’s disgusted by me.( I’ve had kids back away when they saw my teeth up close.)
I would absolutely be in a heap if he thought this (we are currently looking into a loan so I can start getting teeth fixed). Op you seem nice but it does seem like he disgusts you. Best of luck with whatever talk you have x

His behaviour shows a lack of respect in my opinion. I was in a similar relationship (no weight gain but fungal toenail infections left untreated, teeth uncared for, loud farting, toilet left in an awful state etc). Eventually I lost all respect and desire.

@stayathomer but your problem is not because you are neglecting yourself!

This is really sad and all the responses reek of double standards. My husband and I have both struggled and let ourselves go at times due to bereavement and other issues but we didn't stop loving or caring for each other, even when sex dwindled. He showed nothing but kindness when I had cervical cancer treatment and couldn't face sex without thinking about it/being put off for almost 2 years. I loved him even harder when he suffered depression due to grief, because he needed that from me, he needed nurture. We have both yoyo'd with weight. Did you ever really love him?

PoochiesPinkEars
in the end though is it the neglect or the look? Because a lot of the comments are I couldn’t look at my dh if he (insert thing here). (But thanks!)

I think you need to have a honest conversation about some of his habits and say your worried for the children because his diet isn't healthy and he needs to do something about it to make sure he's around. Doesn't he want to be able to run around with them etc.
But do it with him.

Little things like switching his tooth paste for corsidine one (it doesn't taste nice but works) seeing the hygienist at the dentist etc.

Both DH and I went through weight fluctuations especially when I developed long covid as I can't be active anymore. But we tackle it together and with understanding. But you need that conversation first.

I had terrible health issues 18 months ago, I was 2st overweight and couldn’t be bothered with makeup or clothes other than leggings. DH stood by me. But at no point did I become obese, fail to clean my teeth, lick my plate, take food out of my kids mouths, put their cutlery in my mouth before giving it to them to eat from, or poke my finger in my orifices then offer it to DH to sniff. This isn’t just about weight or health - OP’s DH is purposely choosing to do some really greedy and disgusting things which would be off putting for anyone.

That's quite a lot of habits she's listed, I doubt they just popped up over night. Food addiction can be just as harmful as any other addiction.

@stayathomer I hear you. Can't speak for others, but for me the difference would be sympathy, if you were doing all you reasonably could and circumstances or health reasons were tipping the balance into a change in condition, from sympathy I couldn't arrive at disgust.
But wallowing in your poor hygiene (bet your mouth guard would be spotless) is completely different.

Yes, he needs proper dental treatment, one size doesn’t fit all, he’s in danger of tooth loss if the gingivitis is left untreated.
His sleep problems, is he getting treatment for that?

o good grief - lower the OP’s bar why don‘t you ?!?
these may be appalling replies to you but at least they are not holier than thou

Every woman on this earth deserves better than someone who touches their belly button and asks her to smell it, doesnt clean his plate and has no pride in himself. Amongst the other disgusting things he does.

Well done @Meowthh you know your worth. Am glad your bar hasn't lowered with his vileness.

should the OP leave and husband decides he wants a new partner,
what do you think he would be doing? how do you see that scenario
playing out? personal hygiene? teeth? haircut? weight under control?
healthy diet? new clothes, manners, behaviour, dental/hygienist visits,
new bedding, new new new -